Uncertain Waters

After ten long months of staying away from all about relationship; The Guys. The Drama. The Lies. The heartaches. I really had fresh air for a while; then it got boring. Boring not because I was lonely. Boring because my friends, Ada, Boma and Sophia would not just stop talking about how they felt I needed someone in my life, and yes, sometimes I felt so too…

So Sophia, the most concerned of them all finally got me hooked.

Ahh… At the party, I remember how embarrassed I looked seeing the obvious desperation in Sophia’s actions to hook me up with Steve. How she smiled at every given opportunity and practically handed me over to Steve. Abandoning me with him in the name of taking a leak and never coming back.

Well, fast forward two years after and I am on this bed, in this house, Steve’s house…

It started real good. It wasn’t the usual love at first sight, but he was one guy I had no problem growing to like and then likeness turned to love. 

Steve is a very cool and witty person, always sure of what he wants every time, but, the only thing I was sure of in the whole relationship was the fact that he wanted me…

Then the call for Responsibility and maybe Transparency came when I informed him I was pregnant with his child,

I know being pregnant for a guy who hasn’t married you yet or even proposed is not the most pleasant news. But you see, Steve was financially stable and to the best of my knowledge, we loved each other really well so I just felt things would fall into place.

I remember coming home, Steve’s house, looking really moody, handing him the result of the test. 

‘’What is this?’’ he asked me.

‘’Just go through it… Honey’’- I replied.

Then still smiling, he bent down to read what was written on the paper in his hand. I watched him closely, really determined not to miss anything he would give off. I saw his facial expression slowly turn into a frown as he made meaning of the information the paper carried. He frowned so hard that for a second, I thought he would look up and smack the hell out of me. I was silent the whole time. 

After like 2 minutes he nervously lifted his eyes to me, as though he had jacked himself back to reality and then gave me a wide smile. I could read the fakeness in the smile. He pulled me to him and gave me a strong hug. He started to laugh, happiness filled his eyes. He kissed me hard and told me we were ready for it…… I remember how the words came ‘’ Haa bae, we are ready for this’’, but deep down in me, all I could see was that uncertain look on his face.

The next nine months were strange, Steve was helpful…really helpful…too helpful... He ran all the errands, did everything, I wasn’t sure if he was really happy about the pregnancy or still uncertain.

Then the baby came, a girl. She came into the world and brought tears to my eyes immediately. Looking at her and hearing her cry I knew that I had to name her Blessing. I had hoped she would bring blessings to our lives. Steve was in the room with me as she came into the world, he had tears in his eyes too. Was it of joy or still of uncertainty??? Whatever it was, might be the reason I have had tears in my eyes till this moment.

Steve has never laid hands on our baby since the day she was born. He looks at me with so much disgust. It feels like she came into our home and took every ounce of happiness from our home. My Steve has changed. He doesn’t know how Blessing feels or fares. How we eat. He comes home drunk night after night. 

The last time I mentioned to him that I made him his favourite meal for dinner - Beans and plaintain that I cooked using part of the N10,000 Boma and Sophia had sent to me for Blessing’s upkeep…God bless them- He went to the kitchen, I heard him laugh really loud, he walked into the room with the plate of food in his hand and he poured it on the floor right in front of me. He looked up at me, smiled and said ‘’Do not bother yourself again, I don’t want you stressing your nursing self with chores like that, keep all your energy for that thing in your hand’’ and he walked out.

Tears- which has now become my closest company- freely flowed down my cheek. I held Blessing really tight till she started to cry. 

Finally what happened last week is the reason why I am writing this, baring my heart and mind out for help and assistance:

I felt a hard smack on my back, I screamed myself out of the dreamland and turned to him and shouted ‘’what is it?’’.

‘’That thing beside you is crying, take her out of here this minute’’ he said, then paused for some seconds, looking direct to my eyes and continued, ‘’this should be the last time you sleep on my bed with it. The couch I heard is the most comfortable place for a nursing mother and her child to sleep on’’ then he went back to sleep.

Blessing cried even louder as though she knew what was going on. I slowly carried her to my shoulder and went to the living room, sat down on the couch and for the first time, I was tempted to drop her on the floor to shut her up, to shut her out, to watch her die so that we can get back our lives like it was before- just Steve and I-. Has that always been Steve’s silent prayer? I wondered. But then, how can I kill such an adorable angel. A girl who never asked to be brought into this world, into this setting.

All I ask myself now is if she is my mistake, Steve’s or the world’s…