To be uncertain is to be human

I was having a conversation with my friend Adrianna via text yesterday and she asked me how I was feeling. In summary, I told her, "I don't really know. I'm in a season of confusion, lots of questions, some joy and a little inspiration but overall, I really don't know."

I'm in such a new space in my life. It's like I moved on to an empty plot of land.

I'm in this season of my life where, for the first time, I don't have "goals". I'm not striving for anything external. I don't have a busy rigid schedule of things I want to accomplish each day. I don't have a morning routine. I don't know what my next gig will be. And to be honest, I don't even know what I truly want to do for "work" anymore. I don't have any documentary or video ideas and I don't have anything I want to post.

Also - I haven't drawn in a month.

I tried to share some of this truth online and was immediately met with diagnosis' and potential solutions but I'm not depressed nor do I need any solutions.

This space. This unknowing. This uncertainty is a part of life and while I used to be afraid of it, I'm not anymore.

In the beginning of this season of my life, I judged myself hard. Like, how could I not have any goals. How was I going to make a living? How was I going to spend my time?

And instead of thinking about it so much, I've decided to flow with it. I wake up, do the job I'm on, and feel the rest of my day out. I may read. I may watch a lot of YouTube. I may play The Sims. I'll make my food, I walk my dogs but I'm flowing. It's uncomfortable. I have a ton of sadness. I feel lonely so much of the time but there's nothing I can do to make myself know where I'm going or what I'm going to do next.

Nothing in my life prepared me for what it means to be human.

To feel. To be. To center myself.

Everything that I'd learned in life (before therapy) pointed me in the direction of achievement and centering others. Even the idea of rest and self-care has become a thing to accomplish.

While there is a lot that I don't know, what I do know is that I want to know myself. I want to trust myself. I want to honor my desires. I want joy. I want art. I want community.

And I want to be a human, an artist, that tells the truth.

In my journal the other day I wrote, "How honest can my art be?"

And while I don't even know what the art I'm referring to will be, I just know I want it to be honest.

Which is why I decided to write this. The overexplainer in me wants to tell you more and fill in some of the blanks so you don't think I'm depressed or I'm not "doing anything with my life".

But this is it for now.

Cheers to the unknown.

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