Unbroken

I have some exciting news this week. I just relaunched my Authentic Alex newsletter this week, where I'll be sharing more writing and experiences on the topics of creativity, leadership, purpose, storytelling, and presence. I wanted to invite anyone that may be interested to join me on this new journey. You can look at the first edition here, and it floats your boat, you can subscribe through the link.

Firstly I want to say, "I'm feeling fucking great!". As you know from last week's edition, the last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. After the sporadic mini-sessions with my friend Sharon that were already healing my anxiety, I decided I wanted more. She offered me a two-day virtual retreat just for me and I decided to take the leap. Since then, I honestly feel like a different person, which is very strange because when I do any personal development work, it usually takes a few days to land, shift, and then integrate, but the change was almost instant! I wanted to share one of the biggest turning points I've felt these past few days with you. It has to do with this idea of feeling like "I'm broken," a belief that I've carried pretty much my entire life (and fuck me, it's been heavy to carry.)

Always trying not to be me

Feeling broken goes all the way back to, you guessed it, my childhood. It started at home, being constantly told how to be and not be in the world. It then got reinforced in school, getting bullied and not fitting in. It showed up at work when people felt threatened by me. Every time I tried to be me, the world rejected me, ostracised me, put me down. I began to think, "maybe it's not them, maybe it's me?" My whole life felt like one series of events reminding me that something was fundamentally wrong with me, I was broken. When I was younger, I coped by shrinking myself and made myself scarce. When I was older, I began to change. I would mould and contort myself to what other people wanted me to be. Whilst it's made me a bit of a chameleon and highly adaptable, I was getting further and further away from myself, further away from feeling unbroken and whole. 

Always trying to find evidence

I've always felt broken because what started as an idea planted in my mind as a child turned into a feeling. That feeling then turned into a thought and that thought then turned into a belief over time. My brain then sought out evidence and facts to confirm the belief that I was a true 'a broken human'. This is called confirmation bias. This isn't new information. I am intellectually aware of all this, but honestly, I didn't want to see it. I had heard about the idea of being whole, of not being broken, but even though I was told I just couldn't believe it. I'm not sure why it's landed this time around. Maybe I've been ready to make that change. Maybe I'm ready to let go of that story I've been telling myself. Maybe I'm done being in this god-forsaken, never-ending loop of suffering.

Always trying to fix me

You just have to read my last article to know that I am a proactive fixer. It's my drug. Now I'm not saying that I'm entirely going to stop digging into myself. Still, I am going to question if it's essential at times. Instead of letting things lie, what I'm actually doing is picking at my scab and not letting the healing happen on its own. I'm also really frigging inpatient, so I keep pulling the plaster off to see if it's healed. Still, every time I do that, I'm delaying healing and focusing my attention on the healing process rather than paying attention on actually living. I'm looking at what 'feels broken' and not seeing all the wholeness and the joy that already exists and is right in front of me!

I'm losing out on life because I'm trying to find something wrong with it, with me.

Always trying to find the root

I have been on a long journey of seeking the root of my brokenness. I have poured hours, thousands of pounds on this never-ending quest to wholeness. It doesn't help that we live in a society that advertises that 'we need (insert person, item, story), to be (insert whole, better, stronger).' I had this stark realisation when walking down the aisle of my local drugstore and seeing a million colours of hair dye on display or the aisles of anti-ageing creams or the aisle with rows of self-help books. We are a society looking externally for wholeness for unbrokenness when we are fundamentally whole at our core. But wholeness doesn't make money, so we have constructed a society built on constantly reinventing ourselves into a 'better version.' I've been doing it too, looking for the piece of the puzzle that will 'complete me' whether that's a thing, a story, a person.

I've just realised towards the end of writing this newsletter that I've unintentionally named each paragraph 'Always trying,' which is literally the epitome of everything I learned this weekend. I've been on a long journey of 'always trying,' and honestly, I'm really bloody tired. It's like being on a really slow uphill treadmill your whole life. You don't feel like you're making much effort, but there are bucketloads of effort and energy going in. The question is, at the expense of what? At the expense of living, at the expense of being at the expense of love. Through these mind-blowing days, I realised I have been an addict to personal development, solely because I hadn't yet fully understood how I wasn't broken, or that I didn't need fixing. Now I see it. I'll never be done learning about myself but now I can enjoy life at the same time. So here I am, “feeling fucking great” and if I know one thing, it’s that I'm sure as hell going to stop trying so hard, start living again, and embrace my unbrokenness - because I finally know I am whole.

With love and care,

#AuthenticAlex 

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Hi there, I'm Alex. If we haven't met before, nice to meet you, and thank you for taking the time out to read my newsletter. If you enjoyed it, you could hit subscribe to be notified and if you liked it, feel free to like, share or add a comment (I like hearing from you). If you want to connect with me in other ways, you can find me on Instagram here, or you can also sign up for my Authentic Alex newsletter that covers topics such as creativity, purpose, presence, leadership, and storytelling. If you're looking for a coach, feel free to get in touch.

About Alex: At the age of 24 Alex found herself employed as the Head of Training and Development for a Foreign Exchange Company in The City. After experiencing her very own quarter-life crisis, she decided to leave the corporate world and create her own definition of success. On the day she left that job she wrote a post that went viral on LinkedIn.

Since then she’s been named LinkedIn Top Voice UK twice for her mental health and personal growth content and has become an official LinkedIn Learning Instructor. She's also the co-founder of #LinkedInLocal, a global movement creating communities in over 100 countries and 1,000 cities.

She’s best known for blogging under the hashtag #AuhtenticAlex where she smashes one stigma at a time and writes about her therapy journey with the aim of inspiring others to transform their traumas into triumphs.

She now helps individuals and businesses grow their presence on LinkedIn, find their sense of purpose, awaken their creativity and tell their stories. You can find out more about her and the brand here: www.fromtraumatotriumph.co.