Unbreak Your Heart

"The way we think about the situation primarily determines how we feel."        

Heartbreak is a very real heart condition. Read this article to discover the quickest way to unbreak your heart and never experience heartbreak the same.

"Okay, so your heart is broken. You sit around mopin' cryin' You say you're even thinkin' about dyin' Well before you do anything rash, dig this Everybody plays the fool sometimes There's no exception to the rule Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel I ain't lyin', everybody plays the fool Falling in love is such an easy thing to do And there's no guarantee that the one you love is gonna love you lovin' eyes they can't see a certain person could never be love runs deeper than any ocean You can cloud your mind with emotion Everybody plays the fool, sometimes There's no exception to rule How can you help it when the music starts to play And your ability to reason is swept away, heaven on earth is all you see You're out of touch with reality And now you cry but when you do Next time around someone cries for you Everybody plays the fool, sometimes They use your heart like a tool listen, baby, they never tell you so in school I want to say it again Everybody plays the fool Listen to me, baby Everybody plays the fool no exception to the rule it may be factual, maybe cruel, sometime But everybody plays the fool, sometime They use your heart like a tool." Lyrics Written by J.R. Bailey Rudy. Clark and Ken Williams. Leadsinger: Cuba Gooding Sr. Source: LyricFind.

Every time my heart is broken by someone I think I'm in love with I think of this song, Everybody plays the fool. I suppose because it makes me feel better somehow knowing that I'm not alone when it comes to such a painful subject matter. I will go out on a limb here to say that just about everyone over the age of thirty has had their heart broken and perhaps have even broken a few hearts, as I must be honest to say that I've been told that I have as well-broken hearts. Life has an uncanny way of helping us experience it rather we are aware of what's happening or not. The thing with love sometimes is as the song you just read says is ... "And now you cry but when you do Next time around someone cries for you." Well, fortunately, or unfortunately we can't help whom we fall in and out of love with and we don't have control over who falls in and out of love with us. You see the heart, brain, and body by themselves are pretty phenomenal. Oftentimes when we fall in love with a person it has much to with something about them lights us up inside, something about them connects with us. Love puts us on a natural high that can cause some negative side effects. We are prone to attract and be attractive to others from the way we smell to the way we use our words as well as our gestures to name a few. When we find ourselves experiencing a deep emotional connection to another person and we label this emotion as love this has a lot to do with our brain only doing what it was created to do in this context which is to connect in hopes to procreate. But, here's the thing about the process leading up to our thought as to what is really going on.

We are actually experiencing a natural high like a high as if we were actually on some type of drug. This is why many of us become addicted to love because of the sheer high of being around this certain individual and even thinking of them takes us on some type of euphoric high. What we are actually experiencing at the time is the endorphin within our brain. Endorphin(s), according to Oxford Languages Dictionary, are any of a group of hormones secreted within the brain and nervous system and having several physiological functions. They are peptides that activate the body's opiate receptors, causing an analgesic (of a drug) acting to relieve pain kind of effect.

If we take the time to do a deep dive into ourselves we can learn how to control our response to these brainy dosages of nostalgia. But, unfortunately, many of us don't look into the work that it takes to not fall into this deep sometimes dark, and not so wonderful place. But rather just react from the emotion our mind and body present to us, keeping in mind that we are all different in so many ways so we all connect with our emotions differently. But the overall effect of falling in love happens to us all.

The big problem with acting from and out of emotion is that "emotions are basically your body's reaction to what you are thinking. Our belief system and other unconscious thoughts are happening on autopilot all the time, and cause emotions and this is why sometimes we have no idea why we feel the way we do." And, sometimes we have no real idea why we love the one we love so much, but we believe that we just do. At least this was the case with me and I will share his nickname, which was/is Slick-Rick. Slick-Rick just seems to fit this particular guy. He is used to having control over his woman and looking back at the situation I'm sure he was trying to have more than one woman stroke his huge ego. Slick-Rick even had the nerve to tell me one day that I was too militant in my way of thinking. Lol. I knew why he had said this to me was because I called him out, a lot on his bs. And, I have to be honest here since I'm sharing a very personal part of my life. When Slick Rick and I first met I had a gut feeling to run and not to look back. I'm going to share with you why I chose to ignore my gut feeling in a moment and right here share with you the reason(s) for me trying to move into a more serious and intimate relationship with this individual.

The first red flag that I ignored was that he reminded me of my first husband but this also was like familiarity. I was new to the State and area and had been in my new State and area for nearly one year and hadn't really met anyone so I hadn't made any real friends. I am used to having others around me whenever I wanted and needed another person to be there for me. And, I was used to being in some form of a relationship up until this point in my life. Slick Rick presented me with so many red flags at the beginning of our relationship that I just simply ignored such as how comfortable he was with his approach. His attitude and approach were simply too easygoing and when I finally had invited him over for a brief conversation to get to know one another better he wanted to have sex with me and I turned him down and asked him to leave. This was certainly a red flag. Moving forwards, when we saw one another again he put the charm on pretty heavy and I fell for it.

Don't get me wrong, I was attracted to him physically. Our conversations were about history and culture which are two of my favorite topics. Here's the thing with this whole scenario. I was lonely seeking love and connection. There's nothing wrong with wanting love and connection. Desiring love and connection are a part of the six human needs. In case you are not aware of what the 6 human needs are. "The 6 human needs are a powerful psychological framework, created by therapist Cloe Madanes and popularized by Anthony Robbins' strategic intervention strategies. These core needs are at the root of our motivations and why we prioritize certain decisions and actions, often without our awareness. Each person values one or more of these needs more than the others. Which need is your primary driver is a huge determining factor for how you live your life." - How the Mind Works. By, Joeel & Natalie Rivera.

The 6 human needs are:

1. Certainty/Comfort
2. Uncertainty/Variety
3. Significance
4. Love and Connection
5. Growth
6. Contribution

Also, according to the research shared within the pages of the book "How the Mind Works," the first four needs are called personality needs. These four needs are things that we always find ways to meet, so they are vital. The last two are called the needs of the spirit and are needs not always met. In most cases, the first four needs must be met before a person can start to value and focus on meeting the last two needs. However, when we meet those higher-level needs is when we truly feel fulfilled. - The Human Mind Owner's Manual. By Joeel & Natalie Rivera.

So you see, I had been looking outside of myself to fulfill my need to feel love and connection, which is one of the 6 Human Needs. Most of us will go, and or have gone to some drastic lengths and have caused, and or allowed some traumatic and unwarranted drama to happen in our lives to fulfill one or and all of our 6 human needs.

Having love and falling in love is a beautiful thing. The biggest problem with the experience of heartbreak for many of us, at least I know that it was for me until I began the needed work on myself, is that many of us don't understand that at the core of who we really are, our decisions and behaviors are driven by underlying needs and that our beliefs about how our needs must be met.

You see, it's only natural to fall in love and we don't have much control over whom our hearts are attracted to. And, once again we have no control over who falls in love with us. But, we can control how we respond and react to such feelings/emotions. It is important to understand here what emotions really are.

"Every experience is a lesson. Every loss is a gain."         

According to the book, The Human Mind Owner's Manual, the best place to start a discussion about how thinking works and impacts our life is to look at emotions. Some people say, "You should always trust your emotions." And, "Feelings are irrational and can't be trusted." Well, both are not actually correct. Because emotions and feelings are neither right nor wrong, true or false. Emotions are your body's reactions to what you are thinking. An example of this is when we think we can only be happy if we obtain a certain thing in life. The problem here is the power of our thoughts at work which we do have plenty of control over if we want to have such control. And yes, doing so is a learnable skill. It's about mind over matter. But that's another blog. "So where do our emotions come from? Actually from our unconscious mind and senses are picking up from our environment that trigger emotions this can be anywhere from body language, facial expressions to the automatic physiological response to sensing danger and having automatic fear response." But really most of the time it isn't the outside world or the situation that is happening that causes our emotional reaction. It's what we're thinking. It is our interpretation that causes our emotional reaction to the situation. This is another reason why I highly encourage my clients to look into Cognitive Behavior Disorder (CBD). CBD is all about our thinking process. Many years ago I was diagnosed by a Therapist that I was seeing at the time as having CBD but unfortunately, either I was just not in the right mind at the time to really understand CBD or he just didn't deliver the diagnostic in the way of which I could understand it fully. But, this experience leads me into becoming a life coach after I had done my own deep-dive research into understanding exactly what CBD is.

I also discovered that once we learn about CBD we become aware of our thoughts and we can train ourselves to understand our thoughts and behaviors better. And, by doing so we become better aware of our thoughts and behaviors so that we can make any needed changes and began to see life differently.

"Recognize Emotion. Identify thought. Change thought. Change Emotion."         

Why is this all-important to know? How does it all relate to heartbreak? Well, I'm glad you asked. The number one reason is that we want to heal as soon as possible and we want to feel better. In addition, our emotions are the driving force for our behaviors because our decisions are based on how we feel.

"As we get better at being aware of our emotions and thinking we become better able to make decisions from a place of control."

        

"The behaviors we exhibit and the actions we take are a direct result of our thoughts. Our thoughts and emotions have a direct effect on everything that we do and experience. So, "it is our behaviors and actions that determine the results and outcomes we experience in our lives, both the wanted ones and the unwanted ones."

"Thoughts>Emotions>Decisions>Actions>Result."        

"By changing our thoughts we can literally change our lives in any area of focus."

It's time to stop reacting in love, and start being Love.

Remember: "The brain has evolved to rapidly interpret everything your experiencing and it's so good at it that you don't even notice it's happening. That is until something happens that causes your mind to interpret a situation as negative. It chooses a perspective or belief about the situation that creates an emotional reaction in your body. It's unpleasant, so it's noticeable. Your body reacts to this emotion, which is actually caused by the thought triggering your body to release any of several brain chemicals, often referred to as neurotransmitters or endorphins, or hormones. Your brain is like a chemical factory and there is a different neurotransmitter that is responsible for every emotion you can feel." - The Human Mind Owner's Manual.

When our heart is broken all sorts of negative irrational and even debilitating thoughts occur in our mind from why doesn't this person love me? Wasn't I good enough? Too, I've been tricked. Bamboozled. And, they never really loved me anyhow. Before we are carried away with the after-effects of heartbreak we should ask ourselves how much of this do we know is actually true? How much of our thoughts can we prove are true about the overall situation? We tend to tell ourselves things even when the person we are/were in love with has never been expressed. And, even if the person had expressed such thoughts towards you the part we actually are to take responsibility for is looking within ourselves to measure how much truth was expressed? How much do we care? Are we willing to make some changes? Are the changes being asked something that we can change? And, or if the change(s) is something that we are willing to make in order to be in a relationship with this person? See, it all reflects back to us.

And, get this. Much of the time, it's our ego wrote all over our thoughts and feelings rather than a desire to accept the truth of what's really happen/ing. Because once again we want what we want. This too is human.

We all have irrational thoughts. You see, our brain tries to protect us which is its number one goal. Your brain interprets your world ... "it is very easy to misperceive or misunderstand situations that are happening around us or things people say to us for a lot of different reasons."

The reason why heartbreak happens is primarily due to a feeling of loss. Feelings of loss bring on fear. Anger. Sadness and depression. These are very intense emotions and we need to get to the root cause of them in order to heal faster and begin to show up in life as one with some sense. Yes, I said it. Become one with some sense. Because there seems to be this surge of messy thinking, such as, "Love me as I am or leave me." So what happens is you get left. "If it's not my way then it's the highway." So what happens is you get left. Trying to recreate today's relationships using yester-year aspects of one. Partners to fit yester-year relationship queues are harder to find today than ever. Things have changed and so this means that people have changed. A lot of men of today expect a woman to handle and take care of the household. Some men will happily become househusbands. A lot of women are owners of their own businesses. And, a lot of them don't want children. A lot of people don't want an exclusive relationship, although they may like you a lot and want you to remain in their life they are just not ready to settle down to one person. And, some women like myself will not allow love to blind her life choice although she's fallen/falling for another. My point here is that there are many reasons why an individual ends up breaking our heart.

O, and for the record, I ended the relationship with Slick Rich. And, if honesty speaks, I miss certain things about him, but not enough to lose myself. Serenade.

A good remedy to help us get past the breakup is to honestly acknowledge that we honestly do feel the pain. Next, cry. Mope. Moan for a few days. Write a letter to the individual telling them how you really feel. But don't send the letter unless you are for sure that you no longer desire them as a part of your life and the letter is for self-cleansing purposes. In many cases, this probably should be the case. I released all of my angst upon Slick Rick via a text. The primary reason I sent him a text message was that I knew from past confrontations he wouldn't answer his phone and if he had answered he wasn't going to allow me to speak my peace and I had to cleanse my spirit and soul. This is simply my way. I don't recommend this for everyone. Let's talk first before you decide to actually deliver the angry detachment letter, please. Moving on. Keep a journal so that you can reflect and compare your thoughts and feelings about the situation and your growth through it all. And, something that is very important is to redirect your focus. Get back into doing whatever it was that you use to do that you enjoyed before this person came into your life. Start looking into developing passions, or discovering other passions. If you don't know where to start then I highly suggest doing a Google search on how many things are available for a person to learn. Or, How many hobbies are in existence. Of course, what comes up depends on how you word it. But the point is to start focusing on other things and projects that bring you interest. This is the time to not abandon yourself and to show up for yourself. This is called self-love. If you think you don't deserve self-love. Or, that you don't know how to give yourself self-love (not overt self-confidence as these are two different things) then it's time for us to really have a talk.

This brings us to these final important factors to accept into our reality. How to unbreak our hearts.

The first step to unbreaking our hearts is, to be honest about ourselves. Be honest about the type of person we are. Be honest about the type of person we desire in our life. Be honest about the type of life and lifestyle we truly want to live. And, just as importantly, be true to yourself of the characteristics and abilities that you have to have the type of person you want in your life to share your life with. Meaning, if you want someone who's got a centerfold type image but you barely workout and try to eat right yourself chances of you obtaining and keeping such a person are awe, so very slim. Didn't say it couldn't happen, but that the chances of it happening are small. If you are looking for someone to take care of you just because you are you this is just unrealistic because the reality is someone is going to get bored. Someone is going to become tired of doing all the work and begin to look for newer and better prospects. Some people are cynical all day, every day. Even naggers hate to be around naggers and people who speak negatively more than the desire to open to more positive communication and experiences. No one wants to play the waiting game. You know, "Wait for me to get out of this relationship I'm already in." Or, "Wait for me to get my shit together." There's too many fish out there in the sea to play the waiting game. And, some people such as myself, have a very short temperament when it comes to crossing their set boundaries/limitations, especially once after they've been expressed.

So you see here, those are just a few reasons and examples as to why someone, including ourselves, are all heartbreakers sometimes. Now, we could talk about when a person is led on and gets heartbroken, but that's another blog too. And, know that being led on has the same or similar emotions as someone having actually been in a relationship. It can be heartbreaking to be lead on by someone. But it really doesn't matter all of the above applies when it comes to how to think about heartbreak.

We may try to hide some or all of our messy character flaws but they all will manifest them out because this is who we are at the core. You may not even be a messy type of person from the perspective of relations but a person simply may not be that into you to form and maintain a relationship. This should be okay once identified. And, if the love interest is turned off by our flaws, or you are turned off by the love of your love interest flaws what tends to happen is we either look for change, desire a change or make a change. In reality, we have to become the change. Whatever the case, there's a lesson to be learned. The lesson to be learned showed up for you and for them too if they are part of awareness.

The heart wants what it wants. But here's the key to true happiness. Working on yourself and being true to the life you really want to experience. We may have intense feelings of love for a person, but this doesn't mean we are willing to continue to be exposed to their negative behaviors. Nor do they have any obligation to stay with us no matter how genuine of a person we perceive of ourselves. And, nor, does it mean that this is the person that we are destined to be with for the rest of life.

"Every experience is a lesson. Every loss is a gain."        

"Regardless of the reason why you miss your Ex, the remedy is always the same > Self-love, working on improving our own confidence and self-esteem. Healing our codependency and trauma bonds and changing our mindset so that we know that we are enough." ~Upjourney.com.

It's time to wake up from the fog. Be grateful that you can feel, that all or any of your sensories are in tack. Control yourself from turning bitter, but choose to get better. Because every heartbreak that comes into our lives is one that urges us to pay attention to our current state of mind. Pushing us to ask ourselves the question, "How is this working for me?" This happens in order to push us towards improving our life. We find, and often times will develop the strength that it takes to move forwards in order to create the life that we really want and this includes spending our life with and around those whom we want in it, as well as, with those who welcome us into their lives with no strings attached. Please remember that.

Hi. My name is, Katie Flowers. I'm a certified Master Life Coach & Business Consultant. I'm available should you want, need, or desire to get your life back on track after a heartbreak. I know personally how difficult life can seem, and how your everyday life can become when going through such a traumatic experience. Please visit my website, https://coachsuccessexperiencelifecom.clixli.com/. Or, LinkedIn Inbox for more information about me. I also offer a one-time 30 minutes Free Consultation in order for us to feel rather or not we would be a good fit.

O, yes. Please do become a fan of my newest Facebook broadcast, Passion+Purpose=Profit. https://www.facebook.com/PassionPurposeProfit-100881065281428. Transformation Series. Bi-weekly. 12:30pm CST/ 1:30pm EST. I'm your host alongside Dr. Niesha Cherry, Mind & Fitness Coach. If you're serious about making a positive change then we got you.

Thank you.

xoxo