Unbelonging & Boundaries
I recently listened to a podcast episode by Glennon Doyle about “Left-Outedness”.
It was a really beautifully positioned and interesting exploration of that feeling of being left out and why it is so scary for humans. As the mother of an eleven year old girl, left-outedness comes up a lot as my child navigates the (often covertly) hostile terrain of middle school.
I myself haven’t had much of a problem with it over my life. It’s not that I haven’t been left-out. I certainly have. It’s just that I’ve never cared that much about being part of a group anyway. In this, I am very unusual. I wasn’t really very aware of this until I started coaching. I remember reading Brene Brown’s “Braving the Wilderness” early on and thinking; "Why is she making so much fuss about belonging?!".
In fact, belonging is a fundamental human need. We are neurologically wired for it because belonging keeps us safe. Whether we are left behind by the group to starve on a mountainside, or left out of a game on the playground, most people’s brains perceive both things as threats of an equal level. Throughout most of human history, getting left out could literally kill you.
I identify strongly with the idea of the “outsider”. It is not a co-incidence that I moved to the other side of the world where I will NEVER sound like the people who grew up here. I am an outlier, and I always have been. Even at school I would get very uncomfortable when someone wanted to be “best friends”. It felt constraining and stifling to me. My favorite situation was to be one of three - then there was never too much pressure on me to be THE ONE. I am the oldest of three children, and we are all close, but my brother and sister are twins, so I guess I have always been the “third”.
At heart I am fiercely independent and at this stage of my life, being comfortable outside of the system is a big advantage for the work that I do. I don’t need to be in the “club”, in fact I don’t want to be in the “club”. My job is actually to be outside the club, helping to dismantle it, brick by brick!
Those of you who have been reading my newsletters for a while will know that I love this time of year. As a relatively new American, I have adopted Halloween as one of my favorite celebrations and my preferred costume is that of a witch. The witch is generally portrayed as a single woman, with power, living outside of the community. Sometimes she’s beautiful, sometimes she is ugly and this emphasis on her looks says much about the society that is perceiving her. I identify strongly with this archetype. And then, I do love cats . . .
“Unruly women are always witches, no matter what century we’re in”
- Roxane Gay
One thing that the witch generally does very well is boundaries. "If you eat my (candy covered) house, YOU in turn will be eaten!", "If you cross me, you will be turned into a frog". And in the case of Professor McGonagall from Harry Potter; "If you break the rules, you will be given detention!". The witch has no problem sticking to and defending her boundaries and that is a large part of her power.
Conversely we “muggle” women generally struggle terribly with boundaries. One new client said to me when I asked her about her boundaries “I didn’t realize we are allowed to have them".
We women have been taught that our value is in what we GIVE. Boundaries involve saying no and keeping things for ourselves - our values, our energy, our bodies. That behavior is against the patriarchal rules.
Boundaries sometimes risk belonging. “ If I speak up against this people won’t like me.” “If I don’t go to that event, I will be left out of the group.” “ If I don’t do what he says then he might not be my boyfriend any more”. But what about belonging to ourselves? Shouldn’t we belong to ourselves first before we “belong” to anyone else?
When I work with a client we begin the process of self-belonging. What do I want? What do I believe? What do I need? What are the boundaries I need to put in place in order to be able to belong to myself?.. And slowly they begin to step into their power… There is no wand, no broomstick and no flying monkeys but it is still magical to behold.
What do you want?
What do you believe?
What do you need?
What are the boundaries you need to put in place in order to be able to belong to yourself?
My "Wild Why Project" is in full swing and there are still a few spots left.
Take a look under my signature for all the details.
Sending you love and wildness,
Emma
Do you know what your own “why” is?
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If not, would you like some support in uncovering it?
From September 15th to October 30th I am running
"The Wild Why Project”
...Because mid-life can be a tremendous opportunity to take stock and decide what matters most to you and who you want to be in this world.
The Wild Why project is my invitation to spend a little time thinking about this and to try on the possibility of living a more intentional life that you love.
“The Wild Why Project"
Because you're here for a reason.
30 One-to-One Conversations in Fall 2023
My Gift to You
How do you book one of the remaining spots?
Please follow these steps:
1. First, click this project calendar and book a time spot in the project:
Each Wild Conversation is 90 minutes.
This conversation will take place between September 15th and October 30th 2023.
2. Once booked, you will be sent some questions. Please complete these and send them back within a week of receipt.
3. Don’t be too hasty here. Take 30 minutes and really dig into the questions so I can best know how to show up for you during our call.
4. A booked call is not a guaranteed spot in the project. If after reading your answers I don’t think that I am the right coach or that this is the right project fit for you, I will kindly cancel our conversation.
5. Show up to your call. The project will fill and cancelations or no-shows cannot be rescheduled.
Projects like this are part of how I connect with my ideal coaching clients and fill the limited coaching spots I have available in my practice each season, but these calls are not sales consults, and they are designed to have value for you as a standalone experience. They are also an opportunity for me to connect with and coach people I wouldn't otherwise get to meet. If, towards the end of the call, we are a good fit for each other, we will discuss how we can work together going forward. If not, then we will discuss other resources to support you in your journey.
This call is my gift to you.