UnBecoming

After writing my latest article on Being, Becoming and Belonging, I read an article by Susan David author of 'Emotional Agility', where she talks about the concept of "Unbecoming". It sparked my interest and stayed with me, so I decide to expand on it in my article this week.

Here is what she wrote:

"We live in a society that prizes the process of becoming. We celebrate those who know themselves and know their goals, and then succeed at becoming the person they’ve always wanted to be. [...] People who seize their destiny and bend the world to their will—they’re the ones who earn our utmost respect and admiration.

We grow up in school systems and societies that push us to become the best, to compete with others and make sure we stand out. We try hard to follow the process, to excel, to succeed and to someday make it! We set goals and ambitions that we want to achieve and once we achieve them we rarely stop to celebrate; we just look for the next goal and the next milestone, because we get our sense of fulfillment from looking ahead and constantly moving forward, not from standing still. But it is only in standing still that we have access to the present moment and we open up the space inside of us that holds our inner knowing.

"We all know that setting goals and becoming who we most want to be is an important part of human thriving. However, the ability to step outside of your ambitious (and sometimes rigid) plan for the future—the ability to unbecome—is just as crucial. To become is to be oriented toward a version of you that does not currently exist. Your thoughts and actions are guided by a desire to leave your current state and enter a new, better one, like the proverbial caterpillar who longs to be a butterfly. But reality is often more complicated than that—it’s not always a straight shot from point A to point B. "

"The desire to leave your current state and enter a new, better one..." The key word here is "better". We are so trained to pursue reward that it always seems to be greener on the other side. We convince ourselves that what we have is not enough, that who we are is not enough, and we set off to explore greener pastures. But, as is often the case, when we get to the other side, we discover that it is not as green or luscious as we imagined it to be. This is where the invitation to "unbecome" comes in.

"To unbecome is to accept that the only constant is change—that all spaces are liminal spaces. We often experience confusion and unknowing, and yet, the in-between stages also hold beautiful opportunities for breathing, stillness and reflection. Unbecoming is the ability to be present in the current moment rather than view it as a mere pit stop on the way to some preferable end state."

I started to really understand that "change is the only constant" when I left the corporate world back in 2007 and decided to pursue my career as a coach because I was fascinated by the process of inner transformation. While, during my time as a brand manager, I could answer the question "where would you like to be in five years", when I started my own coaching practice, there was so much to find out and discover that knowing where I would be in five years became difficult, and to me quite frankly irrelevant. My goal was never to build a successful business and make millions, my goal was to touch the human soul, and this is not something I could quantify. If someone would have told me that I would be running my own coaching practice for 10 years, then joining the consulting world for 4 years to now land back in the corporate world as director of a leadership academy, I would have not imagined it! Yet, I believe a part of me dreamed it and co-created it, but in order to do that I needed to be fully present to my evolving self, to my own realizations and my inner unfolding.

To become the person I am today, I needed to unbecome and let go of my attachment to the previous versions of me. This was the only way to welcome the transformation I was seeing in myself and the potential for impact this created. If you ask me today what is your preferred end state, I would answer that there is none in my mind. I do have a desire though, which stems from the essence of who I am. That desire is to help heal our broken world. In my work, when I open my heart, it becomes a holding space for someone who is suffering. When I am present to the pain of others I invite them to slow down enough, become present to their own pain, so they can allow their healing to begin.

Unbecoming involves healing parts of ourselves that were traumatized on our journey to becoming different versions along the way. As the year comes to an end, I invite you to UNBECOME. Ditch your New Year's resolutions and slow down enough to just BE in the present moment. No requirements, no pressure to become anyone, at least for now. Your inner world and your outer world need your attention now more than ever.