The Unbearable Blindness of Always Being Right

One of the true killers of good communication and dialogue is the unbearable need to be right.

Well, who wouldn’t like to be right? After all, the opposite of that is being wrong. As we live in a time where things are often seen as very black and white, as either zero or one, this could indeed be the case.

When I was young and in my first leadership role, being right felt like part of the job description. It meant setting the tone, defining how things should be done, and determining what was right or wrong.

But even then, I noticed that if you questioned something, presented improvement ideas, or were bold enough to think outside the box, the response was often: "No, that is wrong.”

The best one was when something was considered wrong simply because I was young, fresh out of school, and was told that I would know what’s right once I got older.

Well this was the end of 80'

Nowadays, when people are doing more specialist work than ever, we need new ideas, fresh eyes, new perspectives, and, more than ever, out-of-the-box thinking. So happy to see that "being right" has become a thing of the past.

But it's not—it’s actually getting worse.

Many of us work in a business where the customer brings in the money. Is it important for the customer to know—or do they even care—who is right and who is wrong? Or does the customer only care about getting their money’s worth?

Imagine you are in a restaurant, trying their new dish—salmon spiced with cardamom—and you love it.

You mention this to the waiter, and instead of replying, "Yes, this is a dish our kitchen has been developing for a long time, and they are proud of it," the waiter says, "Yes, Cook Peter wanted to spice the salmon with ginger, but Cook Simon wanted cardamom, and Simon was right."

That would be a completely unnecessary comment from the waiter.

So, our customers don’t need this information.

One of the most complex things ever built in the world is the space shuttle. I doubt there was a single person who was always right and had all the answers, nor was there someone who was always wrong.

There were many challenges, many thoughts, and wild ideas to build upon—a true group effort.

Let's add leadership into this equation.

Imagine a situation where you are meeting with your colleagues and your manager. You have a challenge that needs to be solved. Your manager opens the meeting by sharing how they think it should be solved.

Now, depending on your relationship with your leader, you either hear this as "the right way to solve the challenge" or, if your leader is aware of this risk, they clarify that they want to build on the idea or explore other options.

If you have a truly "I'm always right" kind of leader, they might even reject the best solution and come up with one of their own—just to be right.

So, the unbearable need to be right is harmful in any leadership or management position and is hardly good for business.

So why is it that we see so many symptoms of "being right"?

I think there are many reasons, but the biggest cause of "being right" symptoms is that people in the workplace don’t feel safe being wrong.

When people feel threatened, they overcompensate, which manifests as "being right" behavior.

Well, what can we do?

I approach this from a leadership point of view:

1.????? If you find yourself in a situation where people are debating, never judge by saying, "You are right." Even if you don’t say it out loud, the person whose suggestion wasn’t chosen will hear, "You were wrong." Instead, acknowledge both parties for bringing valuable insights and emphasize that the solution will be built together.

2.????? If you want a truly equal discussion, start by telling participants that you don’t know the answer. First, this shows that you are vulnerable, not all-knowing, and not always right. More importantly, it signals that you are genuinely there to hear your team’s opinions.

3.????? If you have "I'm always right" individuals in your team, coach them to make space for others. Teach them to listen, ask questions, engage in dialogue, and build on others' suggestions.

4.????? Show everyone that you don’t lose face, aren’t diminished, and don’t lose respect if your solution isn’t chosen. And if, as a last resort, nothing else works—remove the "I'm always right" individuals from your team.

5.????? Make sure your team feels safe to be wrong. People can fail even when they’ve done everything right, and they can succeed even when everything has gone wrong.

As I stated, one of the true killers of good communication and dialogue is the unbearable need to be right. This happens because, when we communicate and engage in dialogue, there is always a possibility that we might be wrong. If someone is always focused on pointing out mistakes rather than building on the discussion, the environment becomes unsafe, and we feel vulnerable.

“Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

— Brené Brown