"The Unbalance of Selfishness"

How does one win in the battle of being their best, yet sharing with the rest? This is a question that has challenged me over and over again within myself since I was in my mid twenties. Giving of oneself is a twofold action; it is definitely a wonderful emotion when enjoying the feeling of being able to better another individual by an act of grace or kindness. Investing into someone and watching them multiply what has been given, this is such a reward! -

However, there is another angle to all of this. What about in the instances when the feelings of suffering or sacrifice are heavily experienced in the situation? When patience is required, when time is given; when it literally feels like a physical burden when something is shared, given or portrayed by an action. How far is too far and when is it not enough? What guidelines help make proper decisions? Knowing this answer would be good.

I find myself looking at photo's of you when you were a newborn, certain pictures of your innocence cause me to instantly feel sharp and deep emotions. Most times I cry when I see any photo of you that show you when you were younger than 3 years old. I desire such greatness of your future and I have thoughts of sharing more of my time with you, of teaching you more, allowing you more experiences and affording you more opportunities as a child. I mostly feel sadness and extreme gnawing guilt of not doing more for you now. You have great needs of more, more of everything, literally.

After these thoughts invade my mind and my emotions are forcefully pushed to the side by my sheer mental willpower, I tell myself that billions have it worse than you, than me, when I was a child. I reassure myself that it will be better in just a few years from now. I only need time to change your circumstances. I believe in myself to provide a better alternative for you. To show you better than I was shown, to give you more than you know in all categories. To be a friend, to be a mentor, to be a Dad. You're such a great little guy. If not me, who? Who will guide you and teach you to be a wise young man, to show you the wide horizons of your destiny, who will provide the invaluable information of what life is really about to you? I must win for you my little soul. I don't want you feeling alone or hopeless. I felt that way for too long. I still often feel that way, but I have learned a few things that help me along the way, that helps me when I feel that way.

I must win for you my little soul.

When placing my name in the blank for your needs, I fall short, every time! You do not have enough. Oh how you need someone to invest in you, to believe in you, to help you dream and be ambitious. Time to work with you and show you a hundred times how to tie your shoe with that wickedly frustrating string. Oh my little friend, I know you need a guide. I know you are in need of so many things. - I am trying to make it to the place that I have the ability to offer you more freedom and more opportunity. I do want to see you succeed and be a good man, a God fearing man, a loving and compassionate man. Please, just allow me a little time, slow down and do not grow up so quickly.

Oftentimes I am very tough on you. I am very abrasive with you when you do wrong, but I assure you son, I want the best for you. I dream about the day when I can afford you every opportunity and your future shines brightly with the characteristics of a successful and kind man. Perhaps a mixture of your Grandfather Jack and your Uncle Jonathan. Oh my little friend, if only my strong desire could change your world with wishes, many things would be different.

 "...Let us conquer life..."

Only a little time is needed, I often think to myself. Perhaps another year, maybe two. Can I make the right decisions, the best decision for both of us? I am selfish quite often, because I want a better life for myself. Sometimes I think that if I share too much with you that it will take me longer to arrive where I am going for the both of us. Oh, how the thoughts in my mind act as a perilous waterfall pounding over my head, choking my breath away with no break, no freedom, no way out, no solution to our dead end.

Many battles are left ahead and I will not cause you to walk alone, I promise. I will love you, that you can be assured of until the very end. So help me be balanced, help me become a good man. If you help me, unlike myself, when it came to my Father, we will both reign free men who lead others out of darkness. Just be strong with me and we will make it together to the end. Instead of me being a martyr and you being forgotten, let's find a balance and both be men. Stand with me and let's both be selfish in the causes that are always greater than this world. Let us conquer life together and we can teach each other how to be greater men and kinder men. What do you say little buddy, are you up for an adventure?