Unashamedly a working parent.

"Hey!?I planned celebratory drinks for X project at 6pm tonight, meet us there?"

"Oh, I didn't invite you because I figured you needed to get home to your family."

"I miss the old you, the one who could stay at the office until 9pm grinding with us."

"Why can't you stay 15 minutes longer??I'll pay the fee if you're late for pickup."

"You mentioned you might have to leave at 5pm to pick up your children, is that going to be a problem in the future?"

Hmmm. Is my child going to be a problem in the future? Of course. Are you serious?

Unfortunately, it's likely if you're a working parent, you've experienced an interaction similar to the above.

Let's be clear - everyone is working for someone. Whether you're an employee reporting to an Executive, a CEO reporting to a VC, a Board Member answering to Shareholders or a James Bond henchman, you're working for someone and that requires clear expectations and boundaries. There's every chance you have a partner, child(ren) or are seeking one or both.

My parenting journey began with the arrival of my daughter back in 2016. At the time an article came out by a woman claiming she felt entitled to a me-ternity (all the "perks" of maternity leave without actually having any kids).?As a newbie on the mommy blogs, I found the outrage and backlash entertaining.

What I didn't realize three weeks into being a new Mom was that the issue wasn't necessarily about this particular individual wanting a break to reflect on life, but the pure annoyance that yet another working professional (regardless of gender) made the assumption that time "off" spent nurturing a human being for the continuation of the human race could be considered anything but HARD WORK.?

Fast forward three months into my working parent journey.?It was only when I became a parent that others sought me out for guidance on the topic.?I recall a coworker who had a daughter around the same time.?He was so excited. He decided it was time to look for a new role as he could no longer sustain the 12-13 hour work days while sharing the load with his wife who also had a full time gig.?His resume and experience - fantastic. Personality and culture fit - on point. So why wasn't he getting past the phone screens? We talked about it over lunch.?

It came down to one question:

Q: Why are you looking to leave?

A: I'm a new dad and looking for better work life balance.



End phone screen.? Auto-rejection.        

The look on his face told me 'I'm only now realizing how hard it must be for Moms, either working or looking to continue their career after having children. When you share the load of parenting, others question your commitment.'

While leave policies may be getting better in an effort to encourage primary carers (beyond the birthing parent) to take more of an active parenting role, the reality is most don't utilize the time offered and have not addressed the underlying issues around inclusion for working parents.

A brilliant woman in the DEI space once described inclusion with this analogy:

"I want to be invited to the party and asked to dance."

        

I returned to work after maternity leave and was determined to "prove" myself. Of course I could go back to my 12-13 hour work days while pumping 3x/day and sleeping in 4 hour blocks, all while balancing being a good wife, boss, daughter, employee, friend and new mom. Riiiigggghhhhtttt. That lasted 6 weeks. My body physically and mentally let me down. I'd have instant anxiety attacks - "how could I possibly make this work? What if I can't? I don't have a choice." At that time, it made more sense for my husband to be the primary caretaker. As an actor, his career is much more flexible than mine and a break wouldn't be nearly as detrimental to his growth potential. It didn't hurt that he also happens to be an excellent chef. This gender reversal was the primary reason I was able to grow my career from Manager to Sr. Director after deciding to start a family. Side note: if you haven't watched this episode of Explained on Netflix, you should!

I tell all new parents coming back from leave - don't hold those feelings in. Talk to someone. Create boundaries. Educate others who demonstrate or share their negative bias towards working parents.

My learning from these past few years?

• The price for succeeding in one area of your life is likely to sacrifice another. There are times I accept the fact that I am an amazing employee and mother but not a great wife or I'm rocking the job and the husband but didn't read my girl a story before bed. I fix that by not trying to be all three at once. Reflect often, over index as needed and don't hold yourself to unrealistic expectations. Calibration is key.
• Working parents are forced into efficiency and productivity out of necessity. There is a reason savvy entrepreneurs use technology to open up job opportunities that create more flexibility for this untapped workforce.
• The guilt working parents experience and ignorance around inclusion in the workplace is real and prevalent. It takes awareness, empathy and patience of those doing their part to call out bias and educate others using radical candor.
• Working parents require allies and advocates to drive awareness and change.

The benefit of having a stay at home partner meant I could get in early, work late without notice and continue to grow my career without the banner of "parent" hovering over my head in neon lights. I did that and continued to move up in my career.

Then one day I realized I needed to be more of an advocate for working parents in all situations and if I was going to talk the talk, I had to walk the walk. I wasn't reflecting today's typical working parent. I reminded myself of George Jetson and my husband, well, he became a foul mouthed Australian version Jane and Rosie.

My new year's resolution a couple of years ago? Be authentic. Share the load 50/50. I began dropping off and picking up my daughter from daycare 2-3 days a week. In LA traffic, that meant I was in the office about an hour later than usual (9am) and out an hour earlier than usual (5pm) those days.

                     To my surprise, not much changed.
                      
                              

Ultimately, I was forced into time efficiencies during my core workday and made up for lost time either checking emails first thing in the morning or hopping online after the bedtime routine to tie up loose ends. I met my deadlines, the ball didn't drop.

The pros - I had almost two additional hours on these days to chat with my daughter, hear about her day and see her socialize with her teachers and classmates.

The cons - I finally experienced the social exclusion and awkward boundary setting conversations.

If you haven't read Jonathan Sposato's book Better Together, you should. I had the pleasure of having Jonathan come to speak with and spend some time facilitating a conversation with my former Executive team talking about gender diversity and his experiences. If only we all had a Jonathan as an in house ally! One of my favorite examples of Jonathan's is the time he scheduled a team meeting last minute for 8:30am. When he asked one of his key leaders for feedback following the meeting, he learnt she had to scramble the evening prior to organize her mother in law to come over last minute to watch the kids and figure out alternative commute arrangements to make it to the meeting on time. He didn't foresee that action causing so much inconvenience and stress for a key team member, so from that day forward Jonathan took accountability and enacted a culture of flexibility. No meetings before 9:30am or after 4:30pm. He understood that while his business was his baby - it was not an actual baby. Jonathan understands that culture is a sum of behaviors and culture flows top down. It's difficult to create a culture of flexibility if your leadership team do not model and reinforce the right behaviors.

There's nothing more awkward than having someone offer to pay your $1/minute late fee at daycare for showing up after they close. That awkward boundary conversation sounded something like this "No, thank you. It's not about the late fee, it's about not having my child be the last one picked up, inevitably upset and surrounded by grumpy teachers who would like to get home to their own families. I have to go."

"When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.  This is why we attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice."

-  Brene Brown        

I've learned that given the opportunity to uphold the boundaries you set for yourself as a working parent, the happier you will be and the more educated those around you will become.

Seek out allies, educate them in a safe space and explain the ways they can help uphold your boundaries in a way that minimizes the hard and awkward feedback sessions. But be prepared, they will still end up needing to happen.

If you're an ally or advocate reading this asking, "What can I do?" Here's some actionable recommendations:

• Be intentional with timing for social events - provide notice so they can at least have the option to attend. Organizing pick-up/drop-off and commutes takes a bit more time than rescheduling a gym class. Better yet, ask for preferences on timing. Some of my best team gatherings have been during the day or on a weekend where their significant others and children could join.
• Seek to understand their challenges. Everyone's situation is unique. How can you be an ally and support them? Start by asking an open ended question. For example, if a recurring meeting exists due to time zone coverage, gather input on convenience and alternatives.
• It's unwise to put someone in a position where they must choose between their livelihood and family. These two things are not mutually exclusive. Creating a strong sense of psychological safety, allowing working parents to deliver output and not a timecard will help alleviate this type of situation. Knowing family comes first for working parents and operating with that assumption without penalizing them for it is key. Set expectations on output and when you hear of something happening (e.g. my child is sick) offer time and support without having to make the parent ask for it. In 20 years time, do you think you'd be dwelling on the meeting you had to miss or being at the hospital with your child when they were unwell? Yet, many working parents are afraid of perception and have this internal dialogue of priorities, ultimately making a choice - do I prioritize my family or my livelihood in this moment?
• Ask yourself - who gets promoted at work? Is your environment setup where parents are at a disadvantage? There will always be someone who will "outwork" everyone else and often is rewarded for doing so. The sad reality is that outworking others is usually an unsustainable behavior that leads to burnout for top performers anyhow. Start by clearly defining what success looks like - model those behaviors - reward others based on that framework.
• Allow parents to be their authentic self. Don't make them feel guilty about not attending the offsite team lunch or happy hour. Trust me when I say, they'd often love to attend and are gutted they can't.

I've come to understand that part of our societal challenges regarding inclusion and belonging is that we don't hear enough individual experiences or learnings. Why? They are deeply personal, often embarrassing and still hold an element of insecurity, guilt or shame.

In fact, I've been wanting to write this article for several years now and for whatever reason have paused, saved a draft and only shared with a safe group of close friends for feedback. Typically 50% will say "please publish this, pleaaasssseee!" and the other half say "I hear you. You CANNOT publish that."

I'm thrilled to say that I am currently working for a company that models behaviors that support working parents. So much, in fact, that our CEO and Co-Founders have held their own boundaries and created an extremely safe environment for us parents. Safe enough that I feel confident in finally publishing this.

I am unashamedly a working parent. I'll continue to create awareness, educate, advocate and drive for equity and ultimately the idyllic place of belonging. As a mentor of mine once said "If we don't stick with it and create the change, who will?"

Who's with me?