Unapologetic: 12 Things to Stop Saying Sorry For

Apologizing, generally speaking, is a good thing. It shows that you’re willing to take responsibility for your actions, fix mistakes you’ve made, and that you actually care about how your decisions impact other people (as long as the apology is genuine).

However, many of us spend far too much time apologizing in life for things that don’t actually warrant an apology.

How often do you say “sorry” or “I’m sorry” for something that you don’t truly need to be sorry for?

In this article, we’re going to highlight 12 areas of life where you should (probably) pump the brakes on the knee-jerk apologies. It’s probably your first instinct as a response, but with some intentional and conscious re-wiring, you can save the “sorries” for when you really need them.

1: Having healthy emotional boundaries.

I’ve written quite a few articles about having healthy emotional boundaries, and the general gist of them is that you should have a clear vision of the types of treatment that you accept (and don’t) from other people, but also from yourself.

I believe that one of the biggest roadblocks to people setting healthy boundaries for themselves is that they don’t want to “offend” other people. They don’t want to risk causing a conflict, or a fight, or push someone away from them.

So…they just…accept whatever treatment comes their way.

Sound familiar?

All this really does is open you up to an unfiltered barrage of other people’s bullshit. It turns you into an open door that anyone can walk through at anytime, and drag their mud-caked shoes across your carpet.

But hey, at least you didn’t cause a conflict, right?

At the end of the day, the truth is that you teach people how to treat you. You decide what you will and won’t accept into your life, and you must have the courage to enforce those boundaries without apology.

People who actually care about you will understand and respect your boundaries.

People who don’t, well…they don’t deserve to be in your life in the first place, do they?

“Losing” people who are dragging you down isn’t actually a loss at all.

2: Having your own?opinion.

We’ve all said it before:

“I’m sorry, but I see it differently.”

Oh, why, pray tell, are you sorry that you see it differently?

Why are you sorry that you’ve got your own viewpoint on a topic?

Why are you sorry that you think in a way that’s different than someone else?

By saying this, you’re immediately robbing yourself of your personal power and authority. You’re making an automatic statement that the person you’re talking to must be right and by disagreeing, you’re doing some sort of disservice to them or levying an offense onto them.

Of course, this is assuming that you’re not actually being an asshole, in which case an apology is likely warranted.

You get my point, though?—?having your opinions and viewpoints isn’t something that should be apologized for. The most confident people, the world’s best leaders, the happiest, most fulfilled, and most thriving among us have earned their place in life by standing up and expressing their thoughts and opinions with full confidence.

They didn’t apologize for their opinions, they held them with full conviction and belief because they’re a reflection of our values and identity.

3: Declining plans/protecting your?time.

In my past life when I was what could be considered a “people pleaser,” a quality shared by many of my private clients, I always felt the need or obligation to say yes to everyone and everything.

The route of this is usually a thought process that convinces us of the falsehood that turning down a single invitation would destroy our relationship with the person inviting us.

They’ll never call us again.

They’ll think we’re stuck up.

They’ll think we despise them.

They’ll…*gasp*…begin to despise us.

Of course, none of this is true, but a people pleaser is driven by the extreme need to make everyone else happy at all times, even if it means sacrificing their own happiness in the process.

Sometimes, you just have to say “thanks, but no thanks.”

You should be deciding how you spend your valuable and finite time?—?not anyone else.

4: Asking for further explanation.

“Sure, sure, I totally get it. That makes sense.”

No, you don’t…and no, it doesn’t.

And that’s okay.

It’s okay to ask someone to clarify a point, an idea, or a description of what they need?—?for some reason, we’ve all developed this habit of pretending like we understand every single thing the first time we ever hear it, even if it’s being poorly explained or laid out for us.

I think the root of this one is two-fold:

First, we don’t want to appear as less intelligent than we are, or that we’re missing a point that should be obvious to us.

Secondly, we don’t want the other person to feel silly, or that they’re doing a poor job explaining something…or, heaven forbid, that what they’re saying doesn’t actually make sense.

So, we just…roll with it.

The problem here is that we end up leaving confused and uncertain of what was just said, and we’ll probably need to go back and clarify at one point or another in the first place, except now it’s going to be even more awkward admitting that you never grasped it to begin with.

5: Taking a?break.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but you’re not a machine, and even if you were, machines still need maintenance.

You’re not meant to, nor should you, operate at full throttle all the time without taking any breaks.

Our society, though (particularly true for my American friends reading this) has convinced us that we always need to be moving. Busy. Productive. Awake. “On.” Working. Hustling.

Otherwise…what are you even doing?

Naturally, then, there’s a sneaking feeling of guilt when we stop to take a breather. A mental health day. Spending a day in bed (ahem, unless you have kids). A takeout and Netflix night on the couch.

Life is about balance, and in order to maintain that balance, we must allow ourselves the time to recharge as well.

Nothing…nothing continues working at full tilt permanently. Everything needs to be recharged, to refuel, to slow down, to tag in a teammate.

“James, I can’t take a break. My family needs me. My goals are too big to slow down.”

Listen, friend…What your family needs more than anything is your love and presence. They need you to be healthy, connected, and fully in the moment.

Big goals are also great. Amazing. Necessary, even?—?but even people climbing Everest stop to rest.

You stop, rest, recover, and come back even stronger the next day. Pushing through mental or physical fatigue only brings you so far, and then you’re past the point of diminishing returns.

If you’re burned out, irritable, stressed, and exhausted?—?you’ll be no good to anyone, least of all yourself.

Show your loved ones (and your goals) that you’re serious about them by making sure you create a balance?—?and then go back out and get after it again.

6: Your emotions and feelings.

Never let anyone make you feel like your emotions and feelings are invalid.

Not a single person on this planet will ever understand how you are feeling in the moment other than yourself.

They can empathize, they can understand logically, they can imagine it?—?but they’ll never be inside of your mind, experiencing the world through the lens that your life has shaped for you over the decades.

Don’t apologize for having emotions. Don’t apologize for having feelings. Definitely don’t apologize for expressing them, and don’t let anyone make you feel like they’re invalid just because they’re yours, or that they’re misunderstood by others.

7: Letting the call go to voicemail.

I read a concept about phone calls a long time ago that really stuck with me.

Those of us who grew up using the phone to…get this?—?make phone calls may consider this a bit absurd, but I think there’s something to it…

The concept is that calling someone on the phone without warning is making the assertion that the reason for your call is more important than whatever they’re doing at the time.

Mind. Blown.

Think about it, though?—?you’re expecting them to pick up, otherwise you wouldn’t be calling. For them to pick up, they need to have the free time to engage in conversation, so unless you text first and make sure they’re available, how is one to know what they’re up to?

If you are on the receiving end of the phone call and are feeling burned out, mentally drained, overwhelmed, overstimulated, or just that you’re not in the mood to talk?—?then let it go to voicemail.

Sure, send a text. Let them know that you’re tied up at the moment and can get back to them later. Ask what’s up, see if it’s an emergency…but don’t apologize just because things you were already doing prevented you from picking up the phone. Nobody has an all-access pass to you.

8: Outgrowing people.

This…this is a tough one.

It’s a tough one because the people you outgrow in your life might be your friends. They might even be your family. Hell, they might even be a partner or a spouse.

The alternative, though, is holding yourself back and continuing to play small just to keep them in your life.

To, effectively, accept their limitations, their small goals, their refusal to grow…as your own.

Do we want to leave people behind in life? No, obviously not.

Do we want to hurt feelings? No, obviously not.

Do we want to face the reality that many people around us will leave their full potential on the table and only operate at half-throttle for their entire lives?

No, obviously not.

Is it, however, the truth of reality? Yes it is.

Does this mean that we must continue growing even if it means leaving them behind? Yes, it does.

I don’t believe you should apologize for bettering yourself. For adopting new habits and mindsets. For seeking more in the world. Pursuing growth. Gaining skills. Advancing your position in life, in society, in your career.

Let’s be clear?—?I am not at all saying that you should insult people, or intentionally dismiss them, or cut them off (unless they’re harmful, toxic, or abusive towards you).

The process of outgrowing others is often slow and gradual. We start spending less time together, noticing we have less in common, less to talk about, different interests and social circles…

You’ll find your tribe as you navigate the roads of life, and you should never apologize for seeking to be around the people who are on the same path that you are.

9: Refusing to settle for less than you?deserve.

This goes for any area of life.

If you’re leaving a relationship because the person doesn’t treat you right, or is abusive towards you, or toxic, or simply isn’t compatible with you…it’s not a reason to apologize.

If they’re a good person and it’s simply not working out, sure, that’s tough, and you can feel bad for hurting their feelings or breaking their heart…but it’s very important to remember that you’re not doing something wrong in the process.

If you must apologize for hurting them, apologize for the pain they feel?—?not for you doing what’s best for you.

The only people who’d make you feel guilty for refusing to settle for less than you deserve are the people who were hoping you’d continue doing so, so they could continue keeping you under their thumb.

People who truly care about you want to see you living the most vibrant and thriving life that you can, and they’ll never expect an apology for you cutting away the anchors that are preventing it.

10: Other people’s?actions.

“Oh, I’m sorry about him, that’s just how he is.”

Is “he” your child?

Is “he” your pet?

Or is “he” a grown adult who’s responsible for his own actions and behaviors?

You are responsible for you, and they are responsible for them.

If you find yourself consistently surrounded by people whose behavior you’re compelled to apologize for, it may be time to start asking why you’re still surrounded by these people.

11: Moving at your own?pace.

Be it in life or in love, there is no rulebook.

There is no blueprint.

There is no “right time” to do something?—?only the time that’s “right” for YOU.

(Sure, if you want to have kids, timing is important in many ways), but you get what I’m saying.

If you’re not married by 30, that’s cool.

If you’re not a homeowner by 40?—?or 50, that’s cool.

If you don’t want to have kids, ever, that’s cool.

If you want to sell everything you own and go live on an island, hey, that’s cool!

Moving at your pace and doing what’s right for you is not something to apologize for. It’s something to explore, determine, and embrace.

Then, you’ll be able to find the people who share in your values and philosophies so you can mosey, or race, along the road of life with them.

This is especially important to remember if you’ve got friends or family members who pressure you into things you’re not ready for. A relationship, a career move, finishing your degree?—?whatever it may be?—?it’s your life, not anyone else’s.

12: Living as YOUR most authentic and genuine?self.

What is it that stops most people from living the life that they are fully capable of?

What is it that keeps most people peering out from behind the glass of their own perceived limitations?

What is it that keeps most people stuck?

It’s a lack of clarity, a lack of confidence, a lack of courage that’s required to define who they really are, who they want to become, and then take action in order to create that version of themselves.

That person?—?the higher version of you?—?is capable of building the life that you want to live.

They have the mindsets, the routines, the habits, the skills, the relationships that are all necessary to build that reality.

It’s not about what you do…hell, it’s not even about why you do it?—?because none of that matters if you don’t focus on who you need to become in order to execute.

Never apologize for being who you’re capable of being.

Never apologize for being authentic.

Never apologize for being honest.

Never apologize for speaking the truth.

Never apologize for carving your own path…for at the end of the day…that’s the only path that will bring you where you’re meant to go.

• My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.