THE ULTIMATE WHAT-TO-DO WITH A BLANK PAGE

Read every day–don’t start until you finish your morning reading. I was reading Palahniuk this morning, which might be a hint where this is going. Bathroom break. Replenish coffee. Turn on computer. Open blank page.

Sit. Stay there until magic appears.

Fill in the blank.

Making a list is always a good starter.

1. How to write a blog post every week? When nothing has changed since last week. Hmm?
2. You did piss the wife off this morning.
3. Same as the week before so that doesn’t work.
4. Whose fault was it this time?
5. Yours- You snapped back at her when she started on about doing things for others but not her.
6. You shouldn’t have snapped.
7. You’re tired of it.
8. Does it matter? She doesn’t see what you are talking about.
9. Does matter.
10. Does not.
11. You had a right to snap.
12. It wasn’t a snap but a reflex response.
13. So, is it revulsion?
14. No, it was not revulsion.
15. Okay, maybe, tired of being the bad guy every time.
16. Met fire with fire.
17. Shouldn’t have been water on fire?
18. Hers-
19. Never seems to matter, she’s still pissed.
20. You could have been sweeter.
21. Being sweet all the time, regardless of what you were enduring got you into this fix. She is pre-programmed now.
22. You’re screwed.
23. No, I am not.
24. Oh, yeah.
25. She said you made her this way, coddling her, and making her life easy.
26. Does it matter?
27. Nope
28. Still in trouble
29. Still your fault.
30. Done with the coddling, I am too busy to do my stuff and everyone else’s.
31. Too little time
32. So many tasks
33. Finish details and trim-work in this house.
34. See 1,a,ii,2,c,i above
35. See 1,a,ii,2,c,ii above
36. Rental properties
37. Ditto
38. Ditto
39. Lawncare
40. Only spring and summer-Thank God.
41. Have her do it, she can ride the lawn tractor.
42. Tried, not working well.
43. Give up.
44. Hire a service.
45. Another cost.
46. Find more money.
47. Write bestseller.
48. Forget sleeping ever.
49. Manuscript
50. You didn’t have to be writer
51. Nope.
52. But am.
53. So screwed again, see 1,a,ii,2,a, ii, 1.
54. Advertise first book, Armor of Glass.
55. Blog post.
56. Witty Twitter feeds.
57. Find more followers.
58. Local rental inspections due.
59. Workout?
60. Find that perfect editor.
61. Finish going through the shitty draft another time before you send it to the perfect editor by the end of this week.
62. Or next?
63. Or the following, at which time, you look like you didn’t have your shit together.
64. Find the money to pay that perfect editor.
65. Sign-up for another credit card.
66. Find blood bank.
67. Male prostitute?
68. Sign-up for more conferences
69. WDC Conference, NYC, August
70. KillerNashville, two days after you get back from NYC
71. Latch onto more agents to pitch.
72. Send material to the ones you pitched to two weeks ago at Thrillerfest17.
73. Who else did you piss off?
74. You pissed off your mother because you didn’t immediately stop what you were doing and fix the leak in her ceiling.
75. In your defense though, it was still raining.
76. You remembered you had to find and sign an editor for the draft of your manuscript.
77. Do you have to go through that again?
78. On.
79. And on.
80. Another week will pass and you have to do another blog post.
81. Don’t forget you were late last week.
82. We are going in circles.
83. Welcome to KillerMyWorld.
84. You did mow the lawn
85. Same as last week.
86. Stop, we can’t handle this.
87. How NOT to start a Blog post?
88. You are a great writer.
89. You suck as a husband and a son.
90. Be glad you don’t have kids, you could suck at being a parent, too.
91. You do have kids?
92. See 1,a,ii,2,c,ii,1-16 and quadruple.
93. They say you don’t come see them enough.
94. You don’t know what a vacation looks like.
95. You have to agree.
96. You don’t have kids.
97. You’re blessed with too much time.
98. Or not?
99. Welcome to the writers’ world!

 New blog post title developed in exquisite detail of analysis using the Spears’–Read, Shit, Coffee, Sit, Shit-on-Paper Method–Otherwise known as the RSCS SOP–

THE ULTIMATE HOW-TO-SUCK-AT-EVERYTHING AND BE A GREAT WRITER BLOG!