The Ultimate Ego Hack - Do the opposite

One of my favourite exercises as a new coach in the late 90s was my Alma Mater CoachU’s ‘NeedLess assessment’. The exercise included 100+ words relating to ego needs we all have to a greater or lesser extent. They’d grouped these words into 20 need sub-sets:

• Be accepted
• To accomplish
• Be acknowledged
• Be loved
• Be right
• Be cared for
• Certainty
• Be comfortable
• Communicate
• Control
• Be needed
• Duty
• Be free
• Honesty
• Order
• Peace
• Power
• Recognition
• Safety
• Prove self

We develop these ego needs in our formative years as a way of feeling safe. Our needs therefore often reflect what we observed growing up, what we lacked or what we had an abundance of.

Our ego needs sit quietly in our subconscious, becoming the unquestioned lens through which we experience the world, and the trigger for how we cope with it.

Ego needs, like physical needs, only affect us when unmet… and when unmet they drive us. Think of how you feel when you desperately need the toilet and you’ll understand the power of an unmet need to drive emotion, thought and behaviour.

Here’s the kicker though, often the behaviours we’ve developed to get our ego needs met have the exact opposite result - and net us more of what we don’t want. Think of a teacher desperate for a child to like them (need for approval)... their need will drive them to overcompensate, avoid difficult conversations, avoid putting boundaries in place. They’re so driven by their own unmet need that they can’t actually meet the needs of the children they’re teaching. In my case, it was a very sweet chemistry teacher in high-school and good heaven we gave her hell. Upshot we didn’t learn anything, she didn’t get her approval - classic lose-lose.

Similarly a leader with an unmet need for control, who ends up micro-managing and criticising so much. that their team don’t end up involving them in or telling them anything.

For many years I coached clients to come up with tactics to get their needs met in healthy ways so they didn’t splash out all over them, their team and their families. For example, if your approval-seeking need has to you it's grasp ahead of an important presentation or meeting, call a friend and ask them to tell you 10 great things about you. Or, if your need for control is proving unhelpful at work, go get the need met elsewhere (sort out your personal finances or re-organise your tool-shed for example).

I still think this is helpful, but it’s a bit of a sticking plaster and doesn’t actually get to the core of the problem or challenge. At their core all ego needs are based on fear… and unless you’re being chased by a sabre tooth tiger… fear is a pretty unhelpful motivator/lens. It’s also very very often completely misplaced. You really won’t die if that CEO doesn’t like you… or that team member has an argument… or you give up trying to control every aspect of your team's performance. 

I’ve spent the last 2 years trying a much simpler hack, based on the idea that needs driven behaviour is fear-driven behaviour. The hack is simply to do the opposite. Flip your response and do what you would do if you were coming from quiet, calm confidence, not insidious unhelpful fear.

This isn’t a Pollyanna exercise in fake it till you make it. It’s an exercise that requires real dedication and bravery… but the results are fast and powerful. You start to see straight away that many of your fears are unfounded and, perversely, your ego needs get met when you’re not being driven by them.

Today’s Leadership Experiment

From the list above identify the 3 core ego needs which you think have the most negative impact on your emotional well-being and your ability to lead.

For each, write what you normally do when that need is unmet. For example - when I have an unmet need for approval I self-isolate OR I start trying to make people laugh. 

Do the opposite. Simple… not easy… but super effective. So for example:

• if you normally respond by self-isolating… call a friend/go out
• if you normally respond by thinking negative thoughts… write a list of 10 things you’re grateful for 
• if you normally talk too much and try to make people laugh... get quiet, be genuinely curious and really listen
• if you normally try to solve the problem yourself... ask for help

Have fun and let me know what you discover.