The Ugly Truth

This year has broken me. I am broken.

It’s nothing to do with Covid.

I got divorced and lost two jobs. I feel like such a loser.

I think it’s time I started speaking honestly about it, and its time I tried to stop looking like I’m succeeding on social media.???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I thought that portraying an image of doing well and conquering the world would make me look successful; hireable, worthy of being hired.

The truth is that there is a really ugly state of affairs, not just in the world, but in businesses, and I think it’s high time I bring the situation to light. I haven’t seen a single post like what is to follow on LinkedIn, and I know that’s because other people are hiding too.

We are hiding in the shame of being broke, feeling undeserving, and not knowing what else to do. Trying to persevere every day while juggling phone calls to bill collectors is EXHAUSTING.

I am fairly responsible with money. I always pay my bills right away when I am paid. That’s when I have a check coming in. I had some savings, but as I was unemployed for 6 months, I used my savings to live.

I am 42. My Dad passed from cancer in 2012. This has been the saddest and hardest year of my life since them. My Mother paid his cancer bill off in the US and is now broke. When I was employed, I sent her money monthly. I have no one else to turn to or rely on financially.

I got divorced in June but have been in my flat with my six pets and all our bills since last November, so life now costs me twice as much. I would have moved to a cheaper flat, but I can’t afford a deposit at the moment. Food is more expensive and energy bills are going up.

So, how did this seemingly successful, confident and capable overachiever who earned?a Master’s Degree in Communication by the age of 23 lose two jobs in one year? By being honest.

In one role, I reported a manager who was blatantly lying about things in emails. I had written proof. HR pushed me out of the company. Strange, as I had helped this company get to their highest membership in three years DURING Covid. As I was pushed me out, HR said I had been a “breath of fresh air”. My performance evaluation was excellent. Odd.

In another company, when I asked for more money because I pointed out all that I was doing for the business and the salary was low, I was told that they “valued my honesty” and I was “fabulous”, they were “just looking for a sales person.”

I don’t know where to begin. I still don’t understand exactly what happened in either situation. What I do know is: 1. I was performing my job well 2. I was dismissed 3. I feel incredibly under valued.

Now here I am, job hunting again, with ZERO confidence.

I am also broke. I desperately need a haircut. I am on the phone daily with Universal Credit, the City Council, and bill collectors. I rang some in advance, trying to be responsible, letting them know I wouldn’t be able to pay this month. I was told to ring back AFTER I had missed a payment, because that’s the only time they can do something. So, HUMILIATED as a normally responsible human, I have to call these companies twice to reinforce how broke I am.

Because losing two jobs, getting divorced, and apparently being unemployable isn’t disgraceful enough. Needless to say, I’ve been under a lot of stress, have an autoimmune condition, and my health has been suffering as well.

Thank you to everyone who has listened, offered to connect me to a contact, or who has offered to help in some way. I am grateful to have a wonderful support system, and I want you to know how much I appreciate you and your efforts.

Here is the irony of the whole situation, at least to me. I have a Master’s degree in Communication, and over 20 years work experience. I was a professor in the States. I’ve worked in Marketing, Sales, Advertising, Education, PR, and for non profit organisations. I speak multiple languages. I model as a side gig. I’ve been in commercials. I’m a talented public speaker, writer, relationship builder and communicator. I’ve worked for Scottish Parliament. I’ve volunteered in the Aberdeen community for 5 and a half years. I have 6 rescue pets.

I am educated, experienced, outgoing, and talented. I’ve sent out THOUSANDS of CVs, and, yes, I’ve edited and re-edited multiple times.

Am I underqualified? Over qualified? I have no idea.

I have gaps in my CV. I am honest about them if asked. I’ve had health problems- I’m human, and other times, I was moving to better roles to make a higher salary, which I think is a logical decision.

Here are the things I don’t understand:

• Why don’t companies value employees that perform well?
• Why are there still toxic cultures and why is leadership and HR protecting these pervading problems?
• Why are people (not just myself) with education and a skill set and a ton of motivation not being hired?
• Why is a system set up by the government and funded by people who pay taxes so difficult to navigate?
• Why is no one else talking about this? Are we embarrassed? Ashamed? Putting on a brave face?

I’m not doing that anymore. I’m exhausted, humiliated, and drained. I cry every day. I have done for months now. I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay and that the state of the working world is ok.

I’m not asking for help or handouts. I just know that there are others going through similar situations, and if reading this helps them not feel alone, that will have made this worth it.

I’m not keeping secrets anymore to cover up for anyone or anything. I hope you won’t either.