The Tyranny of the Shoulds

Don’t let expectations control your life and career

Through your career, it can feel like you’re constantly walking a tightrope. You’re balancing ambition, steep learning curves, and the pressure to make all the “right” choices—while trying to prove yourself in an increasingly competitive world. It’s exciting, but it’s also overwhelming. There’s a relentless sense that time is slipping away and a constant pressure that says you should be doing more.

There’s a phrase that perfectly captures this feeling: “the tyranny of the shoulds”.

“You should have your career plan all figured out.”

“You should be managing a bigger team.”

“You should be making more money than your friends.”

“You should have a fancier title.”

These “shoulds” often come in the guise of helpful advice, but in reality, they can become heavy burdens, weighing you down rather than lifting you up. And they don’t just come from your bosses, colleagues, family or the business moguls you follow online—sometimes, they come from your own mind. You end up constantly measuring yourself against these unreachable standards, which is where the trouble begins.

So, what exactly is this “tyranny of the shoulds”, and how does it affect you? This week, let’s break down how the “shoulds” can limit your career—and more importantly, how to shake them off.

A phrase coined by psychoanalyst Karen Horney, “the tyranny of the shoulds” describes the pressure we feel to live up to an idealized version of ourselves, often based on what others expect from us—or what we think they expect from us. The “shoulds” are like little commands running through our heads, telling us how to behave, succeed or achieve. This relentless checklist creates a cycle of unrealistic expectations that are nearly impossible to meet.

When the “shoulds” take over our lives, they become a source of immense stress as well as feelings of shame, inadequacy, self-doubt and anger. Our inner critic gets louder and more insistent:

“I should be smarter, more outgoing, more productive.”

“I should be more like my friend; she’s doing so well.”

“I shouldn’t waste any time. I’ll never catch up.”

Instead of taking pride and joy in our accomplishments, we remain laser-focused on what we haven’t achieved, on what is yet to be done. If only we can tick off all the “shoulds”, in the right order and at the right time, then we think we will crack the code to success and happiness, right? Well, not quite. In her Psychology Today article, Dr. Katharine Brooks explains the irrational thinking behind the rule of the “shoulds”:

A should represents a sort of bargain with ourselves and with the world. If I behave in a certain way then things will work out well…then life will go more smoothly. Until, of course, it doesn’t. Because the bargain isn’t necessarily based on reality or the truth… The bargain is likely based on something someone told you or a form of magical thinking you created to feel better in a situation.

The truth is there’s no one-size-fits-all blueprint that will guarantee a great career—or a great life, for that matter. Getting trapped in a rigid succession of “shoulds” can take you away from exciting possibilities and inspiring detours, which could prove far more fulfilling and rewarding than a cookie-cutter version of success.

The source of the “shoulds”

At their core, the “shoulds” represent a clash between who you really are and who you think you?ought?to be. They typically arise from the following:

• Internal expectations. You set very high personal standards driven by perfectionism or the fear of falling short. Your inner critic keeps comparing you to an unreachable ideal self, making you feel inadequate no matter what you achieve.
• External pressures. Everyone in your life has their own idea of what success looks like. For your family, it might mean becoming a doctor, engineer or lawyer. For your friends, it may mean a fancy title and office. For society, it could simply be making lots of money fast. These expectations become the checkpoints for you to gauge your own success.
• Social media comparisons. Social media puts the spotlight on everyone’s “best life”, making it seem like all your peers are nailing their careers while you’re still figuring things out. This adds to the pressure to keep up. What’s more, popular influencers rattle off their own “simple” metrics for success: do X by this time, buy Y by this age, etc.
• Industry norms. Depending on your field, there may be unwritten rules about the pathway to success. Maybe it’s rising through the ranks quickly, working long hours or constantly innovating. These norms can feel rigid and restrictive.

The problem isn’t about aiming high or having goals—those are good things, essential for thriving at work. The problem is that the “shoulds” often set impossible benchmarks that don’t match who you are or what you want, creating a mental tug-of-war that leaves you feeling stuck and unfulfilled.

The weight of parental and societal pressure

For many of us, the “shoulds” start long before we enter the workforce. Parents, relatives, neighbours and society in general shape our notions of worth and success. Sometimes, these pressures come from a place of love, but they can feel overwhelming and at odds with our real self.

Young people often face the weight of family expectations. Maybe it’s about getting into the right college, getting a stable job or earning more than your peers. While usually well-intentioned, these expectations can trap you into pursuing paths that don’t align with your passions or strengths.

Society also imposes its own set of rules for success, like landing a high-paying job, holding an impressive title or following a straight, upward career trajectory. A fear of log kya kahenge? (what will people say?) exerts additional pressure to stick to the socially approved track.

Career pressure at every stage

At every stage of your career, the “shoulds” can cast a long shadow over your decisions. Whether you’re a fresh graduate, a mid-career professional, or even an established leader, these invisible pressures push you toward the “perfect” next step, the “ideal” role, or the “right” timing.

But here’s the truth: careers aren’t linear. The “shoulds” make you obsess over moving up quickly and hitting every milestone at a certain time. This leads to stress, burnout, and sometimes makes you miss out on opportunities for exploration and growth. Even seasoned professionals can find themselves feeling unfulfilled if they’ve spent too long chasing someone else’s definition of success.

Break free from the “shoulds”

We can’t entirely escape the “shoulds” in life—but we can certainly manage them so they don’t control our career choices. Here are five suggestions for you to consider:

1. Tune in to your real self.

Step back from your idealized self-image and start becoming aware of who you really are. Take the time to understand your strengths, values and passions. Ask yourself: What am I naturally good at? What brings me joy? What values are close to my heart? Knowing yourself will allow you to lean into roles and projects that fit you—instead of forcing yourself into ones that don’t.

2. Filter the advice you get.

No matter how well-meaning it may be, not all advice is good advice. Listen to counsel and feedback, especially from people you trust and hold in high regard, but also develop the skill to know what’s useful and what isn’t. Consider the source and intention behind the advice. Assess whether the “should” aligns with your personal priorities. If it doesn’t, let it go.

3. Build inner strength.

Resisting the “shoulds” takes confidence and yes, even courage, especially if your choices are unconventional. Foster self-belief slowly, one decision at a time. Start by setting small boundaries and taking small steps that honour your chosen path. Every time you act in alignment with your real self, you fortify your confidence.

4. Change the language.

Reframe the way you talk about your goals and milestones. Instead of saying “I should”, say “I want to”. It’s not a rule that’s being enforced—it’s your choice. If saying “I want to” sounds wrong, then maybe the goal is out of sync with your personal wishes. Try it out. Say “I should get a promotion” versus “I want to get a promotion”. You can hear the difference, right?

5. Define success on your terms.

What does a great career mean to you? Is it about impact, creativity, legacy or something else? How important are factors like values alignment, work-life balance, working with people you like? Instead of following the generic playbook, outline your own vision of success. With this clarity, you can confidently follow your own path.

The “shoulds” will always be there, but they don’t have to control your life or career. Remember: your career is not about meeting everyone’s expectations. It’s about learning, growing, and discovering what truly matters to you—at every stage.

The only “should” that counts is this: you should build a career that reflects your true self. Let go of the rest and give yourself permission to explore your own journey. Success isn’t about ticking off every box on someone else’s checklist. It’s about staying true to yourself and finding fulfilment on your terms.