Two Years, One Business and a Blip!

Gary Neville says failure is a bruise not a tattoo, I have had a few bruises over the past two years but maybe not in the way I had envisaged. Writing a piece like this is certainly uncharacteristic; like many men I have always kept my cards fairly close to my chest, never really feeling the need to share and certainly not as openly as this. In a bid to practice what I preach, here I am offering a slightly different perspective on the trials and tribulations of recent times.

It isn't any secret that setting up your own business is an all-encompassing task. It has been exceptionally challenging, rewarding, enjoyable and unenjoyable in fairly equal measure. The move has taught me an immense amount professionally but probably more importantly personally, so it feels right to share this. I’m not 100% certain on the purpose; it may help others, maybe it helps me, but hopefully it helps someone. I would like to caveat early that I am historically probably slightly cynical when it comes to people posting things like this. My major fear is that it comes across as attention seeking – apologies in advance if that is the case, it is certainly not my intention.

Starting my own business in the entertainment space was a long held ambition, I trusted we had a unique proposition to offer and it was a time of great excitement. Internally I believed in the old adage, ‘you get out what you put in’. If I worked hard enough, and maintained a single minded focus, then it wouldn't fail. There wasn’t really an alternative in my mind, it had to be successful as I’d invested significant amounts of my personal money into it, along with leaving the security that an end of the month pay cheque provides.

As everyone does starting their own business, I placed substantial pressure on myself. Outwardly I would rarely give an impression of any apprehension, but of course, like anyone, I was aware of it. The pressure was a constant but nothing I didn't expect nor want and it became a normal feeling. Naturally this tension escaped in other ways with petty arguments and the likes – all these things just felt ordinary and part of the process.

Setting up just before Covid did bring its own additional difficulties, the business plan had to shift and working from home was now the norm. Like for many this was great at first, the sun was shining and forever the dreamer (not the best tanner!) I tried to build an exquisite tan alongside a business - overall I was enjoying the new challenge. 

In the summer of 2020 my friend Joe committed suicide. It was incomprehensible. We were supposed to be playing football together that night and had seen each other the week prior, he was in great form, it just made no sense. Anyone who knew Joe would testify to the fact he was quite literally the last person you’d think would do that. I know this is a common line when dreadful things like this happen, but it is true and I still can't fully compute it. Some of my favourite stories are from times spent with him and I look back on this period with immense sadness, confusion and disappointment. What a man he was.

Quietly, I reminisced a lot about what had happened. I didn’t really share it with anyone, occasionally having the odd conversation with someone very close to me but never in too much depth. The reasons he committed suicide will likely be forever unknown, there is a feeling that it may have been because he wasn’t completely satisfied with his place in life at the time. I consider this to be really common in young men, more common than many possibly believe and certainly a feeling that I can relate to from a relatively early age. If only he could see how well he was really doing. 

A need for 'success' weighs heavy on many people. Achieving, testing yourself and personal goals are all really important factors of life and happiness I believe. They are all things that provide people with purpose. However, it is also easy to place too much emphasis on these commonly transient goals at the expense of often more important components to your own personal happiness. This is a trap I have unwittingly fallen into for long periods over the past two years. An unwavering desire and tunnel vision to establish a business I'm proud of, but why and to what cost?

My view is the biggest motivator in life is failure and insecurities; everyone has them but they affect different people in different ways. I have always been very focussed on the things I want to achieve but I've never looked into the 'why' until recently. My first perceived failure came very early on in life, it was not becoming a professional footballer. The reality is that most don't but for many years I truly believed I would beat the odds. I won't ever be someone looking back saying 'I was good enough but got unlucky'! Nevertheless that rejection at a young age along with the fear of not reaching your potential in life does remain with you. For me it built a burning desire to succeed in other areas. It isn't the only factor, but alongside other underlying motivators that I now understand, has undoubtedly contributed significantly to my mindset.

ONE was my chance to rewrite the book, personal redemption if you like, go from a 'failed footballer' to a 'successful' business owner and (I guess) enjoy the adulation that comes with that. You are told in books and podcasts that to make your own business a success it has to be your everything. This is something I definitely took heed of, not that I probably needed telling! A single minded ambition, competitive spirit and will to make it work led to an inability to forget about business. However that stubborn approach, coupled with factors like reduced quality of sleep and a daily overload of information cultivates its own issues, unquestionably leading to me losing the all-important balance in my life. At this moment I couldn’t see too much beyond the company.

Outwardly I was still the same, but it was a set of emotions that were exceptionally complex and difficult to make sense of. Although I was feeling it a little, I would still have a good time with friends and family, have a beer and enjoy myself. In fact Saturday nights became an opportunity to forget work and I probably went bigger than ever - poor liver! 

Fast forward to the middle of this year and I had a panic attack for the first time in my life. I was asleep and woke up choking, I then quickly spiralled and thought I was having a heart attack, thankfully my housemate woke up and reassured me that I wasn’t dead - massive win! It did start to make me reflect on everything, I have always been someone that has looked forwards but honestly this scared me a bit. Panic attacks aren’t uncommon, but I had gone 29 years without one, so why now? I began to recognise that the last few years were catching up with me, that constant pressure I placed on, long days, personal mistakes due in part to work, drive to keep progressing and no real down time (even when I wasn't working it was in my head) was not sustainable for anyone and clearly affecting me. 

There was a lot going on and I persisted. Like anyone, I'd had low moments before but always worked through them quickly myself. This was slightly different though as there was a visible effect and I was increasingly conscious that I wasn’t getting the balance right, something that I had never properly respected before. I became introspective and quite self-critical at this time - most of this was a fair critique and needed in my view! I established the areas I wanted to make personal improvements moving forward but still probably didn't understand the reasons behind my feelings. This is the moment I should have spoken outwardly more.

A realisation was this Summer when I went for a day at Lords with my old man. We had it in the diary for ages and he was looking forward to it massively. Father and Son enjoying themselves at the Cricket, it does sound like a decent day in principle, and with his particular penchant for red wine we would always have a laugh. We sat down for lunch but work was bonkers and my mind was all over the place. He pointed out his concerns at the table, I was quite defensive but I knew he was right and it made things more real. Again, I just cracked on.

Unfortunately recently it all unravelled in a moment. The pressure I'd placed on myself for such a sustained period, loneliness of doing your own thing (even though I wasn’t actually lonely), some incomprehensible life events, self-critique and disappointment at some personal decisions all boiled over and poured out of me. I won't dress it up, it was the lowest moment of my life and the emotions at that time remain indescribable. It was like nothing I had experienced before, a completely alien set of feelings that were not in keeping with my personality and incredibly uncomfortable. The days were slow and sleep became impossible - I did now choose to speak to family, friends and even a therapist. 

Thankfully opening up helped me make sense of things and bounce back from that genuine low relatively quickly. It is a period I reminisce on as being the most valuable experience of my life, even if it was wholly unenjoyable at the time! It's painfully cliché but it is also true that you learn the most from the difficult spells, this phase has certainly taught me more than any other. It has provided a greater understanding of the importance of balance and how this balance can benefit all aspects of your personal and professional life without exception. It has highlighted that the traits that may make us successful in some areas can be detrimental in others and an active awareness / understanding of this will hopefully be incredibly beneficial to me moving forward. What really matters becomes apparent when we are low or in a difficult position - I was guilty for a long period of taking much of what mattered to me for granted - I won’t again!

This was hopefully a short term setback, something I will learn from, be better for, and with any luck not experience again. Everybody on this planet can find themselves in a bad place and that can be for a multitude of reasons. I wouldn’t want to compare my relatively short difficult phase with anyone else’s experiences, including those of some of my closest mates. What it has done though is gifted a better understanding and awareness of what so many people are going through and the importance of acknowledging these feelings openly. Sadly my own friendship group understand the consequences of not talking far too well.

I don't quite know how to finish this which I guess speaks volumes, there isn't really an ending. Personally I am back to relative normality and as motivated, ambitious and driven as ever for what’s ahead, but I will be approaching it with the learnings of recent times at the front of my mind. I started by saying I wasn't sure of the purpose of writing this; if you take anything from it, opening up was the best decision of my life, it allows you to join the dots that you often can’t by yourself. I was perhaps the last person my family & friends would think might experience a period like that and it is certainly not something I expected of myself. I have never struggled before and hopefully won’t again but I let it get to that stage. That is the point - given the right circumstances it really can be anyone. Talking may seem like the hardest thing at that moment but you really will never be worse off for opening up and I can’t recommend it more to anyone who feels even a little low.

Ask your pals how they are including the ones who look to be loving life. Difficult times can arise for so many different reasons but there is always a solution - just talk. 

Matt x