Two years down, forever to go.

September 29, 2018. My dad & I embarked on what would be our last international trip together to visit his childhood home in Sevilla, Spain. He told me it would be his last, and I told him he was wrong.

September 29, 2019. As usual, he was right. It was a day I will never forget, and it may haunt me forever. I replay the events of the preceeding week over & over, wondering what I should have done differently to prevent the death of my dad.

Therapy & time have taught me there is nothing I could have done to stop it, and in fact, I realize he held on too long, out of obligation to my mom & to me.

September 29, 2020. One very long year, where every day felt like a dark cloud that could spontaneously burst into a torrential downpour hovered over me (I like to think it's his spiritual guilt for not letting me study abroad in the UK; he always knew I'm only happy when it rains). What occcured in the world since he left us is nothing short of unfathomable, and I take comfort that he is not here to see it. I often wonder what his point of view would be, but I also think I know.

September 29, 2021. Another long & unbelievably weird year has passed, and yet now I'm used to that cloud above my head. I almost welcome it because it's a sign he was here, is still here & maybe is watching out for me. If it lifts, where will he be?

And actually, where he will be is really important, as I am finally taking him to Arlington National Cemetery in November, where he rightfully belongs. I hope it will bring me a sense of comfort (not closure) knowing I fulfilled the one thing that he wanted most of all.

What I have really started thinking about lately is who my dad prepared me to be, and that's why this really does tie back to work. I work hard, I push through adversity, I advocate for change when there is a better way. I just keep going because of him. He never gave up. Even in tough times, he only usually had a few moments of doubt before he'd pick himself back up and say things would be ok, somehow. I also realize now most of the time he had no clue, just like the rest of us, but he knew he needed to inspire hope for the rest of us. And he did.

He gave me direction, hence the idea of him being my family's north star. Just the three of us, he was the guiding force behind everything. But since September 29, 2019, I admit I feel lost. I ask him for advice to this day, but all I can hear in my head is "I'm right here...." not any actual advice.

I'd be lying if I said my concentration is normal, lying if I said I don't zone out sometimes replaying funny conversations we had or trips we took, lying if I didn't regret being a hard on him for stupid dad things everyone does. I'd be lying if I said I did not wake up every morning with the reminder that he is gone, and lying if I said I didn't think about him at night when I used to get a "love you, kiddo" up until the very end.

All of this is really just to thank my dad for molding me into the responsible, hard-working person that I am today. I hear his voice sometimes when I refuse to give in; I think about what he'd tell me to do when I'm having a bad day; I laugh when someone thinks their title makes them more important than the rest of us because taught me that everyone has value if they work hard & respect others.

In the last few weeks, I have seen so many posts from people sharing their own grief, unsure whether this is the "right place" to share their experiences. It's both heartbreaking & reassuring that my grief is completely healthy. There are so many things in life that unite us (death being one of them), and yet I hate that we are always so divided. We continually say we need to normalize conversations about grief, about mental health, about stress brought on by caring for an aging parent or chronically ill family member. We also say we're supposed to bring our whole selves to work & to allow the people we spend more (virtual) time with than our friend & loved ones to support us when we need it. But we don't do it, so here I am. Hi, hello, what's up?

Feel free to leave a comment if you can relate.