The two words you need to start that tough conversation

For months, many of us have lived in an uncomfortable state of isolation precisely when we need connection more than ever. And some of the most effective ways to soothe our anxieties and renew our strength are the very things we’ve been told to avoid, like physical touch. Digital connection is just not the same as the real thing. So, we’re alone, but we need to talk. 

To navigate both the pandemic and the unrest over racism in the U.S., we need to broach uncomfortable topics, to challenge ourselves to look deeply at our experiences and the way we interact with the world — whether it’s the politics of wearing a mask or acknowledging our privilege. How do we begin? First, we need the right language.

Alexandra Carter is a professor at Columbia Law School and a negotiation trainer for the United Nations. I spoke with her on LinkedIn’s live show #BusinessUnusual about her new book “Ask for More: 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything.” She offered advice on the traditional business uses of negotiation — getting a higher salary, closing the deal — but what struck me most was the suggestions she had for navigating tricky conversations in your own household during lockdown. She and I touched on the lighter side of this issue — whose turn it is to do the dishes — but her guidance can apply to tougher conversations as well. She recommends starting with two words: “Tell me.” 

“It’s a wonderful, magic conversation opener,” Carter told me. She noted that these two words can reduce defensiveness and help you gather more information. “When you ask a ‘tell me’ question, you open it up so you can discuss whatever is on your mind.” 

Having the right words is a start, but it doesn’t take away all of the other challenges of connecting in this moment. You may know what to say, but where are you saying it from? In front of someone in the flesh or in front of a screen, with your face bathing in artificial blue light? 

As states ease restrictions around gathering in public, physical interaction will become more viable, but many people are staying put, whether working from home or not yet feeling fully confident about traveling. So much communication is still taking place virtually, digitally, robotically, in ways that drain us of energy and strip our messages of nuance and humanity. I’m grateful for the ability to perform much of my work via video call but I am also aware of the different demands it places on me and my colleagues and how it hampers our old ways of connecting and understanding one another. 

Conversation designer Daniel Stillman argues that there are simple ways we can make our virtual connections more productive. He’s the author of “Good Talk: How to Design Conversations that Matter.” In an essay on LinkedIn he describes surprising 14 friends on a video call by breaking them up into a series of smaller conversational groups. Their initial resistance flipped to gratitude by the end of their chat. 

On our struggle with virtual connection, he says: 

We have no rituals in this new place. We’ve had 40,000 years as modern humans to learn how to communicate in person...and we still lose our way sometimes. It’s going to take a while to find our legs.

More from great authors on LinkedIn 

• In an essay based on her book “Saving Face: How to Preserve Dignity and Build Trust” Maya Hu-Chan says many think the concept of “saving face” applies only if you’re trying to make up for an embarrassment. But “in most Asian cultures, the concept of ‘face’ extends to something far deeper. It speaks to a deeper need for dignity and acceptance and the ways we grant dignity to one another.” 
• Harvard Business School professor Frances Frei also appeared on our live show #BusinessUnusual to discuss the recent spate of corporate statements about racial justice with wisdom drawn from her book co-authored with Anne Morriss “Unleashed: The Unapologetic Leader's Guide to Empowering Everyone Around You.”
• Leadership coach and University of Colorado Boulder management professor Stefanie K. Johnson offers a free chapter from her book “Inclusify: The Power of Uniqueness and Belonging to Build Innovative Teams”

Lists you can’t miss 

• Wharton professor Adam Grant regularly shares his top business book picks on LinkedIn. Check out his summer reading list here. Alexandra Carter and Stefanie K. Johnson (above) make appearances.
• Bill Gates shares 5 book picks for summer “if you want to learn more about pandemics or are looking for a distraction.”

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