These Two Words Will Help You Say “No” When You Need To

One of the most common issues I hear from people today is their difficulty saying “NO”. They are overwhelmed, stressed out, overworked (you get the picture).  If you ask me, it’s because many of us have a hard time saying NO. This is especially applicable if you find yourself to be a people pleaser – someone who wants to be liked and to be cared about so much that you will sacrifice your own wants needs and desires.

This is common for us because we are in a service industry and sometimes go beyond our intent to serve by sacrificing too much, leading to feelings of overwhelm and burnout.

If you grew up hearing “If you don't have anything to say, don't say anything at all.” this could have contributed to you not being willing to speak up when you don't agree with something.

Another thing that I grew up with is always having to answer when someone asks a question.  And to answer right at the moment I am asked a question.  After all, that is the polite and right thing to do.   However, I think that has also contributed to a “nice person” syndrome that then puts us in a position where we feel obligated to take on challenges that we do not feel best suited for.

I am not saying that it is right to deflect every request or every communication where you may feel uncomfortable, but what I am saying is that it's important to identify what you currently have on your to do lists and to be present in balancing demands of others with your own personal threshold at that moment.

Say NO gracefully

If you have a difficult time saying NO, you may very well like these two little words:  Respectfully Decline.

These two little words have made a big difference in my ability to say NO.   Try using them when you feel the want to say NO, like if someone says, “Could you serve another year on the board”, or “We would like you to attend the function and spend an additional 4 hours.”, or “Wouldn't it be great if you could help take on two other employees’ workload?”

Some people say that saying “I'm sorry” is a sign of weakness but in this case it's okay for you to say “I'm sorry, I need to Respectfully Decline.”  You will probably still feel guilty. That's natural if you are trying to break out of the people pleasing mantra you have been stuck in for years! Don't apologize for saying “I'm sorry.”

These little words have helped me to be able to say no gracefully. It still keeps my desire to be a polite professional human being intact, yet clearly gets the message out that I am not able to accommodate that person's request. It's something like this:  “I would really like to be able to help you with your board opening, but at this time I am going to need to respectfully decline”. “What I can do is send an email out to 3-4 people to let them know you are looking to fill the position.  Would that help?”

If you know you have a difficult time saying NO, try this exercise by using words Respectfully Decline 3 times this week and see how it helps open up your calendar and relieves your stress level!  

I also highly recommend a book by Leslie Perlow called When You Say Yes But Mean No: How Silencing Conflict Wrecks Relationships and Companies... and What You Can Do About It.