The Two Most Powerful Words Killing Your Confidence Before An Interview (No, it's not LACK EXPERIENCE)

In this leadership letter, you'll discover the two most powerful words you use before an interview that can kill your confidence.

First, to illustrate the point, can you guess which statement below can create a growth mindset?

Statement A: "I should be a Finance Manager by now"

Statement B: "I'll try hard to become a Finance Manager"

Which of these statements absolutely smashes the other in killing your confidence leading up to an interview?

Rather than just tell you the killer statement, let me describe how and why it has hurt many of my coachees, so you know in advance.

When they come to me, they are all deflated, depressed and lost hope because they think they should have been in a specific position and pay level at a certain age.

When expectations are not met, they feel like crap. They think and feel they are not good enough. This expectation is like steam building up inside a pressure cooker.

They project this in their interviews with a lack of self-confidence, resulting in a rejection. This rejection further diminishes their self-worth when they are rejected.

There is nothing wrong with having a high standard of yourself. But, if expectations are unrealistic and you don’t reach your goal, you use the two powerful words; that’s when disappointment, self-criticism, self-loathing, and anxiety build up inside.

From my experience, there is no predefined success path in a career. Every step I made was NOT a step up.

I also said, "I should be a CFO by 40". So, leading up to that point, I made unhealthy choices, sacrificing different things to try and get to a CFO. Along the way, I realised I hate accounting! Finally, I decided I didn't want to be a CFO and felt utterly disappointed with this choice.

The torture I put myself through was unnecessary, unhealthy and unhelpful!

“Should” is such a powerful yet over-burden word. It depends on how you use it. Adding "I" before "Should" can have a devastating impact on self-confidence. Like...

I SHOULD be a Finance Director by now.

I SHOULD be a better manager.

I SHOULD have a team to manage.

I SHOULD be further in my career and earning over $150k.?

I SHOULD NOT have taken this job!

I have used these words thousands, if not millions, of times for the past 40 something years, starting from the beginning. From primary school up to NOW.

My family, friends and peers did the criticising, but the worst person using this word is ME.

When I first started my career as an external auditor, I was talking to myself unkindly:

??????????????I should have been selected for that client.

??????????????I should move in another six months, so I get a pay rise.

??????????????I should not have said this in the partner’s presence.

??????????????I should not have made that mistake (I need to be perfect).

??????????????I should be a Partner by 2011.

??????????????I should be nice to everyone, so they like me.

??????????????I should be clocking more than 40 hours to prove I am hard working.

This started the chapter in my life called “I shoulds”. This chapter continued to my early 40’s, and it’s been a slippery slope, impacting my self-confidence.

Should self-talk is a negative thinking pattern, contributing to your stress, fear and anxiety. How do I know? I have been there.

Have you compared yourself and then started saying, “I should”.

The “I should” talks are preceded by comparing myself to others.

You look at your friends from uni who got the job you wanted. You compare yourself to your colleague who was at the same level and now got a promotion. You compare your house to your friend’s. You compare the car you’re driving to the person who’s driving that Porche you always wanted.

The comparisons go on and on.

After your comparison, you then start the “I should” self-talk.

How do you re-build confidence and escape this cycle?

I know it’s a hard habit to get out of this cycle. It’s taken me the last 25 years to learn to accept myself and that in one’s career, there is no straight line or “Should’s”.

So here I share my top 3 things I did to be comfortable with where I am.

1. Strive for progress, not perfection.

The only person I need to beat each day is ME. I am motivated when I learn and see improvements in myself. Whether that’s doing one additional YouTube video, writing another newsletter or completing another budget. Big or small, I just need to beat myself by a tiny bit.

2. Rather than compare yourself to others, learn what they have and improve your skills

Don’t focus on what you don’t have. Instead, learn from them. Observe why the person is where they are. Understand their journey and how they have upgraded to get to their position. Then, focus on your skillsets and goals. If you are not clear, speak to a coach or someone ahead of you to clarify your path and focus on small steps. For example, learn Power BI, do more public speaking, and learn how to communicate. More importantly, how can I be of value to my manager - do whatever needs to be done to be an impactful team player at work. That's the key question you need to focus on to improve.

3.?Reframe and replace "Should" with "Try" and realistic expectations

Instead of saying, “I should be a Finance Manager by now”, try “I will try to become a Finance Manager". Here is how

1. Understand what my gaps are as a Finance Manager. Do a self-assessment of your skills compared to the Finance Manager job descriptions.
2. Create an action plan to build skills. You don’t want to be relaxed and set soft goals and realistic to achieve. The key is to find a healthy tension point.

Finally, accept that is no straight line in a career, that every step, every role, and every task allows us to grow. That’s part of the growth mindset. Be better than yesterday. That’s the goal.

What advice would I give my younger self…

All the “I should” statements I put on myself were causing unnecessary pressure and expectations. In the end, I only ended up in tears and disappointment.

I realised that there will ALWAYS be someone who will be more intelligent than me, wealthier than me, skinnier than me. I am not competing with anyone.

There are no “should's” in life and work.

It’s complex and ambiguous. I SHOULDN’T live to someone else’s expectations. I have a choice.

Remember, there is only one person you need to beat each day. You.

Yours Sincerely

Alice

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