Two Little Words...

Words...

We use them every day, all day, to communicate with ourselves. 

We refer to this as our internal dialogue or self-talk. 

And just as the way that other people use words to communicate with us is a key factor in how we feel about them, the words that we use inside our own heads determines how we feel about ourselves, and life itself! 

Quite literally, the words we attach to our experience become our experience; words have a biochemical effect on the body. A quick example: The minute you use a word like “devastated,” with emotional intensity, you’re going to produce a very different biochemical effect than if you say, “I’m slightly disappointed,” in a more upbeat tone. 

The problem is that most often we do not choose our words consciously to describe our emotions.

And if we go with the first quick response from our brains, which actually has a negative bias as part of our evolutionary survival mechanism, we may well be restricting how we feel, act, and ultimately, experience life.

In this article, I want to talk about just two little words that most people say to themselves daily, and how these two little words influence our emotional reality…

THE TWO WORDS…

"I have to work."

"I’ve gotta clean the house."

"I need to finish this report."

"I have to take the kids to practice."

"There’s a few jobs I have/need to do, then one day, I’ll get around to doing what I want to do!"

What do all these sentences have in common?

They’re normal, everyday sentences, right.

I’ve definitely said most of these sentences before, and I’m guessing you have to…

The common thread is the words "have to". 

Or words synonymous with the meaning of have to, like need to, got to…

So here’s the salient question:

How do you feel when you "have to" do something?

Try it now: 

I have to go to work tomorrow... 

I have to get up early tomorrow…

Notice how you feel…

When we get pushed to do something, whether it is by someone else or even from ourselves, it is a natural reaction to push back. 

To resist.

Because when you say you have to do something, what you are really saying, even if it is on a subconscious level, is this:

"If I had my way, I would be doing something else.

But I don’t have a choice. I am powerless.

I am not free!"

And when you tell yourself you are powerless, you feel as if you’re being controlled. 

And most people don’t likes to feel controlled. Most people crave freedom…and autonomy…

This is why we often feel varying levels of discomfort when we say these "have to" sentences. 

We may not consciously connect the words to the feeling, but we often feel a negative emotional response, from mild discomfort, to resentment, to self-victimization, even anger and overwhelm at all the things we HAVE TO do.

These emotional responses lead to certain behaviours: withdrawing, complaining, minimal effort, even passive aggressive responses and self-defeating, self-sabotaging comportment. (Self-sabotage often presents actually as a direct consequence of sensing a lack of control, so people try to connect with themselves and will often rebel, even when it is self-defeating, in order to show themselves "how free they are, and how much control they actually have")

But these types of behaviours, despite having a positive intent, paradoxically normally take us away from our desired outcomes, as opposed to bringing us more of what we want in life! Such is the power of 2 little words!

THE SOLUTION…

So we’ve ascertained how many people feel when they tell themselves they "have to" do something…

Salient question number 2: 

How do you feel when you "choose to" do something?

Normally, when people "choose" to do something, there is a sense of ownership and empowerment. 

You are in control and it is your choice.

There is a sense of freedom and autonomy, because you are a willing participant.  

So there is a shift in emotion, depending whether we "have to" do something or whether we "choose to" do something.

It may seem like a small shift, but when you "choose to" do something, there are a different set of emotions associated with this word. 

Try it now:

I have to go to work…

I choose to go to work because I feel good about providing for my family.

Or,

I’m so overwhelmed…I have so many jobs I have to do.

First up, is this actually true?

What would happen if you didn’t do all these jobs?

Some jobs will have more negative consequences than others. So you want to do those. 

So you are choosing to do certain tasks.

That is ownership.

It’s a small shift but the emotional and therefore behavioural consequences can be huge.

"A 2cm shift in the angle of a golf swing changes the trajectory of the ball, that by the time it lands it’s in an entirely different spot than the original swing. Maybe even on the green and not in the ditch, to continue the metaphor."

So how do we make this information usable? How can we incorporate this into our lives in a way that benefits us?

We can ask ourselves the following:

1. What are some of the things in your life you feel like you "have to" do? (Example: I have to fix the car.)
2. How is that perspective making you feel? (Annoyed and frustrated, a bit stressed.)
3. Do you really have to do this? What would happen if you didn’t? What are the options? (No, I actually don’t HAVE TO do this, I could take it to a mechanic, but I don’t want to spend my money. Or I could decide to not fix it, and not have a car. But this would have very negative consequences.)
4. What are the benefits of doing the action? (I get to enjoy the freedom of having a car).
5. Make the choice with lucid knowledge that you're acting in your own best interest. This feels good to most people! 

Change your thinking from: "I HAVE TO," to what is actually true:

"I CHOOSE TO BECAUSE..."

and the because is very important. It makes your "why" front and center, which plays a huge role in our levels of pleasure associated with a task. Why do runners and body builders endure the pain of a tough workout. They associate more pleasure to their "why," than the pain of the task. So much, that they enjoy what others would describe as unenjoyable! 

So the change is this:

Original thought: I have to fix the bloody car!

Intelligent, accurate thought: I choose to fix the car because I enjoy having the freedom to drive where I want, when I want, to do things I want!

When we think about it, there are very few things we actually "have to" do.

We don’t have to go to work. We can choose to not work if we want to. 

There are very real consequences to our decisions, to be sure, but it is still by choice.

We also have the choice to run our minds however we want.

We have a choice to break free from the chains of societal conditioning and experience life on our own terms.

The world doesn’t owe us a living, but we can choose to create a life for ourself within the rules of reality to massively varying degrees, and you see that, don’t you. Some people seem to create lives of abundance, and I’m not talking financial, but lives of abundant pleasure and fulfillment, even in the face of adversity, and other people seem to create lives of dysfunction, even when they come from a place where most of their needs are met...

The way we choose to run our minds, what we choose to learn about how to run our minds, and then what we choose to implement, plays a monumental role in the lives we produce…

Choose your words carefully when you communicate with yourself, because they impact the mind, and therefore your life, more than most people realize!

Changing "I have to do stuff" to "I choose to do stuff because it benefits me," is one habit we can implement to change our emotional experiences and behaviours.

Change a few core habits, and you change your life trajectory.

Travis Simlinger

Travis Simlinger is the founder of 'Progressive Coaching' in Zurich, Switzerland. Click here for more information.

(Personal Coaching—If both parties determine that we can work together, and you have goals or challenges I know I can help you with, I guarantee you I'll provide value that will save you years, if not decades, of trial and error learning, research, etc, if you apply it).