Two Immeasurable Things: Healing Power of Love and Destructive Power of Hate ... Part 3/5

101 Healing Stories For Kids and Teens

Using Metaphors in Therapy

Author: George W. Burns

Managing Emotions?

“. . . [P]ositive emotions have an undoing effect on negative emotions,” asserts Fredrickson (2000), adding that desired feelings such as joy, interest, and contentment broaden a person’s thought-action repertoire, in turn, building enduring resources for survival and well-being. This is much the same principle as Joseph Wolpe established with reciprocal inhibition and systematic desensitization: You overcome the undesired emotion by creating the desired one. For parents, teachers, and child therapists this means that the more you help a child discover and experience his or her potential for creating happiness and well-being, the less likely that child is to experience anxiety, depression, or anger. Appropriately managing emotions also involves learning that there are times when grief, though painful, may be an appropriate process of adjustment, or that fear, though uncomfortable, may prevent a child’s entering into a dangerous situation

There are tales that focus on the awareness and appreciation of sensory experiences (Burns, 1998), and that talk about fun, humor, and laughter. They look at how to cultivate contentment, how to change feelings by changing posture, and how to express emotions congruently. There are also stories about managing anger in a way that delivers the message with humor.

STORY 43: HAVING FUN

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ Lack of fun and enjoyment ■ Feeling depressed ■ Being too serious ■ Not knowing how to have fun

Resources Developed

■ Accepting that life is not all fun ■ Enjoying the moment■ Identifying the experience of fun ■ Learning to be playful ■ Building positive social skills ■ Learning to do fun things

Outcomes Offered

■ Happiness ■ Joyfulness ■ Fun-directed activities

What you just said reminded me of something Angela said, and you might be curious to know what it was. Angela was someone about the same age as you, and when I asked her what she would like to be doing more of, her words may not have been the same as yours but I think the meaning was.

She answered, “Having fun.”

I never did learn why Angela wasn’t having as much fun as she wanted. In fact, it might have been that she was having some fun and wanted to have more. Maybe we didn’t even need to talk about the reasons behind why Angela had come to see me, because I guess she already knew them at some level. Just talking about them a lot more—particularly to someone she didn’t know really well—wasn’t necessarily going to make a lot of difference. And it seemed to me that when Angela asked to find more ways of having fun, a part of her already knew what she wanted and needed to do.

So I asked Angela what she did for fun in her life at that moment. She stopped and thought for a little while, then said, “I have fun playing with my baby sister, but sometimes she starts to cry and Mom blames me for upsetting her. So it isn’t always fun.” She thought a little longer and said, “Sometimes it’s fun playing with my friends. We can laugh and giggle a lot, but other times, when they pick on me, it’s not such fun.” “In those times—even if they are brief times,” I asked, “what does that fun feel like?” “I don’t know,” she answered. “That’s okay,” I said. “Sometimes we don’t have to have the words for a feeling to know what that feeling feels like. If you think about it now, is it possible to feel it?” She closed her eyes for a moment, a smile started to creep into the corners of her mouth, and she nodded her head.

“What do you notice about what is happening in your body?” I asked. “My stomach feels sort of warm,” she said. “I can feel the smile on my face, it’s nice.” I replied, “I wonder, if there are times when you want to feel that fun feeling but can’t play with your baby sister or have a giggle with your friends, how you can do what you just did now. How can you close your eyes and feel the warmth in your tummy or smile on your face?” “I guess I can just do it,” she said and opened her eyes, still smiling. “Of your friends,” I asked, “who do you think has the most fun, happiness, or joy?” “Libby,” answered Angela without hesitation. “She always seems to be fooling around. She is sort of the class clown.”

“What is it that Libby does that helps contribute to her feelings of fun?” “She is playful,” answered Angela. “She is always telling jokes or playing practical jokes on other kids. Once she put a rubber spider in another girl’s desk then waited for her to open the lid and scream.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily want you to do all the things that Libby does,” I said. “Nor do I want you to get into trouble for putting rubber spiders in other kids’ desks to see if they scream in the middle of class—but I am wondering if there are any things that Libby does that you might be able to do to create more fun.” “I guess by being a little more playful,” answered Angela. “How could you be more playful?” I inquired. “I guess I could just be a little more relaxed, tell some more jokes, or fool around a little bit more with the other kids at times,” Angela responded. “Is there anyone else that you think is a good example of how to have fun?” I continued. “Well,” said Angela, “Karen seems to have a lot of fun because she has a lot of friends. They always go around together laughing and having a good time.” “And what is it that Karen does to have both friends and fun?” “She invites them around to her place after school,” answered Angela. “She has a lot of sleepovers. She visits the other kids’ homes.”

“Are there things that Karen does for fun that you can do for yourself?” “Maybe I can talk to Mom,” said Angela, “about inviting some friends around after school or having them sleep over one weekend.” “And is there anyone else you think of as a fun-filled person—or do you think that you’ve got enough things to work on already?” I asked. “Joanne always seems to be doing a lot of things that are fun. She competes in squash after school on Fridays, is learning the guitar, and plays basketball on weekends. She is always talking about all the things that she’s done and about how much fun they are for her.” “Doing things that we enjoy can be fun,” I agreed. “Are there things that you’d like to be doing more of in your life to have fun?” “I’ve thought I’d like to go to ballet classes,” said Angela. “That would be fun.”

As Angela began to plan the things she wanted to do, a smile of joy started to creep back on her face again. I guess I didn’t need to tell her what joy felt like or what the things were that she could begin to do to have fun. She was already starting to discover them for herself, and it probably all started with that thing I remember her saying: I want to have more fun.

STORY 44: CULTIVATING CONTENTMENT

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ Lack of contentment ■ Loneliness ■ Trying to be perfect

Resources Developed

■ Appreciating the simple things ■ Feeling okay about yourself ■ Enjoying your own company ■ Enjoying the company of others ■ Accepting that you are not perfect ■ Learning to relax ■ Creating peaceful thoughts ■ Accepting that contentment may be different for different people ■ Appreciating your environment ■ Using what you learn from others

Outcomes Offered

■ Contentment

Contentment was a word that Fred Mouse may have heard, but he hadn’t really thought about it before. It sounded like a big adult word. However, when he did hear it, Fred wondered what it meant. He first began to think about it while eating his toasted cheese sandwich for breakfast in his hole in the wall in the corner of the house. Maybe contentment, he thought, is that feeling in the morning when your tummy is rumbling for food and you give it a hot toasted sandwich with runny cheese in the middle. That would be contentment for me if I were a tummy, thought Fred. But did it mean more? He was curious to explore what else it might be, so after breakfast, he set out on a journey to find what more he could learn about contentment.

The first friend he met was Philip Bear. Is Philip contented? Fred wondered. He seems happy to sit wherever he happens to be and watch the world go by with a relaxed, teddy-bear smile on his face. He is also happy if someone wants to pick him up, play with him, or give him a teddy bear hug. Maybe, thought Fred Mouse, contentment is just feeling okay whether you’re by yourself or enjoying time with others. Philip had been loved, hugged, and cuddled so much that spots of his hair had begun to wear off, but, interestingly, it didn’t seem to make a lot of difference that he wasn’t quite perfect. Maybe, thought Fred Mouse, contentment is about feeling okay whether you’re perfect or not. But were there more ways of being content?

Instead of turning around and thinking he had all the answers, Fred continued on his journey like an explorer wanting to discover the mysteries of the jungle. Soon he heard a soft purring from the next room. As you might imagine, Fred Mouse was pretty careful when he heard the sound of purring, so he peered around the corner warily. Curled up on the rugby a warm winter’s fire was Tabby, the cat. She hardly moved except for the slow, rhythmic rise and fall of her stomach and chest with each relaxed breath that she took. Her muscles looked limp. Her mouth held a gentle smile. Maybe that’s contentment, thought Fred, to take time to curl up, let your breathing grow slow and easy, feel the comfort of your muscles, and enjoy your own peaceful thoughts.

He began to wonder whether Tabby was thinking contented thoughts. Was she dreaming about chasing a mouse? Was she dreaming about chasing him? It might be a contenting thought for Tabby, Fred said quietly to himself, but it might not be very content for me to be chased by a cat. With that, he had another thought: Maybe what contentment is for one person isn’t the same as what it is for another.

Fred tiptoed quietly past Tabby to continue his exploration outside. Barely had he stepped outside the doorway when he heard a beautiful warbling. Millie, the magpie, was perched in the branch of her tree. The sun shone gently on her back, the soft breeze swayed the branch, the sky above was clear blue, and the fragrance of flowers filled the air. If I were Millie the magpie, thought Fred, I’d be singing happily, too. Maybe contentment is appreciating what you have around you, and singing joyfully about it. I don’t know if Fred Mouse discovered all there was to know about contentment or whether, if he’d continued his journey, he might have found out a whole lot more. Perhaps what he learned was enough for him just at that point. I can guess, though, that when Fred snuggled into the comfort of his own bed that night and closed his eyes to drift off to sleep, he could feel a little of that contentment that he’d seen Philip, Tabby, and Millie experiencing. And I wonder if, like Fred Mouse, you are feeling a little more contented, too.

STORY 45; NAILING DOWN ANGER

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ Feelings of anger ■ Temper outbursts ■ Uncontrolled behaviors ■ Feelings of powerlessness to change

Resources Developed

■ Accepting the consequences of behavior ■ Learning about the impact of actions ■ Taking responsibility ■ Exploring new possibilities ■ Creating positive alternatives

Outcomes Offered

■ Anger management ■ Skills in seeking solutions ■ Ability to use energy creatively

Matt was a nice enough guy. He enjoyed his friends and family and, mostly, they enjoyed him. I say “mostly” because sometimes Matt could get really angry. If things didn’t go quite his way, he could shout and scream at people. He would slam doors, push other kids around, or throw things that happened to be near him. His mom and dad had long said things like, “You’d better learn to control that temper, young man, or one day you will get into real trouble.” Now Matt was noticing that some of his friends at school tended to be avoiding him more and more. The more he got angry, the less they wanted to spend time with him.

This worried Matt. He liked his friends. He didn’t want to lose them but he didn’t know what to do about it. He had always been like this. Try as he might, at times things would build up like a volcano until he erupted. Matt felt it was outside his control. What could he do? One Saturday morning his dad came home from the hardware store and said, “Matt, I’ve got a present for you.” Out of the shopping bag, he pulled a brand-new hammer and bag of big, shiny nails. He got an old baked bean can and tipped the nails into the empty container. Handing Matt the brand-new hammer and can of nails, he said, “Every time you get angry, go outside and hammer a nail into the wooden fence that runs down the side of the house.” At first, Matt thought his old man must be going crazy or something. Perhaps he’d been under too much pressure at work, but Matt gave a shrug. He had tried everything else, why not do what his father had said?

Each time he got angry at home he went and hammered a nail in the side fence. If he got angry at school he’d remember how many times he’d lost his temper and as soon as he got home he’d go and hammer the appropriate number of nails into the fence. Soon Matt found the task of hammering the nails in got boring. He didn’t like having to keep track of all the times he got angry and then go out into the shed, gather the nails and hammer, walk over to the fence, and pound in a few more nails, particularly if it was cold and raining. Surprisingly, Matt found that he was getting less and less angry. It was easier, in fact, to control his temper than to remember the times he hadn’t, then go and hammer another nail in the fence. After a week of not having to face up to the fence, even on one single occasion, he proudly went and told his dad. “Good,” said his dad. “I’m pleased to hear it. Now, every day you have without losing your temper, I want you to go and remove one of those nails you hammered in the fence.” The days went by, and the nails came out one at a time, but somewhere in the task of removing them, Matt noticed that they were leaving holes. The wood sprung back around some of the holes, closing them up a little, while others stayed the full size of the nail. Matt became concerned about the gaps that remained even after he’d removed the nails.

When he told his dad, his dad said, “That’s a bit like what happens when we get angry. Anger can hurt and sometimes it leaves a wound or a scar that people remember long after the anger has passed.” Matt thought about his dad’s words over the next few days. He didn’t like the fact that he’d left holes in the fence. Every time he walked by he could see the wounds that remained from his actions. The next weekend he asked his dad for some putty and filled up all the holes in the fence, but he could still see where they’d been.

Matt wanted to fix what he’d done, so he asked his dad if he could paint the fence next weekend. “What color would you like to use?” asked his dad. Matt had several ideas. He could paint the fence all one color, paint each picket a different color, or do a mural over the whole fence. Perhaps he could have a fence-painting party, inviting his friends around to do some graffiti art. As he considered it, he discovered there were many things he could do that might change what he had done to the fence. This, though Matt, is a lot more fun than hammering in nails.

STORY 48: LEARNING TO LAUGH

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ Unhappiness ■ Lack of enjoyment ■ Difficulty in laughing or having fun

Resources Developed

■ Learning to smile ■ Learning to laugh ■ Building positive feelings

Outcomes Offered

■ Smiles ■ Laughter ■ Fun

Clary sat in front of a mirror, one of those with light bulbs all the way around its sides. He painted a big red smile on his face and then drew a black line around the edge to highlight it. He painted on some wide-open, bright eyes that seemed to twinkle with mirth. On top of his head he placed a ginger-colored, unruly wig of hair, then a crooked top hat with a big yellow flower on the front. He ran a plastic tube from the flower down the back of his head, over his shoulder, and along his arm. He pulled on a big floppy jacket with brightly colored checks and pushed the tube into a big bulb of water in his pocket. Finally, he slipped into a pair of overgrown shoes and carefully stepped out of his caravan, walking through the canvas flap of the big tent and entering the arena. Almost as soon as the crowd of people saw him they burst out laughing. You see, Clary was the circus clown. He tripped over his long floppy shoes and people laughed out loud. He walked up to a person in the front row and squeezed the bulb in his pocket. As the flower squirted water over that man, the people laughed even louder. There was no doubt about it, though the ringmaster, Clary was definitely the funniest clown ever.

After the show, Herman, the trapeze artist, visited Clary in his caravan. Clary was wiping the smile off his face, and underneath the makeup, his real mouth didn’t lift up at the corners at all. As he wiped away the sparkling painted eyes, his own eyes looked dull and sad. “What’s up?” asked Herman. “Well,” answered Clary, “it’s easy to make other people laugh, but I can’t laugh myself. Even back at school I found it easier to make others laugh. I felt different from the other kids. I wasn’t good at sports like most of them and I didn’t really excel in my studies. In fact, I was often at the bottom of the class—but one thing I could do was to get others to laugh. I would trip over like I do when I enter the circus ring and the kids would laugh. If I went to eat a sandwich at lunch and it pushed up my nose instead of going into my mouth, they would think it was funny. I guess I did what I did well, and went on being the class clown, but I never felt really happy.” “Okay,” said Herman, feeling sorry for his friend. “If a laugh is difficult for you, perhaps a smile might be easier.” They both stood and looked in the mirror as Clary attempted a smile. “Not good enough,” announced Herman.

After the show, Herman, the trapeze artist, visited Clary in his caravan. Clary was wiping the smile off his face, and underneath the makeup, his real mouth didn’t lift up at the corners at all. As he wiped away the sparkling painted eyes, his own eyes looked dull and sad. “What’s up?” asked Herman. “Well,” answered Clary, “it’s easy to make other people laugh, but I can’t laugh myself. Even back at school, I found it easier to make others laugh. I felt different from the other kids. I wasn’t good at sports like most of them and I didn’t really excel in my studies. In fact, I was often at the bottom of the class—but one thing I could do was to get others to laugh. I would trip over like I do when I enter the circus ring and the kids would laugh. If I went to eat a sandwich at lunch and it pushed up my nose instead of going into my mouth, they would think it was funny. I guess I did what I did well, and went on being the class clown, but I never felt really happy.” “Okay,” said Herman, feeling sorry for his friend. “If a laugh is difficult for you, perhaps a smile might be easier.” They both stood and looked in the mirror as Clary attempted a smile. “Not good enough,” announced Herman lift the corners of our mouth as you did, but when we genuinely smile, we raise the muscles in our cheeks and around our eyes. I know I’m sounding a bit like a football coach, but come on, let’s get all those facial muscles working.”

Clary tried again. “Better,” announced Herman. “Here is your homework: Before you leave your caravan each morning, sit in front of your mirror and practice a genuine Dr. Duchenne smile.” Though they saw each other around the circus, neither mentioned the smiling exercise until a week later, when Herman entered Clary’s caravan after a performance. “Let’s see that smile,” he said. “How does that feel?” “Good,” said Clary, with a genuine Dr. Duchenne smile. “Just as it should do,” announced Herman, confidently. “You see, for a long time scientists thought that we laugh when we’re happy and cry when we’re sad. But now their research is showing that if you put a smile on your face, you feel happier and if you start to frown, you feel sad. Now, for the next step, let’s try a laugh.”

They both looked in the mirror again. Clary was showing a genuine smile. “Okay,” said Herman, “open your mouth and put one hand on your stomach, the other on your chest and start to laugh. Notice what it looks like in the mirror. Feel what is happening in your stomach and chest.” Clary laughed. Hey, it was possible. He could do it. “This is infectious,” said Herman, laughing with him. When they realized they were laughing so heartily at nothing, they laughed even louder and more heartily. Now when Clary paints a smile on his face for the circus, it follows the lines of the Dr. Duchenne smile that is already there, and his own eyes twinkle with laughter under the painted ones. You see, Clary is a clown who can help other people laugh . . . and can laugh himself.

STORY 49: CHANGE YOUR POSTURE, CHANGE YOUR FEELINGS

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problem Addressed

■ Lack of emotional control

Resources Developed

■ Discovering the mind-body relationship ■ Learning to alter feelings ■ Building emotional control ■ Creating emotional choices ■ Facilitating emotional empowerment

Outcomes Offered

■ Emotional control ■ Strategies for change ■ Personal empowerment

Patty was studying drama at school. She told me about something their drama teacher, Ms. Roberts, asked them to do at school. “Look down at the ground, just in front of the toes of your shoes,” she said. “Don’t look at anyone else or talk to them.” They let their shoulders slump forward, hung their arms loosely at their sides, then walked around for a little while without looking at anyone and without talking. After a few minutes, Ms. Roberts asked, “How are you feeling?” Patty told me that nearly everyone said they felt sad. Ms. Roberts then asked them to stand in pairs, staring each other strongly in the eyes. “Put your hands on your hips,” she added. “Stand with your feet a couple of feet apart and stare.” After just a few minutes everyone said they were feeling angry toward the other person. “Keep staring at your partner,” Ms. Roberts instructed them, “but this time clench your jaws tightly together and make tight fists with your hands.” Again they felt angry; some even felt angrier than before, and some said they felt really mad at the other person.

“Now,” said Ms. Roberts, “relax the muscles in your jaws and your hands, stand tall, and look the other person in the eyes, blink a couple of times and begin to smile.” It didn’t take long for one person to do this before the other person smiled back, and everyone was soon saying how much happier they felt. “Close your eyes,” Ms. Roberts continued. “Give the muscles of your shoulders and arms a bit of a wriggle, let your body stand there limply.” Soon everyone was saying how relaxed they felt. “People think that acting is pretending to be something,” said Ms. Roberts, “but all good actors know a secret that a lot of other people don’t seem to be aware of. If you change your posture and the expression on your face, you begin to change the way you feel. You don’t have to try to pretend to be happy or sad. By taking the posture of a person who is experiencing those emotions you actually start to feel it. It is real.”

Patty hadn’t thought about that before. She hadn’t thought that she could begin to change the way she felt by the way she stood, the way she held her body, and the expressions she put on her face. I think Ms. Roberts was teaching her kids more than drama. Patty was learning some important things about managing her own feelings. She said to me, “I had never thought I could change the way I felt by changing what I did.”

Creating Helpful Thoughts?

The notion that how we think, to a large degree, determines the ways that we feel and behave is an idea that was proposed back as far as the Greek philosophers and has influenced a major school of therapy in the early cognitive work of Beck (1967, 1973, 1976) and Ellis (1987). This has led us to see that it is not so much the event that occurs in the child’s life as much as the way the child experiences that event—and this tends to be determined by the child’s attitude, ideas, and thoughts. Much has been written about cognitive-behavioral and other evidence-based approaches to working with children, and an examination of how this material can be communicated through stories is expanded in Chapter 15, along with a list of references. The current chapter focuses on the development of helpful cognitive processes, including stories about useful thoughts to help manage the process of grief, and about how a child can misinterpret events or form false beliefs. There are tales about how thoughts determine our emotions, and how it is possible to reframe those ideas in a positive direction by learning to find exceptions to the rules, use the abilities a child has, discriminate, and awaken concepts that enhance confidence.

STORY 51: MANAGING GRIEF: A YOUNG KID STORY

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ Death ■ Loss ■ Grief

Resources Developed

■ Acknowledging loss ■ Learning that grief is okay ■ Experiencing stages of grief ■ Learning to move on ■ Focusing on positive memories

Outcomes Offered

■ Appropriate grieving ■ Acceptance of the stages of adjustment ■ Strategies for moving forward

I’m sure you have heard the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, but have you heard of the story about Grandpa and the Four Bears? The story starts off sad but ends up with something glad. Perhaps we could call it “How Little Bear Moved from Sad to Glad.” Little Bear had lived all her life with Big Brother Bear, Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Grandpa Bear in the woods. The sad part of the story happens right at the start. One day Mama Bear told Little Bear, “Grandpa Bear has gone to live with God in bear heaven.” Big Brother Bear wasn’t so gentle. He just said to Little Bear, “Grandpa’s dead.” Little Bear ran into her bedroom crying. Her mother came in and put her arm around her. Mama Bear’s eyes were wet and red. Little Bear knew she had been crying, too. “I don’t want him to be dead,” said Little Bear.

“I know,” Mama Bear said comfortingly. “None of us want him to be dead but, when bears grow old, they die. It’s not sometime we can do anything about. As you know,” she continued, “Grandpa Bear had been sick and hurting for a while. Now he won’t be hurting anymore.” When Mama Bear left, Big Brother Bear walked by and said, “Only sissies cry.” Little Bear saw Big Brother Bear’s eyes looked wet and red, too, so she couldn’t feel too angry with him. In fact, she didn’t quite know how she felt—sort of weak and upset and sad and shocked, all together. Since Mama Bear had said it was okay to cry, Little Bear lay on her bed, buried her head in the pillow, and had a good cry.

It was strange at the funeral. There were Uncle Bears and Auntie Bears and Cousin Bears and Friend Bears, many with tears in their eyes. Seeing them helped Little Bear know she didn’t always have to be strong and brave like Big Brother Bear said. “Lots of bears loved Grandpa,” Mama Bear explained as Little Bear looked around at the big crowd. She didn’t want to think of Grandpa Bear in a wooden box, even though all the Bear family had walked by, seen him, touched him, and said goodbye. She didn’t want to think, as the box rolled away through some little doors, that she would never see him again. Over the next few days, or it might have even been a few weeks, Little Bear continued to feel sad. She didn’t want to do much, didn’t feel hungry, and wasn’t interested in playing with her bear friends as usual. One night Mama Bear sat on her bedside and asked, “When you think of Grandpa Bear, what do you think about?”

Little Bear answered, “About him being dead and how sad I am without him.” “Then just close your eyes for a moment,” said Mama Bear, “and think about the fun times you had together while he was alive. When were you happiest?” With her eyes closed, Little Bear answered, “Most of all I liked sitting on his lap while he told me funny stories. I liked it when he helped me make cards for you on birthdays and Mother’s Day. He always liked what I did and told me how he loved me.” “Then,” said Mama Bear, “when you think about him in the future, it might be helpful to just close your eyes and remember those special moments you shared with him.” She did. And that is how Little Bear helped move from being sad to enjoying glad memories of Grandpa Bear.

STORY 53: AN ACT OF KINDNESS

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problem Addressed

■ Seeing someone or something in need?

Resources Developed

■ Offering a helping hand ■ Engaging in acts of kindness ■ Controlling our wants for the sake of another person

Outcome Offered

■ Feeling good for helping

In the north of the state where I live there is a gorge called Yardie Creek Gorge. It is the only gorge along that part of the coast with permanent water, and so it’s home to a variety of birds and animals, including the black-foot wallaby. The wallaby is like a small kangaroo that lives on the steep, red cliff faces where it bounds from ledge to ledge on vertical walls that many rock climbers would find challenging. My grandson and I had joined the boat trip through Yardie Creek Gorge hoping to see this unique wallaby—and were in for a pleasant surprise. Macca was the captain of the boat. He dressed the part in white shorts, white socks, white sneakers, and a white shirt, with dark patches on his shoulder bearing the three stripes of a captain. Macca obviously loved his job and was interested to discover all there was to learn about this unique area and its wildlife. He knew it intimately and his knowledge had us curious to learn what he knew. What had set out to be an ordinary tourist trip, however, turned out to be something different. One of the other passengers pointed to the cliffs and said, “There’s a rock wallaby in that cleft.” “Where?” asked Macca, spinning his head around quickly to look.

The passenger was pointing to a spot where Macca wasn’t used to seeing wallabies. He put the boat in reverse, and there, wedged in a tiny cleft, was a baby wallaby (called a “joey”). “This,” he said, “is the baby of a female who lives in a cave farther down the gorge. It looks like he has slipped on the rock face and fallen into the water, clambered up, and got wedged in this cleft— unable to climb up the steep cliff and unable to swim in the water if he falls back.” Macca nosed the boat into the cliff wall, grabbed a towel, and gently lifted the joey out, drying its wet fur as he did. His wife, who was also on the trip, took over the care of the joey. She let us look at this gray-and-black bundle of fur with its cute face, wide eyes, and alert ears. It tried to bury itself in the towel like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand. We were allowed to look but not touch, she told us. “If you handled it too much it will get your smell on it and then the mother could reject it.” All the kids on the boat, including my grandson, were wide-eyed and fascinated by this lovely young creature. They and their parents would love to have given this cute, fluffy critter a pat. Farther up the creek Macca edged his boat onto a pebbly little beach, climbing near to the cave inhabited by the mother wallaby and her babe. As he released the pressure on the towel the young wallaby leaped into the cave and disappeared.

There was relief that the joey was safe but a little disappointing, too. Everyone onboard, even the toughest-looking men, would love to have held and cuddled the joey, to have felt the softness of its fur, and to have looked into its wide and uncertain eyes. They would have wanted to give it comfort and reassurance and probably wished that they’d been in Macca’s position of letting it go back into the wild. We all hoped that its mother wasn’t far away and that soon both mom and babe would be reunited.

It was a special moment of tenderness. I think we all felt touched about doing something nice for something else, by being part of an act of kindness. In the end, it wasn’t just the joey that benefited. We felt happy for being part of the rescue.

STORY 54: THINGS MAY NOT BE WHAT THEY SEEM

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ Misinterpretation of situations ■ Formation of false beliefs ■ Jumping to conclusions

Resources Developed

■ Learning to test reality ■ Learning to assess your assumptions ■ Examining how we can misinterpret cues ■ Looking at how false beliefs are formed

Outcomes Offered

■ Being careful about jumping to conclusions ■ Assessing the beliefs you are forming ■ Humor

Sally put up her hand. “Please, ma’am, can I be excused?” She needed to go to the toilet. She had just entered the cubicle and sat down when she heard the voice from the next cubicle say, “Hi, how are you?” This is weird, though Sally; kids don’t usually talk to each other in the toilet. She didn’t recognize the voice but Sally had been brought up to be polite, to speak when you are spoken to, and all those sorts of things, so she replied, “Eh, fine. How are you?” “I’m okay,” came the voice from the next cubicle. “What are you doing?” That seemed a bit of a rude, personal question to ask someone when they were both sitting in the toilet, thought Sally. Yet she was polite, and answered, “Eh, the same as you, I suppose.” “How did you do on the exams? What did you think of the math test?” the voice inquired. “Okay, I think.” said Sally. Maybe the girl with the voice is just trying to be friendly, she thought. “Math doesn’t worry me. Actually I like it and was happy with the test.” “Do you think you passed?” the voice asked.

“I think so, but I’m still glad they’re finished. What about you? How did you do?” asked Sally. “I might have scraped through,” continued the voice. “Say, what are you doing at the weekend? Would you like to celebrate with a sleepover at my house?” Sally was taken by surprise. How do you answer such a question by someone you don’t even know, except as a voice in the cubicle beside you? It was kind of the girl, thought Sally. She seemed friendly enough, but do you just go to a stranger’s house for the night? What would her mother say when she tried to explain this one? “Thank you,” answered Sally. “That is a kind invitation but I think I will need to check with my parents first.” “Listen,” came an irate-sounding reply, “I got excused from class so I could talk to you. Now there is this idiot in the next cubicle who keeps answering all my questions. I’m going to have to hang up and call you back later.”

STORY 56: THOUGHTS DETERMINE FEELINGS

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ Loss of something special ■ Thoughts causing negative feelings ■ Lack of ownership of thoughts and feelings

Resources Developed

■ Awareness of how thoughts influence feelings—negative and positive ■ Awareness that it isn’t the object but the way we think about it that makes the difference ■ Creation of positive thoughts for positive emotions ■ Taking responsibility for your thoughts and feelings

Outcomes Offered

■ Ownership of thoughts ■ Ownership of feelings ■ The knowledge that positive thinking can result in positive feelings

Katie was jumping rope on the lawn in front of her home. It was a nice day, the sun was shining warmly, and she had all the time in the world to enjoy her jumping. She felt happy. Her thoughts were focused on her jumping: how to match the spinning of the rope in her hands and the jumping-off her feet so they didn’t get tangled, causing her to fall. When her mind and muscles were working together, when everything flowed smoothly, it felt pretty good. As she jumped, she remembered that her grandmother had given her the rope for Christmas. She knew that her grandmother didn’t have a lot of money and had to save up to buy the jump rope. Before Christmas, her grandmother had taken her to some toy shops to look at different things, hoping to subtly find out what Katie wanted. When Katie got not just a jump rope but the very jump rope she really wanted, she felt especially loved by her grandmother. As she skipped, a boy rushed across the road. He ripped her special jump rope from her hands, shouting, “Give me that” and raced back across the road toward the park.

What a horrible boy, thought Katie. At first, she was shocked and upset; but when she thought, He has stolen the jump rope my grandma gave me for Christmas, she became very angry. Then, thinking she had lost her jump rope forever, she felt sad and found tears welling up in her eyes. Racing across the park in the direction the boy had gone, she saw that a younger child had fallen into a pond. The boy had thrown an end of her jump rope out for the child to grab. Thinking to herself, That little kid could drown, she began to feel worried for the child. As the boy pulled the child to safety, her thoughts changed again. “He’s going to make it,” she called out loud and began to feel relieved. When the child was safely on the bank and appeared to be okay, the boy walked up to Katie and handed back the jump rope, saying, “I’m sorry if I frightened you before, but I had to act quickly. Thank you for the loan of the rope.” Thinking that it was nice of him to apologize and return the rope, Katie felt grateful.

Back home, she told her mom the story of how the jump rope had helped save the child. She told her father when he got home from work and even rang up her grandmother to tell her. As Katie thought of the part her jump rope had played, she felt proud—and then she had another thought: It wasn’t the rope that made me feel all those ways, it was the way I thought about the rope. And with that thought, she felt even better.

STORY 58: LEARNING TO USE WHAT YOU HAVE

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ Seemingly insoluble problems ■ Limited thinking

Resources Developed

■ Learning to use your own resources ■ Being open to new possibilities ■ Building skills ■ Learning that you only need to do something once to know it is possible

Outcomes Offered

■ Possibility thinking ■ Reliance on your abilities ■ Enjoyment of your success

Sometimes things can be scary. Sometimes we face situations that we doubt we can handle, or wonder how we might do so. Phillipa was a frog, a little frog, who was in just such a position. She lived in a pond with all of her family and a lot of friends, but that wasn’t the problem. She could sit on a lily pad and flick out her long, quick tongue to catch a juicy, passing insect whenever she wanted. That wasn’t the problem, either. The problem was that there was a big mean snake that lived near the banks of Phillipa’s pond. Mean Mrs. Snake had gobbled up some of Phillipa’s friends who hadn’t been on the lookout while playing leapfrog on the banks. If a frog happened to be too busy concentrating on a tasty-looking insect, mean Mrs. Snake could have her eyes on that frog as a meal for herself. At times, she would slither into the pond, silently swimming from lily pad to lily pad, looking for big, plump frogs to add to her menu.

Phillipa didn’t know what she could do to save herself or the other frogs from mean Mrs. Snake. At first, she called on the god of frogs, who said, “I have created you with all that you need to help yourself. As much as I would like to help, sometimes there are things that you have to do yourself.” That wasn’t very helpful, she thought and wondered what else she could do. A frog could leap, but mean Mrs. Snake could dart faster. A frog could swim, but so could a snake. What else, what else? she wondered. Deep in thought, she hadn’t noticed how close she had drifted to the shore. Suddenly there was a swish of sound and without even looking Phillipa knew it was mean Mrs. Snake. Phillipa remembered once hearing a friend say, “If only we could climb the trees.” Everyone else replied, “Don’t be silly, we’re only frogs. Frogs leap and swim. They don’t climb trees.” Within the flash of an instant, Phillipa saw a branch above her and leaped with the biggest leap of her life. Her webbed feet spread wide, her hind legs pressed down into the water, propelling her out of the pond and into the air. She reached out with her front legs as she did, grasping the branch and pulling herself up into the tree. The other frogs farther out in the pond watched in amazement as Phillipa climbed her way higher into the branches.

“Frogs are not supposed to do that,” she heard one of her doubting friends mutter below. “Not supposed to? They can’t!” exclaimed another, not wanting to believe what he had seen. “They can,” called back Phillipa, excitedly. “I just did. If I can, it’s possible for you to do it, too.” The others tried. They leaped from the water but they didn’t spread their webbed feet wide enough or press hard enough with their legs and thus fell short of the branch, toppling back into the water with a plop. “Try harder,” encouraged Phillipa. “We are trying as hard as we can,” the others shouted. “It’s impossible.” Just then mean Mrs. Snake saw this group of splashing frogs, growing more and more exhausted, and though there was a chance for a ten- or twelve-course dinner. She dived into the water and instantly the branches of the tree around Phillip looked like a Christmas tree decorated with frog ornaments.

“See,” Phillipa said triumphantly, “it is possible.” The frogs hung on for dear life, wrapping their legs tightly around the branches, frightened to move, frightened they might fall back into the water, frightened of mean Mrs. Snake lurking below. When mean Mrs. Snake eventually gave up and left, the frogs felt more confident and climbed their way higher and higher into the tree, where they now felt safe and secure. Not only was it safe, but it was also fun. It was fun at times to dive back into the deep center of the pond, for once they knew they were capable of leaping from the pond—which they hadn’t thought possible before—of course, they were able to do it again. There are a number of stories that tell how tree frogs first got from their ponds into the trees, but I like this one about Phillipa and mean Mrs. Snake. I also like what Phillipa said to her fellow frogs. She said, “It is possible to believe you can do more than you thought. ?It is possible to try and try until you succeed . . . and then maybe it is possible to do even more.”

STORY 60: AWAKENING CONFIDENCE (contributed by Susan Boyett)

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ Scaredness ■ Sadness ■ Being bullied ■ Physical symptoms of anxiety (hair loss)

Resources Developed

■ Building confidence ■ Learning the language of confidence ■ Doing things to create change ■ Building stickability ■ Learning the language of stickability

Outcomes Offered

■ Confidence ■ Perseverance ■ Empowerment

This is the story of Madeline and how she pushed Scaredness and Sadness away to make room for Confidence in her life. She decided that she would like her story to be told so that it could be used to help other children with the same kind of problem.

Madeline was having a hard time getting along with another girl in her class. They had once been friends, but something had gone wrong and this girl started to say mean things that upset Madeline, often leaving Madeline in tears. She hated crying because the other kids would call her a baby when she did. Scaredness seemed to like this and got Madeline so worried that some of her hair started to fall out.

The worst place to be was on the school bus. That was where she got teased the most. Scaredness had Madeline so worried about catching the bus that her mom had to start picking her up from school. Madeline wanted to do something about how Scaredness was messing up her life and stopping her from having fun. She started watching how Scaredness worked in her life and found things started to get better. One thing she worked out was that Scaredness was most strong in the mornings. This was because Confidence was a bit lazy and liked to sleep in! With the help of Mom, Madeline learned to remember not to walk out of the house without waking Confidence up first. This was a really smart move, and pretty soon things started to get better. It was not that people stopped being mean, although that did get better, too; it was that Scaredness and Sadness couldn’t use other kids’ meanness to upset Madeline so much with Confidence there to protect her.

What Madeline started to notice was that when a girl who had been nasty before called Madeline over on the playground, Scaredness’s trick was to whisper in her ear, “Uh oh, she’s going to bully you,” and Madeline would feel frightened. But as Confidence started to be more awake it would talk in her other ear and say: “It’s okay. You can be strong. You can handle this.” With Confidence around, Madeline began to discover that often there wasn’t a problem there at all. The girl actually wanted to be nice, and Scaredness was tricking her. This was not always how it was. Some girls could still say mean things sometimes, but, by listening to Confidence (“You are okay. Remind yourself of the nice things about you.”) Madeline was able to stand up for herself. Pretty soon Madeline felt ready to catch the bus again, but, because this took a lot of courage, she thought it was important to make some big friends so that she would feel safer. These big girls, in more senior years, all promised to say hello to Madeline when they saw her on the bus. It was great to have a whole lot of “big sisters” looking out for her. Madeline felt so confident that one day she even got mad at a girl who was mean to one of her friends.

Madeline figured out that Scaredness was also making her feel worried about schoolwork. Scaredness was whispering in her ear that she’d got everything wrong and that she would get into trouble. It made her feel bad when she took longer to get her work finished than the other kids. In fact, Scaredness was really pushing and shoving her around in the classroom. This was especially true in math, but also sometimes when she was doing harder work in English. Scaredness would get her so worried that she would feel sick, or need to go to the toilet, or need to get a drink so she could get out of the classroom for a while. When this happened, Madeline realized she needed to wake up Confidence here in the classroom, too. She understood how anyone could doze off in some lessons. Confidence helped her to feel better about showing her work to the teacher—“Showing her will help you to learn,” said Confidence, “and I bet you made less mistakes than what Scaredness says.” She learned that most of the time Scaredness was tricking her.

Mom had the idea that they could help to wake up Confidence by taking Madeline to a math tutor after school. Madeline thought that doing extra math was a bad idea at first, but she soon found that the extra practice helped her to feel more confident in math at school. (“See how well you are doing?” encouraged Confidence.) It was the same with cursive writing. She had been so slow at it until she started practicing at other times. One day she found she got through her work so quickly she was already doing extra work for the teacher before the other kids had finished!

Madeline realized that Confidence had introduced her to another friend called Stickability. Stickability (“Keep trying—the more you do it, the better you become”) was what helped her to practice until she got things right. She remembered that Stickability had helped her in the past but she didn’t know its name then. She had once thought that she would never be able to ride a two-wheeler bike without training wheels, but she had stuck at practicing until one day she could do it! With Stickability as a friend, she should be able to get confident at lots of things.

One day Mom thought it was time to check Madeline’s hair—and guess what? No new hair had fallen out! In fact, on another day when Mom checked her hair, she found that there was new growth. Madeline felt really proud that she had worked out a way to solve her own problems.

Developing Life Skills?

As childhood is a time of rapid development, Holmbeck, Greenley, and Franks (2003) consider our therapeutic subjects to be developmental “moving targets.” Not only do the developmental stages change rapidly, but there is a wide variation within each of those stages. Take any two children of the same age and you are likely to see marked differences in their developmental levels, cognitively, educationally, behaviorally, emotionally, physically, and socially. There are so many life skills children need to acquire that they are likely to develop some well and some not so well. Although one child might be performing well at school, he might be withdrawn and isolated in a social sense. Another may have an extensive range of quality friendships but be behind in academic achievement.

STORY 61: FACING A MORAL DILEMMA: A KID STORY

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ A moral dilemma ■ Being in trouble (when perhaps it’s not entirely your fault) ■ Telling lies ■ Lack of responsibility

Resources Developed

■ Exploring personal moral standards ■ Learning to face consequences ■ Learning to be responsible ■ Learning to make considered judgments

Outcomes Offered

■ Moral responsibility ■ Acknowledgment of cause and effect ■ Personal value systems

“Did you tell your parents?” Brad’s friends asked him when he got to school on Monday morning. “What did they say? Did you get in trouble again?” Brad had been in trouble on Friday. Jess, one of the girls in his class, was constantly teasing him. On Friday, she had recruited several other girls and they were all skipping along behind Brad, teasing, laughing, and giggling. Brad was at the end of his tether. He turned around and gave Jess a push. She fell backward and hit her head against a corner of the wall. It began to bleed. It was only a small cut but cuts to the head can bleed a lot.

It so happened that Ms. Brown, one of the schoolteachers, saw Brad push Jess. She grabbed him by the wrist and held him tightly while asking Jess’s friends to accompany her to the nurse’s office. Brad was taken to the principal’s office, lectured about bullying, and told to write out twenty-five lines, I must not be a bully, and another twenty-five lines, I must not hurt girls. The principal then wrote a letter for him to take to his parents, put it in an envelope, and sealed it. Brad was to give this letter to his parents and have them sign the total of fifty lines that he was to do over the weekend. During classes that afternoon, Brad was too terrified to concentrate . . . and even more terrified about going home. When his mother asked him how the school had been he just shrugged his shoulders and headed for his bedroom. What was he to do? Should he tell her the truth? If he did he would probably get into trouble with her and Dad as well as Ms. Brown and the principal. Could he just not tell his parents? But then, he had to give them the letter and get them to sign his lines. Maybe he could fake one of their signatures. Maybe the principal wouldn’t know. He knew other kids who had done it but he wasn’t sure if he could.

Maybe he could tell a lie and make it sound as though it really hadn’t been his fault. After all, he had told some little lies in the past and gotten away with it—but this time it felt like something big. He had heard other kids lie with excuses about their homework. He knew that some did, but then others said that you should never lie. Previously, his parents had given him talks about lying. “You should always tell the truth,” they’d said, but he found there were times when he told the truth and ended up getting into more trouble. Then there were other times when he’d told some lies and managed to escape without punishment. Brad wrote out the lines secretly and hid them in his room. Come Sunday night, he was about to burst with the worry of it all. He hadn’t been able to find a way out and knew he had to tell his parents. Over dinner, he said, “I got into a bit of trouble at school on Friday and the principal gave me a letter to give to you.”

“I wondered what was going on,” his mother replied. “You’ve been pretty quiet all weekend. What happened?” Brad said, “Jess and her friends were teasing me and started to push me around. Then one of her friends got down behind me and Jess gave me a push so that I fell over. When I got up I pushed her back and she hit her head against the wall. Ms. Brown only saw the last bit, blamed me for it, and took me to the principal’s office.” With that, he handed over the letter and the fifty lines that he’d written. “You shouldn’t push girls around,” his father said at first, but as his parents discussed it, they agreed the girls had been responsible, in part, so Brad’s mom said that she would go to school in the morning and talk to Ms. Brown. Oh, no! Brad was really in trouble now. Ms. Brown was the teacher who’d seen what happened and his mom was going to support his lie about the girls pushing him over first! How bad could it get?

I bet you would like to know how the story ended. But, to be honest, I don’t know, so I can’t tell you. However, if you were in Brad’s shoes, what would you have done? Would you have confessed to Mom and Dad? Would you let Mom visit Ms. Brown in the morning and wait to see what happened? How would you have faced up to the consequences of what you had done? Or take responsibility for what you had done? How would you make your own judgment about what was best to do?

STORY 63: LEARNING ABOUT RULES

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ Resenting rules ■ Antisocial behaviors ■ Rebelliousness

Resources Developed

■ Learning the need for rules ■ Exploring the values of rules ■ Observing the benefits of rules ■ Seeing how we set rules in our own lives ■ Learning to set equitable rules

Outcomes Offered

■ Appreciation of the reasons for rules ■ Appreciation of the benefits of rules

?I bet if I asked most kids your age what they thought about rules they would screw up their noses and say that they hated them. Like when parents say, “If you want to go to the movies this afternoon you need to tidy up your room, that is the rule”—most kids answer, “I hate rules.” I have a friend, a teacher, who tends to teach in some unusual ways. She asks kids what they think about rules and gets the usual response. So then she plays a game with them. She has a big plastic sheet of Chutes and Ladders that she spreads out on the floor. She splits the class into three or four teams and asks them to play against her to see who can win. When it comes to her turn she rolls the dice two or three times in a row.

“Hey, you can’t do that,” some of the kids will object. When she lands on a chute, she might move on to the next ladder and climb up rather than slide down to the end of the chute. “Hey, you can’t do that,” object the kids even more strongly. “Why not?” she asks. “Because it’s against the rules,” assert the kids. “What does it matter?” my teacher friend asks. “It isn’t fair,” they respond. “You’re cheating. We’re not equal and everyone should have the same chance.”

She then begins to ask her class why they think there are rules in school, in the playground, on the football field, on the roads when we are riding a bike, or at home. Her students often come up with lots of reasons for rules. Things work better when we have rules, they say. Or, if we didn’t have rules at an intersection how would we be able to ride our bikes safely, or walk across the road with all the cars, trucks, and buses around? Everyone could be in a lot of trouble. Rules help people to get along better together. If we follow the rules not to steal other people’s things or to hurt others, we get along better together. Rules exist for our safety and our well-being. Then she might give them some egg cartons, sheets of cardboard, felt pens, plastic discs, and dice, asking them to get into small groups and make up their own games but without any rules. It is not long before the kids are calling to her, “Teacher, we can’t do it. How can we have a game without rules? It’s impossible even to play without rules.”

STORY 64: SOMETIMES TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ When terrible things happen ■ Loss ■ Grief ■ Parental conflict ■ Parental separation ■ Lack of skills to manage troubled times

Resources Developed

■ Accepting it is okay to grieve ■ Accepting some things cannot be changed ■ Learning to change the things that can be changed ■ Learning to look to the future ■ Making choices to influence the future ■ Discovering it is okay to feel good again ■ Accepting personal responsibility for change

Outcomes Offered

■ Optimism ■ Future-orientation ■ Self-determination ■ Control (in part) of your future

Steve loved watching cartoons, especially those about adventures in outer space. While watching them he wasn’t thinking about other things, like his pet dog, King, who had been run over by an automobile just in front of their house. King had been his best friend. Steve could talk to him about anything. He would sit there with his head on Steve’s lap, looking understandingly into Steve’s eyes when his parents were having yet another fight. Not long after King died, his best human friend, Danny, moved out of state when Danny’s father got a new job. Steve often thought life wasn’t fair. He lay in bed at night, tears in his eyes, thinking how horrible his life was, and wondering if it would ever get better. Then, the worst thing of all happened. In some ways it might be good, he thought. At least the fighting will stop. But then he wouldn’t have a family anymore. When his parents separated, he thought it was the worst thing that could happen to a kid . . . and he felt really rotten.

One night after re-watching some cartoons he’d videotaped, Steve fell asleep and dreamed about a spaceship landing beside his bed. It was big, round, and bright with lights. Slowly, the spaceship’s gangway lowered, and, against the lights, Steve saw an emerging figure in a spacesuit with a glass-topped helmet. His suit bore the name “Captain Empowerment.” Captain Empowerment took off his helmet and, before Steve could stop himself, he asked the captain, “Take me away on your spaceship. I can’t stand all these horrible things anymore.” In a calm, deep voice, Captain Empowerment answered, “Sometimes rotten things happen to the best people, even to kids. I can’t change what is happening or take you away from it, but there might be something I can do to help. Come aboard.” Steve followed Captain Empowerment through the weird insides of the craft until they reached a cylindrical compartment. Captain Empowerment said, “This is a time capsule. Hop inside, turn the time dial to two weeks ahead and see what happens.”

Steve entered and Captain Empowerment closed the door behind him. In front, Steve saw a dial that commenced with today’s date and went ahead for the rest of his life. As Captain Empowerment had suggested, he turned the dial on two weeks and a mechanical voice said, “Welcome. I am RALFI, the computer of your future. Do you want to see two weeks ahead as it could be or as you would prefer it to be?” Steve was a little surprised by the question. He hadn’t expected to have a choice. As if reading his mind, RALFI said, “To some degree, we have a choice about the future and how it will be.” “Let me see how it could be first,” asked Steve. Immediately he found himself sitting on a chair in his bedroom, his elbows on his thighs, his hands clasped in front of him, his head leaning forward, tears rolling down his cheeks, thinking about all the terrible things that had been happening to him. A few seconds was enough. “Help get me out of here,” he begged RALFI. “Take me into the future of how I would rather it be.”

Instantly, Steve was playing football with friends in the neighborhood park. They were laughing, joking, and having fun. After the game when he got home and sat in his room he started to feel sad again, thinking about King, Danny, and his parents. Then he heard RALFI’s computer-like voice in the distant background say, “It is okay to feel sad. Some sad things have happened to you—and it is okay to feel good at times, too. I can show you what could happen,” said RALFI, “but I can’t make it happen for you. For you to be where you want to be in two weeks’ time, can you tell me what you need to do to make the change?”

Steve thought. Some things he’d like to change but knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t bring back King, get Danny’s parents to move back, or make his parents be happy. Almost thinking out aloud, he found himself answering RALFI, “There are some things I can’t change but maybe I can start to get out with my friends again, play, laugh, and have some good times. Maybe I can remember more of the fun I used to have with King rather than think about how sad it is without him. Maybe I can write or e-mail Danny and perhaps look for a new best friend among the other kids at school. I can’t do anything about what Mom and Dad have decided so it may be best to enjoy the time I spend with each of them, separately. Hopefully, they might be happier now.” As he voiced his thoughts, Steve thought he noticed a little smile on RALFI’s computer dial.

RALFI, however, kept to the business at hand. “Do you want to see the way it could be or the way you want it to be in twelve months?” he asked. “Let’s miss the could be and go to how I want it to be in twelve months,” Steve instructed RALFI. He was taller and wearing long pants to school instead of shorts. He was getting a certificate at school but couldn’t quite read what it was for—schoolwork, sports, community service, maybe. Mom and Dad were both there to see it. They were happier in their separate lives and proud of their son. He still looked at the photograph of King in his bedroom from time to time and remembered the fun they’d had together. And what was this? A new puppy called Scruffy was licking his hand. He and Danny were sending fewer e-mails but he had several other really good friends at school.

As the scene faded, Steve thought RALFI’s dial was smiling again. He didn’t need to explore anymore and stepped out of the capsule to find Captain Empowerment waiting for him. Captain Empowerment handed him a spacesuit and a glass bubble helmet that Steve put on. He then looked in a mirror and saw the name on the suit: Steve the Supreme. “Steve the Supreme?” he asked Captain Empowerment. “Yes,” said the captain, “I decided to name you Steve the Supreme Creator of His Own Future Destiny, but that was too long to fit on your suit. Even though sometimes some terrible things may still happen to you in life, you know there are things you can do to make the future the way you want it to be, so henceforth you will be known as Steve the Supreme.”

STORY 65: ACCEPTING WHAT YOU HAVE

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ Wanting bigger and better ■ Wanting what you cannot have ■ Setting unattainable goals ■ Failure to accept what you have

Resources Developed

■ Learning to accept what you have ■ Taking the opportunity while it’s there ■ Learning to set realistic goals

Outcomes Offered

■ Acceptance ■ Realistic appraisal of goals ■ Attainable goals

Feeling hungry, a fox set out in search of a meal. He hadn’t gone very far before he found a mouse sleeping under a tree—an easy and certain catch. What good luck, thought the fox, a nice, tasty little meal just lying and waiting for me, already. That will make a nice breakfast. The fox was just about to pounce on the mouse and gobble it up when a rabbit came hopping by. Seeing the rabbit, the fox forgot about his easy breakfast and greedily thought, What luck, a rabbit is bigger and tastier than a mouse. If I catch it, I will have enough food to last all day. He raced after the rabbit and was just closing in to make his catch when a deer that had been grazing nearby was startled and took flight. The fox greedily set his eyes on the deer. Despite feeling a little tired from chasing the rabbit, he thought he still had a fair chance to catch the deer. What luck, he said to himself, a deer is bigger and better than a rabbit. Catch that and I can eat for a week without any more running around. He had used so much energy chasing the rabbit that he started to lag behind the speedy deer, but it didn’t seem to bother him because just then he saw a horse. He was tired. The horse was big and fast but it didn’t deter the fox. What luck, with a horse, I could eat for months without doing any work. The horse didn’t even bother to run. With a couple of well-placed kicks, it would have smashed the fox’s skull if the fox had not dodged in time. Deciding he was trying to bite off more than he could chew, the fox thought, Oh, well, at least I can turn back and look for the deer, but it had disappeared into the forest long ago.

Maybe it has to be a rabbit, today, he thought, but by the time he got back the rabbit had long gone as well. Mouse for breakfast, then, he muttered with disappointment and returned to the tree, expecting to easily catch a sleeping mouse—but the noise of chasing the rabbit, deer, and horse had awakened the mouse. It was gone! The fox thought to himself, What a pity I didn’t take the opportunity that was available rather than trying to chase something beyond my reach. Sad, he lay down under the tree and felt his empty tummy rolling with hunger.

STORY 68: TAKING A DIFFERENT VIEW

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ Relationship conflicts ■ Sibling rivalry ■ Seemingly insoluble problems ■ Selfishness and greed ■ Lack of compromise and negotiation ■ Fixed-mindedness

Resources Developed

■ Broadening perspectives ■ Listening to others ■ Learning from challenges ■ Seeing other possibilities ■ Valuing relationships

Outcomes Offered

■ Learning from others ■ Knowing that problems can have solutions if we broaden our thinking ■ Working cooperatively in relationships ■ Valuing relationships

One day a cowboy was riding along on his horse when he met three brothers who were arguing. “Why are you fighting?” he asked. The eldest brother said, “Our father was a rancher. When he died, he left his horses to us, three sons. His will was clear. I am to get half of the horses. My second brother here is to get one-third, and my youngest brother gets one-ninth. The problem is, our father left us seventeen horses.” If you know a little about math, you will see the brothers’ task was impossible. Seventeen cannot be divided into a half, a third, and a ninth. “We have tried every mathematical approach we can think of,” the eldest explained to the cowboy. “We have even thought of killing one or more of the horses and cutting it up to make sure we get our rightful proportions. However, our father’s will was clear on that, too: The horses were not to be killed.” The other brothers nodded. A dead horse’s leg or tail wasn’t much use to them. This was why they argued Half of seventeen was eight and a half, so the eldest suggested he take nine. The younger two objected because it would mean they got less. He should take eight, they suggested, but he didn’t want to take less, either. The argument raged, tempers flared, and the brothers got really angry at each other. No one was willing to comprise. “I see your problem,” said the stranger. “Your father has set you a difficult challenge, however, I think I see a solution.”

He led his own horse across to the corral that contained the seventeen left by the young men’s father. He pushed the gate open, let his own enter, then closed the gate again. Eighteen horses stood in the enclosure. “Now,” he said to the elder, “you take your portion of one-half.” How many did he get? Yes, the brother counted out nine horses that he delightedly claimed for himself. Thanks to the stranger, he got his rightful share. Turning to the second brother the cowboy said, “Now you take your portion of one-third.” How many was this? That’s right, the brother happily led out six horses. To the third brother, the stranger said, “Now it is your turn. Take your one-ninth.” Which were how many? Yes, the last brother took his two horses, leaving behind the saddled horse of the stranger. “Your father has left you more than horses,” said the cowboy. “In setting you this challenge, what else do you think that he has given you?”

“I think,” said the first brother. “That he was trying to teach us that every problem has its solution. No matter how difficult it seems, to find an answer we might have to look at it differently.” The second brother added, “I think it is more than that. Since we were little kids we have always been fighting and arguing. Perhaps he wanted us to see that working together gave us an opportunity for happiness. While greed and selfishness separated us, no one was happy.” “I believe,” said the third, “he was possibly teaching us even more. He was saying that no matter how much each of us thinks we are right, we may not have the answer. That sometimes we need to look outside of ourselves. Sometimes somebody else can offer us a helpful idea for solving a problem.” The cowboy just smiled as he mounted his horse, cocked his hat, and prepared to ride on.

STORY 69: OVERCOMING FEAR

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problem Addressed

■ Fear

Resources Developed

■ Learning to reality test ■ Appreciating the values of fear ■ Discriminating between real and imagined fears ■ Accepting the temporary nature of emotions ■ Learning to change emotions positively

Outcome Offered

■ Skills in fear management

Fred was a mouse who lived in a hole in the wall in the corner of the house. Each morning when he awoke he found himself looking forward to his toasted cheese sandwiches for breakfast—in fact, some mornings more than others because sometimes the nights before had been scarier than others. You see, Fred Mouse was afraid of the dark. He knew he wasn’t alone in being afraid. Other mice were scared of dogs and cats. He had heard that sometimes people were scared of spiders and snakes, or even funny things like standing on cracks in the pavement. For Fred, it was the dark.

When he went to bed at night and Mommy Mouse turned off the light, he began to get frightened. She would leave on the hallway light to help reassure him, but somehow that seemed to make things worse. It cast shadows across the door and walls. They seemed to change, as though something or someone was lurking in the dark. When he was younger he used to hop into bed with Mom and Dad if he was scared, feeling the reassurance of just being close to somebody. Now, they told him, he was a big mouse and had to sleep in his own room by himself, like all good mice did when they started to grow up.

It was nice when Mom sat on his bedside and read him a story. Sometimes he would drift to sleep while she was reading, sometimes he would be able to think about the story and forget about the dark. But sometimes the thoughts of the dark would creep back into his mind and again he would start to feel scared. One morning after eating his toasted cheese sandwiches for breakfast, Fred went looking for his friend, Philip Bear. “Are there times when you get frightened?” he asked Philip. Philip thought for a while and said, “I certainly get frightened at times that the honey pot might be empty.” Fred didn’t think it was quite the same thing, but he asked Philip, “When you are frightened, what do you do?” “Well,” answered Philip, “I go to check that there is honey in the pot. If there is, then I know I don’t need to be frightened anymore.” Not sure he had got the answer he was looking for, Fred went searching for Tabby, the cat. “What do you do when you are frightened?” he asked Tabby. “Well,” replied Tabby, “like all cats, sometimes I get frightened of dogs. Some dogs can be friendly and don’t really bother about wanting to hurt cats, but some dogs are not so friendly and, at those times, it is good to be scared. The fear gives me the energy to run away and protect myself. I think it’s a matter of learning to tell the difference between what you need to be frightened of and what you don’t.

“You see,” continued Tabby, “you can come and talk to me, so already you know how to overcome the fear that mice usually have of all cats. You have learned that I am a friendly cat and there is no need to be afraid if the situation is safe. But it might be a good thing to be afraid of other cats who see mice as a meal rather than as friends.” Fred hadn’t thought about it that way, but he felt more confident when Tabby told him that there are some fears he had already been able to overcome. Next, he sought out his friend, Tom, who was sitting at the table eating breakfast—as little boys are prone to do at breakfast time. He asked Tom, “What do you do when you are frightened?” “Sometimes I get frightened if Mom shouts at me,” said Tom. “Not that she shouts very often, which is probably why I get frightened when she does. I guess I know she won’t be angry forever and because she’s not, I won’t be frightened forever. So I tell myself that the feeling will go. Then I try to do something that feels nice, like give her a hug if she is feeling upset, or go outside and play for a while. Usually I come back feeling better.”

When Fred went to bed that night it was with lots of thoughts in his mind about the conversations he’d had during the day. What could he learn from the things his friends did? Could he ask his mom to read him a story, to absorb his thoughts in some interesting tale? That had worked sometimes in the past. Could he check his room—as Philip did with his honey pot—to reassure himself there was no need to be afraid? Like Tabby, could he weigh up whether it was appropriate for him to be afraid? Was there any real risk? If there was, what could he do about it? If there wasn’t, how could he relax and drift into a comfortable sleep? Could he do what Tom did, and remind himself that feelings like fear will pass and won’t stay around forever? What do you think he did? Whose advice did he follow? Did he do some of these things or all of these things? Or did he perhaps think of other things that he might be able to do himself? Whatever he did, I do know that it was possible for Fred to snuggle up at night in the hole in the wall in the corner of the house and sleep a comfortable, rested sleep.

STORY 70: THE SECRETS OF SUCCESS

Therapeutic Characteristics

Problems Addressed

■ Dealing with rivalry ■ Facing a challenge ■ Setting goals ■ Finding the means to succeed

Resources Developed

■ Acknowledging strengths ■ Acknowledging weaknesses ■ Using strengths ■ Making choices about weaknesses ■ Training and preparation

Outcomes Offered

■ Focusing on your strengths ■ Applying yourself toward your goal ■ Developing your personal best

“Grandpa,” asked Thomas on the phone, “can we walk the Bibbulmum Track next weekend and stay at Hewitt’s Hill Hut?” “That could be possible,” said Grandpa, thinking of the previously enjoyable hikes they had on the local backwoods trails and how Thomas had a particular preference for Hewitt’s Hill Hut. “Could I bring some friends? Daniel, Bon, Luke, and Willo?”

Grandpa noted Daniel’s name at the top of the list. Daniel and Thomas were best friends as well as friendly rivals. They were always challenging each other to see who was the better. If the competition had been confined to schoolwork, Thomas might have been the victor. He learned his new spelling words faster, he was quick to pick up on addition and subtraction, and he could read aloud quite effortlessly—but these are not the things that are really valued among little boys, and education is a lot more than reading, spelling, and math. Daniel had the physical prowess. He could run faster, climb higher up a tree, and throw a stone farther. When it came to designing and building a paper airplane, Thomas was quick and creative, but Daniel always seemed to fly his farther.

Some days they would take the long walk home from school through the woods. There they would climb to the top of a granite outcrop and engage in the ultimate little-boy challenge: to see who could pee the farthest. Daniel always won. That in itself was infuriating, but it wouldn’t have been so bad if he didn’t laugh at Thomas. Thomas felt hurt. He was also worried, for the annual school football tryouts were coming up, and Thomas desperately wanted to be selected. He had no doubt that Daniel would be. Daniel always was. He ran fast, he handled the ball well, and he didn’t get frightened when other kids tried to tackle. One weekend, Thomas arrived at his Grandpa’s looking forlorn. Daniel had beaten him again when they stopped at the granite outcrop. Again he had laughed at Thomas, and boasted about how he’d be on the football team. “What’s wrong?” asked Grandpa kindly. “It’s Daniel,” said Thomas. “He is always better than me. No matter what he does, he always seems to win. He’ll get selected for the football team and I won’t. He beats me at everything I do. We have the grand championship coming up in a few weeks and I know that he’ll win . . . and laugh at me again.”

Thomas’s grandpa gently stroked his grandson’s shoulder and said, “You and Daniel have been friends for a long time and in that time there is something I have learned about Daniel. Over my life, I have met a lot of other people like him. You see, I used to be a champion swimmer.” Thomas had seen the dusty old trophies in his grandpa’s den and the ribbons that hung from the bookshelf. He had seen a couple of framed photographs of his grandpa as a younger man, proudly holding a trophy. He knew this about his grandpa but they had never spoken about it before. “In my experience, the best athletes have a few secrets that you never hear them talk about,” his grandpa confided, as though he were a master magician finally agreeing to tell his student some safely guarded magical tricks of the trade. Thomas was eager to learn the secrets. He wanted to know what he could do to beat Daniel. “First,” began Grandpa, “it is helpful if the ability comes to you easily. You see, there are some things you do very well and some things Daniel does very well. We all have different skills and abilities. The secret is to concentrate on your strengths. Know what they are and how to use them. Be aware of what you are not so good at, too, and make the choices as to whether you want to focus on those things less, or try to develop them. Thinking too much about what you can’t do may stop you from doing what you can.

“In my time as an athlete I have seen many people who have the ability, but they tend to be lazy. They could make it to the top but don’t put in the effort. “The second secret of top athletes,” continued his grandpa, “is that they train. Have you ever seen Daniel training? No, he never puts in the effort. Set your goal, work hard toward it if that is what you really want, and you will certainly make it. “Finally,” said Grandpa, “you know I play golf now. My aim is not to beat others, but improve my own score. Top athletes talk about competing against themselves rather than others, or about improving their own personal best. In training, aim for your best. That’s what matters most for your own satisfaction.” Grandpa’s words inspired Thomas. He wanted to do his best, so he began to train, getting up early every morning and practicing. He watched top athletes being interviewed on TV, and, after Grandpa’s talk, realized how much effort they put into becoming the best. He noticed that they often carried water bottles with them. That, he thought, was a good idea, and he always kept one in his school bag. He drank plenty.

Well, Thomas got selected for the football team, but that wasn’t the grand championship for which he had been training. It was a couple of weeks after he asked his grandpa’s advice that he asked Grandpa to take him and his friends for a walk along the Bibbulmum Track to stay at Hewitt’s Hill Hut. This was to be the site of the grand championship. They cooked on a campfire, toasted marshmallows on sticks they had whittled, and played spotlight in the dark. They watched the moon rise, then snuggled into their sleeping bags full of anticipation. The grand championship was to be held in the morning. Thomas had prepared himself, he’d drunk constantly from his water bottle all that day, and even sipped on it when he awoke during the night. He had certainly been training. First thing in the morning, before Grandpa awoke, Thomas led his friends out into the woods because here, near Hewitt’s Hill Hut, was the tallest granite outcrop that he knew. It was the day of the grand championship: to see who could pee the farthest. Thomas had been practicing holding back as long as possible. Now he was ready. He let fly. He won. He was the Grand Champion. He peed the farthest he had ever done.

That night when they had walked out of the woods and returned to Grandpa’s house, Thomas gave his grandpa a big hug. “Thanks for teaching me the secrets of success,” he said with a smile his grandpa could only begin to wonder about.

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