Two Friends you always need and Two Friends you never do

I’ve always maintained that the size of your network of friends is no guarantee of success in life. Then again, I’m an introvert for whom saying hello to new people at parties feels like a heart attack. So obviously I’ll defend the fact that I have just four close friends. But I can’t deny that it helps to know more people. The more contacts you have the easier it is for you to get all sorts of work done, receive expert advice, and get the right doors to open. But it isn’t a handicap to not know too many people as long your circle includes the right ones. Friends tend to accumulate in strange and unscientific ways over time. There was never a methodology to it nor a predictive model to determine how they come and go. I’m in my mid-40s and I have watched the full length of the movie titled Friendship – beginning from the first meeting to the blooming or combusting over several years. I have had plenty of experience in watching two people hit it off like bread and butter, and then see their friendship morph and evolve over the years as each one changes jobs, gets married, gets unmarried, and so on. Some pairings are like diamonds – stronger and more beautiful with age, whereas some others bombed like the end of Communism, with even more vodka involved. I can easily confirm as clear as a summer day that not every friend was worth the effort and some were worth much more than their asking price.

Drawing on my highly selective process of finding friends, and a lifetime of marveling at those who could make friends with anyone within visible distance, here are the two friends you really need at the top of your speed-dial list.

1.      Someone who is smarter than you: And I do mean smarter and not more successful, because measures of success vary and it would be disastrously wasteful to pursue someone else’s version of success. No, I’m referring to someone who is more intelligent than you. There are different types of intellects, but anyone who is smarter than you in an area where you are reasonably good too becomes a positive benchmark in your life. Find people who challenge your thinking intellectually and force you to examine matters in different perspectives. It is said that a sign of a first-rate intelligence is to be able to hold two contradictory positions in one’s mind and still function. These people drive you to a constantly higher state of intelligence and self-awareness. At the very least, they don’t tolerate you becoming an idiot who holds an opinion because everyone else seems to think so too. They won’t let your brain stay in neutral gear. You may not agree with them and even have blazing arguments that can clear the whole room, but at the end they will elevate you as a person, thinker, leader, and human. Everyone needs at least one friend who inspires them to read, to think, to not be afraid of ideas and opinions, and to never stop trying to be better.

2.      Someone who knows how to say No to you, but nicely: There is the well-known truism that you should never be surrounded by yes men, and fate of many a dictator provides evidence for that proposition. Those cheerleaders are awesome to have around, but will hide the truth from you all the way till the point when it’s too late to correct the situation. And so, you need at least some critics around you but you should choose people who know how to say no or give feedback in a way that doesn’t feel like a street-side beating. I can testify that in the corporate world there are far too many who pride themselves on “telling it like it is” and being “honest and candid”, but it’s really just another way of saying “I don’t have the time to care about you or how you feel”. So-called frank people are actually just rude and insensitive jerks. However, there are people who can tell you the truth but also know how to deliver the package. They aren’t softies but they aren’t always carrying a bull-whip either. They care enough to give you tough feedback and stop you from making stupid choices, but also care enough to appreciate how much it will hit you. Everyone needs at least one friend who tells them the full truth but stays on in the room after that.

That said, your writer has also painfully noted that not all friends who hung around over the years are good for you, and I’m not referring to obviously bad characters like those who were dishonest, disloyal, drunks, junkies, and Netflix-password-stealers. Disregarding these obviously avoidable semi-criminal types, there are some who are deceptively bad. They actually feel good to have around but are in fact either steering your life the wrong way or simply holding you back at a wrong and regressive place. These are the folks who are often nice people, sometimes wonderfully charming and such a joy to meet for a Sunday brunch. But here’s the thing, deep-fried food also makes you feel so good, but you know by now what happens when you eat it every day. These folks are the delicious cream-loaded sugar-bombed rich chocolate pastries of your life. It’s time to start cutting back.

1.      Someone who is always in debt: I’m not referring to debt that can’t be avoided like student loans, housing loans, medical loans, though not being able to pay off those for longer than usual also says something about the debtor. I’m referring to good old forms of crappy debt like personal loans and credit card debt for that one more pair of shoes, suits, dinners or vacations. If someone seems to be in perpetual debt of that sort, then this is a case of someone not in control of their lives and, more importantly, refusing to be. Impulse control is definitely an issue here, with a big dollop of lack of responsibility. You might be drawn to these types because you probably feel sorry for them and would like to help them. This is your best friend from college who was always bumming a smoke or a pizza slice of you. He’s not a bad dude, he even has a job and a steady girlfriend. He has his life together, but just needs a little help occasionally. Maybe his mess of a life makes you feel better about your own. But after decades of practice, they feel no remorse or shame in asking for help. No one needs a friend who sucks them financially and lacks the willingness or even the basic decency to ever stop. Stick a leach on your neck, and it would still be healthier.

2.      Someone who dreams big and does nothing: You love this guy because he fills you with hope and excitement for the world. There you are, holding down a regular 9-to-5 job in that soulless MNC giant, whereas your friend is coming up with the most brilliant world-changing ideas. He travels and reads and meets exciting and powerful people, and is always on cusp of starting the next Google, or something even bigger. This chap is nearly irresistible and someday you will bask in his reflected glow when he gets anointed as the next Jobs or Musk. But here’s the catch – none of his ideas have ever worked. In fact, all his ideas were way too futuristic or unrealistic to have worked. This tribe of people - and their numbers have grown rapidly since the first dotcom boom - like the dreaming part but not the doing part. They like the adulation but not the responsibility. They like the power and connections, but not the real relationships. You are an enabler for them, and here’s a hard truth – you’re not their friend and never will be. They prefer the powerful and well-connected, not average jimbos like you who are satisfied with one car and one home. Right now, he’s mooching off you just for the free meals and cheap applause. Ask him for a favour and see if he comes through. Chances are, he has a 'thing' that day with a big investor.

If you don’t have such people in your life, then congratulations on your good decisions and good fortune. Then again, some of you may have such friends but to a lesser degree and not quite as florid as I described above, but there are definitely those who you do not need. It is not a good sign if the only justification for a friendship is “s/he makes me feel good.” When you can’t think of any reason other than that then that’s a huge red flag accompanied by red lights and screaming sirens, to do something about it. The solution is not to pick up the phone suddenly and tell them it’s over and ask them do something to themselves that would be anatomically impossible. Instead start replacing time with them with other activities and relationships. If you’re free, there’s the risk of falling back in with him/her. Start filling up your time with hobbies you always wanted to take up, or best of all, just spend more time with the ‘good’ friends that you have. Stay connected with these good friends, speak to them regularly, meet up for a meal or a coffee, keep track of what’s happening in their lives. If time is indeed money, then these are Apple, Google, and Berkshire Hathaway. Buy as much as of them as you can whenever you can – even your kids will gain from your returns. Good investments will eventually push the liabilities out of your life, but only if you let it.