Twins: how do they experience parental separation?

Having worked with a few twins who have experienced their parents separation, we notice a tendency for them to be labelled as the 'good' and the 'bad' twin. But just because they were once ‘womb mates’ it doesn’t mean they’re identical. In fact, they represent the ‘yin’ and the ‘yang’ and are bound to display their own unique characters and have different reactions - just perhaps not quite as polarised as on first impression.

Twins definately have their own distinctive personalities. Although they have the same genetic makeup and once shared a womb, they will be different and will therefore need differing support. They inevitably get compared and one thing we notice is the 'good' and 'bad' twin dichotomy does play out, depending on what both parents favour and value.

As twins they have to share their parents, time, attention and compliments, so demonstrating fairness and equity is even more important for them. While one twin is enjoying screen time, the other will likely be snatching the device off them! One can ‘flip’ as the other ‘flops’.

So what happens for twins in the context of their parents separation or divorce? Well as their personalities differ, so do their reactions. One can 'explode', showing a lot of anger in a volcanic way and be more demanding of a parent, as the other goes quiet and seems to be internalising a lot and you may wonder what is going on for them.

On the whole, parents worry about the volcanic ‘bad’ one and will view them as the one to be concerned about and needing to be more supported. We think both will require different support and possibly specialist child counselling if needed. It is the 'good' one that is seen as OK and the louder/angry one as not. However, it may be that the louder one is voicing the discontent felt by both twins and simply acting as the ‘spokesperson'.

As for the quieter one, they may need to let it out in a different way too. Twins not too dissimilarly take on the roles that siblings do in a family and have an inclination towards a preferred emotional outlook.

One can be the sad one - more tearful and sensitive and the other the angry one, more explosive, more honest and ready to express their feelings and reactions.

So how do you work with both these children in tandem? Fairness is important but treating them equally is not always easy in practice. As with any child, a parent learns to respond and work with each of their children's personalities and needs. Similarly, with twins - it's just that they may need attention at the same time and the demands of the ‘twinship’ does put considerable pressure on for some parents.

Comparisons are bound to happen and being labelled or viewed in a binary way is indeed very likely to happen in intense and stressful situations. Talking to their emotional brain and acknowledging what is happening for them helps to process their feelings.

Play is also very therapeutic for children who need ‘time-out’ and enables them to project their emotions onto toys, drawings and games to help them unblock emotions. Doing a silly angry dance at home to some wild music can help them to release the cortisol (the stress hormone) and then perhaps having a chat later helps them process, acknowledge and express their more difficult emotions.

Proposing to the quieter child that they can leave notes under your pillow or creating a ‘worry box’ for them to leave messages in is a helpful idea. You can then talk about the message later or hold on to it for them until they are ready.

Finding plenty of imaginative and resourceful ways to open up the more difficult arena of emotions helps children to self-regulate and to face their emotions rather than avoiding them. They are then able to digest them in a healthy manner. Indeed, these will be essential tools for life.