Twenty Things To Do If You Want No Loyal Customers. Ever.

Customers, clients, subscribers, users- the nomenclature doesn't matter. Customers are the lifeblood of any business. Satisfied customers remain fickle- abandoning you for a lower price, a new feature, or swayed away by a golf outing. The work in customer acquisition, implementation, and delivery- POOF! Gone.

Customer LOYALTY is the benchmark for relationship health. Will a satisfied customer forgive an error? Maybe. Will a loyal customer forgive an error? Yes- and will dedicate time and resources to help you with root cause analysis and corrective action so that you don't repeat that error.

What if your company doesn't want the revenue stability of a loyal customer base? What if you don't want your customers to get tattoos of your logo (ala Harley Davidson) or post pictures of your dinner/newest phone/car on Instagram, as you see with Nobu/Apple/Tesla? Maybe you want to prove that you can have a successful business (and bottom line) without those pesky customers. Ok, then, renegade- this edition of Twenty Things is for you!

Here is your blueprint to "successfully" eliminating your customer base:

1. Overpromise and underdeliver: Setting unrealistic expectations and failing to meet them damages trust and loyalty. You could start by hiring salespeople who are less-than-truthful and give them free rein to lie away to meet short-term revenue numbers. Heck of a start.
2. Ignore feedback: Failing to listen to customer feedback prevents improvement and shows disregard for customer opinions. This is your key to disenfranchising the customers (and your employees, by the way, but that won't matter. You won't need pesky employees, either, once we get that giant albatross (CUSTOMERS) out from around our neck). Which brings us to...
3. Provide poor customer service: Rude or unhelpful customer service representatives drive customers away faster than a rat scurrying across the dining room floor of a fast food joint. Tell your front line to ensure that they are focused on their phones when a customer is in front of them. Virtual engagements? Even better! Mute and multi-task, baby! When the customer gets upset at the inattention, act annoyed. I mean, you are scrolling through TikTok! Aren't they interrupting you at the end of the day?
4. Neglect customer needs: Ignoring individual customer preferences and needs alienates them. Customers asking for low-fat items on the menu? Bah. Double the fat. Are clients asking for faster sprints? Show them the diagram (speed-money-quality; pick two!) and ask them what doesn't make sense. The customer asked for an expedited delivery? Heh. If they want it any faster, they should come pick it up themselves, amirite?
5. Fail to personalize interactions: Personalization enhances the customer experience and fosters loyalty. First off, to personalize interactions, you need to have interactions. That seems like way too much work. Point them to the FAQ link on your site and walk away/hang up/otherwise ignore them.
6. Be inconsistent: Inconsistent quality or service leads to uncertainty and dissatisfaction. This is the tactic of choice when you not only want to alienate your customers but gaslight them at the same time. Oh, Ellen delivered this in one hour last week? And now we are giving you an estimate of seven days? Are you sure that you meant "our" Ellen? Because we don't deliver something like this in one hour. Once you get your customer to grudgingly accept the lower standard, exceed expectations by delivering even later! Do a 180 on the next call and fix something in real-time- while the customer is on the phone!! They won't know what to do.
7. Disregard loyal customers: Neglecting loyal customers in favor of acquiring new ones diminishes loyalty. And isn't that what we want? Loyal customers equate to less client acquisition costs- which is not how salespeople make bonuses, duh. Churn them and burn them to make those revenue goals!
8. Make it difficult to contact support: Complex or inaccessible support channels frustrate customers. Get rid of contact info on your website, invoices, and anywhere you have it listed. Leave sales contact info intact. They will get the hint that you are only interested in speaking with new clients and eventually stop bugging you with their needy selves.
9. Mislead with advertising: Misleading advertising erodes trust and loyalty- so do it a LOT. False stats, made-up testimonials, and motor oil substituting as chocolate sauce, it is all fundamental to getting rid of loyal customers.
10. Underestimate the competition: Failing to keep up with competitors' offerings can result in losing customers, and we say LET 'EM TAKE THEM! Let them deal with the whining and the "you are failing to meet my needs" conversations as if we are in a relationship or something. Addition through subtraction, baby.
11. Fail to reward loyalty: Not offering incentives or rewards for loyal customers discourages repeat business, so don't offer a dang thing. Pretend they are lucky to do business with you instead, like scoring a Hermes bag.
12. Be unresponsive: Ignoring customer inquiries or complaints demonstrates a lack of care and damages loyalty. It is really easy to ignore customers once you get into the groove. The more enraged the customer becomes, the more fun it is to blow them off.
13. Ignore social media: Neglecting social media channels for engagement and support can lead to negative sentiment- and that is what we are striving for here! The "X" in X stands for "Xing you out!"
14. Prioritize sales over relationships: Focusing solely on making sales without building relationships diminishes loyalty and causes resentment. But old clients smell like nursing homes! Don't you want that new client smell? Sales comes first!
15. Fail to adapt to changing needs: Failing to evolve with changing customer preferences and trends can result in losing relevance. So here is what you do- ignore the customer. No need to respond to your failure!
16. Compromise on product quality: Sacrificing quality for cost savings harms reputation and loyalty. Mixed feelings here- shrinkflation has us paying more for less product, but we still do it for our favorite brands (not without griping, but still). Still, if you aren't delivering stuff that even Temu would say is too cheap, you just aren't trying hard enough.
17. Fail to train staff: Inadequately trained staff provide poor service, damaging loyalty. Never invest in training your people. Use that money for a pizza party instead.
18. Make it difficult to leave: Imposing cumbersome cancellation processes creates frustration and resentment. We want customer attrition, but we are not trying to make it toooo easy. What is the fun of that? Wait until your fifth BBB complaint to even look into it.
19. Disregard complaints: Ignoring or dismissing customer complaints breeds dissatisfaction and undermines loyalty, so our advice would be to laugh at those complaints and go about your day. Customers are meant to be seen, not heard from.
20. Lack of transparency: Being secretive or deceptive about policies, pricing, or practices erodes trust and loyalty. Tell them nothing. Show them nothing. There is a little man behind the curtain and he is not showing you jack.

There is a sarcastic tone to this Twenty Things, which is intentional. Customers are hard to come by and harder to keep. Customers require an extra level of service that endears them to remain loyal to your company- and you should endeavor to earn that loyal relationship with every interaction. Focus on the customer to earn that treasured loyalty and see your business soar.