How to turn table on Disappointments and Failures?

When our dreams don’t come true right away, we may wonder to ourselves, “Is God testing me?” I know I used to. Then it dawned on me that it is not that God is testing me. Rather, I first need to become the kind of person that can walk into, and live the dream that I am desiring. For me this meant, learning to be vulnerable, letting go of perfectionism, asking for help, and surrendering to the knowingness in my heart. I write about my experience in my book, Overcoming Fear and Failure - A practical guide for women.

Today’s interview is literally about falling down 11 times and rising again.

Meet Alison Bucklin, who is a Sales and Marketing Representative and a Health & Wellness Coach. Her mission is to empower other busy professionals with the tools to improve your health, mindset, & purpose so that they can create a life by design and leave a legacy for future generations.

Alison’s journey included the disappointment and the trauma of 11 fertility attempts and 1 miscarriage to become a mom. In this interview, she shares what kept her going in spite of multiple failures and how this experience fundamentally altered into a more open, resilient, vulnerable, and a strong voice that she has become. Read on to learn more.

Question: You shared about personal trauma of 11 failed fertility attempts. First and foremost, I want to know what kept you going after 11 repeated failures. Did you ever think that you had tried enough?

Alison: I always knew I wanted to be a mom. When we began using fertility, it was all very scary and unknown, but yet a renewed sense of hope about this being our time to make our dreams come true and become parents. 

I remember when I began fertility, I just knew in my heart that it was going to work…and then it didn’t. In my third attempt, I finally got the positive pregnancy test I had been praying for. It was the most incredible feeling ever!!! I was over the moon excited until at our 10-week ultrasound appointment, no heartbeat was detected, and my husband and I experienced the most horrific heartache we had ever experienced up until this time. Despite the devastation, what kept me going was hope and the sheer knowing in my heart that I was meant to be a mom. I’m very faith driven and knew that God wouldn’t have placed this dream on my heart if it wasn’t meant to come true and that while I was doing everything, we could to make it happen that it was all meant to be when it was supposed to be. 

After 9 failed IUI attempts, I decided to try IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and started the intensive process of injecting myself daily with different medications. In late 2012, I had my 11th fertility attempt. 6 days late I remember waking up early and taking a pregnancy test and didn’t see a line, so I threw the test away and went back to sleep. When I woke back up, I ended up taking the test out of the trash and looking again and saw the faintest line which meant I was definitely pregnant!!! I immediately burst out crying because I knew in my heart that this was it! I probably took about 15 tests in between then and my blood test to be sure!!! In 2013, I had my miracle baby, Evelyn Dorothy Bucklin, and I’d do everything over again in a heartbeat because she was worth the wait and the heartache, the tears, the doubt, the fear and the strength and the courage it took to get her!

Question: Were you every afraid that your dream might not come true? How did you overcome the feelings of failure after each unsuccessful fertility attempts? 

Answer: Yes, I was afraid that my dream might not come true, but I didn’t let that consume me. Looking back I realize that at each failed attempt I gave myself the time to grieve and be upset in the moment of failure, but I then I very quickly switched my mindset to hope for the next attempt. Just keep going, just keep going I would feel and hear and now I know that it was the voice of my intuition which kept me going. 

Question: What were your predominant emotions during this traumatic experience and how did you handle them, as this must have been an emotional roller-coaster ride? 

Alison: My predominant emotions were all over the place from fear, doubt, hope, scarcity, elation, wonder, sadness, and anxiety It was an extremely emotional roller-coaster ride, the ups, and downs along the way and the twists and turns. I’m still feeling the effects today actually. Through the traumatic experience I had so many let downs and so what I’ve recently realized is that this experience had shaped me to the core and had programmed my mindset to almost expect a letdown. I have to mind my mind all the time as I reach for and strive to achieve the other dreams that God has placed on my heart, and I know that my past will not predict my future and that whatever goal I am striving for, the other shoe is not going to drop. It takes work to form new thought patterns and so I work every single day on filling my mindset with the right positive self-talk messages!

Question: What are the top 3 lessons that this experience taught you? And do you use these lessons in your daily life? 

Alison: This experience taught me that:

1. I am resilient. 
2. I am worthy. 
3. God does not put a dream in my heart if it isn’t meant to be fulfilled. 

I use each of these lessons in my daily life now because since this experience I have had so many other let downs and life lessons and setbacks, and other stuff that is part of life! Learning that I am resilient, worthy and that my dreams will come true keeps me fighting!!! My mess is my message!  

Question: For anyone struggling with repeated failures (be it personal or professional), what is one message that you would like with the readers?

Alison: Attitude is everything. Our attitude is a choice. It’s how we respond when things happen to us that makes all the difference in the world. Don’t quit!  If God has placed a dream on your heart it is meant to be fulfilled. Most people quit just before their breakthrough so don’t quit. Talk about your struggles, talk about your story as it is medicine for our soul. Focus on the positive and what lessons you have learned. Encourage others and lift them up because kindness is infectious. Spend time every day learning about yourself and growing yourself. Mindset is everything! Feed your mindset with positive messages and the right self-talk.  You are meant for greatness and life is too short to not go for what it is that you want in life. I’m so grateful that I never quit.

Question: In retrospect, have your thoughts changed about uncertainty and disappointment? If so, how? 

Alison: My thoughts have definitely evolved over time, and I often keep coming back to uncertainty really, so I’m glad you asked this. There is only so much within our control, right? The majority of things are outside of our control…like the future! I’ve learned through my experiences, that while we can’t predict the future, we can control our attitude about our experiences and how we respond to them. Whenever I find myself doubting or fearing something, the serenity prayer is usually something that brings me peace. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” My experiences have given me courage in knowing that if I can get through this, then I can get through anything! Disappointment will come but remaining true to my faith in God’s plan while keeping a positive attitude, and helping others along the way makes it so much easier to handle.

In conclusion, whether your challenge is personal or professional, remember that:

• Faith can move mountains so trust when a dream is placed in your Heart, it will come to pass. Trust what you know deep inside your heart
• Connect with your WHY when you feel lost or the odds seem stacked against you
• Have a support system. Talk to your family, your friends about your experience. Don’t stuff your emotions. Don’t suffer in silence.

You can connect with Alison Bucklin on LinkedIn, Instagram and Facebook.

__________________________________________________________________________

?? If you would like to be featured in this series, nominate your colleagues or if you have any questions or suggestions, please drop in a line at [email protected]