Turning Strangers Into Friends

My Mother used to say “Mark never met a stronger…”?That used to make me smile.?When I was five years old, we lived in Yokohama, Japan. My mother loved “Showtunes” (The King and I, Westside Story, Oklahoma).?I was enamored of Yul Brenner’s portrayal of the The King of Siam.?There is even a picture of me with my pajama top open, right hand up in the air, imitating “the king” (evidently saying, “Etc., Etc., and so forth”)?My favorite song on that soundtrack was “Getting to Know You” sung brilliantly by Deborah Kerr:

“It's a very ancient saying, But a true and honest thought,?That if you become a teacher, By your pupils you'll be taught. As a teacher I've been learning, You’ll forgive me if I boast,?And I've now become an expert, On the subject I like most. Getting to know you, Getting to know you, Getting to know all about you,Getting to like you, Getting to hope you like me, Getting to know you.?Putting it my way, But nicely, You are precisely, My cup of tea.”

What follows are Seven Simple Strategies to turning strangers into friends.?They are timeless and reflect the human condition, at once both personal and universal.

1. Become Genuinely Interested in Other People.?My high school German Teacher Susan Hall taught me, “Everyone has a story.?Your job is find out what that story is.”?It turns out, you can make more friends in five minutes being genuinely interested in other people, than you can in five years trying to get them interested in you!?Follow a simple formula:?C.I.A. = Compliment Them; Introduce Yourself; Ask an Open Ended Question (like “So how did you and your husband meet?” and then be sincerely interested in the answer!?Introduce yourself and then say, “What a great story.?You two make a great couple.”
2. Smile.?Did you know it takes 13 facial muscles to smile, 47 to frown??Evidently, most people don’t mind the extra work!?I met basketball icon Magic Johnson recently in Las Vegas.?He has always had a 1,000 watt smile in this 75 watt world.?His smile is sincere, continuous and contagious.?He genuinely loves people and is always glad to meet you.?Why not smile more??Take a look around, pay attention to how we try to make babies smile.?Play “Peek-a-boo” with every 18-month old you meet and see how it makes you feel.?You will make everyone else around you smile.?It’s universal.
3. Remember Other People’s Names.?The sweetest sound in every language is the sound of our name crossing the lips of others.?The cigarette king of North Carolina James Buchanan Duke donated $60,000,000 in the twenties to little Trinity College to change their name to Duke University!?(The stretch between Duke and North Carolina Universities is called “Tobacco Row” for a reason!)?It’s the greatest compliment when someone important or famous remembers our name.?My friend Alex Carney once shared a simple way to find out someone’s name you have forgotten, he smiles, reaches out his hand and says:?“We have met before, Alex Carney”.?They always shake his hand and tell him their name.?Simple. Smart.?
4. Dominate the Listening!? That sounds like an oxymoron, you know, like “Back Up Forward” or “Jumbo Shrimp”.?I have earned more business the last forty years by simply asking Open Ended Questions (WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, HOW and WHY?) and sitting back to listen.?People tell me things they don’t tell their barber, banker or best friend!?We have two ears, two eyes and one mouth.?God is a genius.?Why don’t we listen more??Ego, Pride, Vanity, Fear.?I play a game on airplanes, “Can I get my seat mate to talk for 30 minutes without them knowing they are doing all the talking?”?I win every time!
5. Talk in Terms of Other People’s Interests.?When my wife listens to someone she remembers everything.?One day, I heard her ask a woman at church, “How is your daughter’s leg?”?Evidently, some months back, this lady’s daughter had broken her leg.?The woman was touched she remembered.?When you listen, pay attention to the things the other person is concerned about, passionate about.?What is their hot button??When their face lights up and the volume increases, what exactly is most important to them??Remember it.?Bring it up later.
6. Make the Other Person Feel Important.?Pay attention to the other person’s body language, pay attention to their clothes.?I like baseballl caps as a way to discover their passions.?Whenever I see a Boston Red Sox or Oakland Raiders or Lakers cap, I comment or praise the success of that organization.?Their face lights up and they talk about it with great joy.?The secret is to be sincerely interested and say, “How did you come to be a fan of that team?” then sit back and listen.?It’s Magic (Pardon the pun!)
7. Master the Art of Improv.?There is big difference between “YES And…” and “NO But…”?YES And is being Other Centered and keeps the spotlight on others.?It attracts others to us.?NO But is a competition that pushes people away.?YES And means you have developed the habit of Observing, Acknowledging and Heightening.?It’s what Improv Pioneer Del Close taught at Second City in Chicago.?Simply say what you see or hear.?YES And attracts abundance, joy and faith.?NO But creates lack, scarcity and fear.?Stop competing (NO) and start creating (YES).

I just downloaded “The King and I” soundtrack.?Man, that Deborah Kerr had a set of pipes.?When I listen to that song, I’m five years old again in Japan.?Thanks Mum!?

Mark Matteson, Best Selling Author, International Speaker To order one of my books, go to: www.sparkingsuccess.net/store?

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