Turning Pain Into Purpose.

I grew up in a town called Swindon in Wiltshire, with my Mother, Father and siblings, Paul, my elder brother by a year, and Claire, my younger sister by a year.

I grew up in the '80s on a rough council estate, it wasn't easy, times were tough when I was in my teens. I was subjected to many traumatic experiences from being mugged at 14 years old, to seeing my mother and father beaten up. There was something within me that knew something wasn't right, that this wasn't how life was supposed to be, or feel. It felt wrong like there was a lack of true authentic love.

We lived in a 3-bed terraced council house in a notoriously rough and poverty-stricken part of Swindon. I shared a bedroom with my brother, who I always thought was slightly odd as he used to listen to Heavy Metal, I, on the other hand, listened to rave music, so it's easy to see why I thought he was odd, I'm also sure he would have said the same about me. I have many fond memories from my younger years, it wasn't all bad.

We often used to visit my Aunt in the summer holidays, the never-ending summers as a child were incredibly hot in the early '80s. My Aunt lived In Barry Island, on the steepest hill in the town, and her house is quite famous, it's the house where the filming for 'Gavin and Stacey' took place, the hit sitcom took. It was my favourite holiday destination.

I remember Nick Kershaw, A-HA and Madonna playing on the radio; I guess I'm showing my age now.

My brother and I used to hang out with the same people in our early teens, I can remember my brother had a 'Raleigh Chopper', and I had a 'Raleigh Grifter' they were both found in a skip by my father. They were always breaking down, on many occasion my brother would be swearing and kicking his bike, until one day he literally threw it in a bush and left it there.

They were great times, that was until we both approached our last years in school, that's when our tastes in music and friends changed.

On the morning of Friday the 13 of September 1991, around 7 am my brother, asked if I would like to meet him at Akers Way in Swindon later that evening. It was a few miles away from where we lived, it's is a lovely area of Swindon, lots of open space with grassy areas along a relatively straight road, it's roughly 3 miles in length and halfway along is a roundabout that heads into an industrial estate. The reason my brother asked me to meet him was it was his partners 18th birthday. I knew he probably had something beautiful planned, as he too just wanted to be loved, and he and showed it by giving it to others.

I would never see my brother again after that morning.

"I'll remember that day for the rest of my life."

Later that evening he was tragically killed, along with four other children, by a reckless drunk driver in the Akers Way horror crash in Swindon. Paula Barnes, 15, Belinda Brown, 19, Paul Carr, 16, Sheree Lear, eight, and seven-year-old Ian Lilley were playing on the grassed area off Akers Way when driver Shaun Gooch lost control of his car at high speed and crashed into the group of youngsters. The tragedy shook the community and provoked fury among campaigners who had long been calling for a lower speed limit and other safety measures on the road. My life and my families were torn apart.

After the death of my brother, my father declined the help and support of professional interventions and help, that also meant we didn't receive any either. I was a troubled child before this had happened and 15 years old in 1991.

I didn't deal or process the death of my brother in the conventional sense, I began to associate with people that 'got me'. Many of them just like me, in situations and environments that mirrored my own.

My father was going through his own grieving process and wasn't coping very well, the family was falling apart, the arguments became quite severe, none of us really knew at the time it was trauma playing out.

Less than a year later my mother father divorced. At 16 years old I was losing all control of my life, and my father couldn't deal with my erratic behaviour, he told me that he didn't want me living at the family home any longer and that he wanted me to leave. I was 16 years old with no clue about money, finances or the world, and I was being told I had to leave the family home. This hit me like a brick.

I was working at a Printers on a Y.T.S. scheme earning ￡50 a week, I couldn't afford a flat, and I wasn't living with strangers.

I was told my local council would be able to help support me, which they actually did, but I still had no clue about finances, and so I started purchasing things on Hire Purchase that I really could afford. I lost contact with my Mother, Father and Sister. I couldn't hold onto any form of relationship for long periods due to the fear of loss and rejection, and as fast as I was gaining friends, jobs and relationships, I was losing them.

During my early 30's, things started to look up for me. I made contact with my father again and asked if I could come home to save for a house, I was so pleased when he said that I could. I was doing exceptionally well at this point, working as a Business Development Manager for a well known corporate organisation; I had my own house, car, and was in a happy relationship. At this point, I became a bit of a socialite, always out with friends parting and drinking at weekends.

On one particular night out I was introduced to cocaine, I had one line and that was it, I was hooked.

I started taking cocaine every day, I liked how it made me feel, even if it was short-lived. It allowed me a tempory escape to the real-world problems I wasn't dealing with.

I would eventually take out 20k equity out of my house to feed my habit.

I quit my job, lost my partner, pushed my friends away, stopped paying the mortgage.

I sold everything in my house to feed the habit.

Then came the repossession order and eviction notice I had to place in the window of my house so that every person that passed could read it. I remember at one point sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor of my house where I had sold everything to feed my habit. What I didn't realise is this at the time was this was all the unresolved trauma fighting too come out of me, and I wasn't aware of it.

I've had and lost many jobs due to not being able to be honest with myself or others because of the underlying trauma, had I known then what I know now my life would be so different, and maybe I'd still be working for them.

The house was eventually repossessed; I became homeless and was living on the streets. An old friend would come across me whilst I was living rough and offered to help me back on my feet.

How did I let my life get this way?

I was a homeless drug addict with nothing more than what I was wearing to my name. My habit continues until I was 39 years old, flitting in and out of jobs, unable to concentrate or forge any lasting relationships. I couldn't stop what I was doing to myself until one day I pushed it too far.

With a concoction of drugs & alcohol, including Cocaine, Methadrone, & legal highs, I attempted to take my life.

I attempted suicide three times before I reached out for help.

I forced myself into confessing everything to my doctor, this took almost 39 years of suffering. I sat in her office, shaking, barely being able to speak, and said 'Please, Please, help me, I can't go on like this, I don't want to live like this, ......... I'm a drug addict'.

That was it, I had said it out loud, and burst into tears. I also felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

I was diagnosed with; Childhood trauma, Anxiety, Depression, Stress, Addiction and borderline PTSD. This would start a process of therapy & clinical help, from Counselling, N.L.P., C.B.T., Hypnosis, Self and Personal Development.

"When you hit rock bottom it offers you a chance to start from scratch".

The catalyst for change, or should I say that 'aha' moment was remembering all the good times I had as a child, the money in the bank, the holidays (before cocaine addiction). The house that was 'MINE', the friends I pushed away, the love I almost had, the unfulfilled dreams of who I could be. I believe my ego died that night, I believe I have a spiritual awakening, and what I thought was the end of the world was actually the start of a new life, one where I had to find out who actually was.

"I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to end."

There are mixed views on suicide, people say things like it's selfish, or he/she must've been mad/crazy, that simply isn't true, or the case, take it from somebody with lived experience. The last thing you are is selfish, you are actually putting everybody else before you, and that's the problem, you forget about yourself, you want to make everybody else happy, giving until you have nothing left to give. Your life isn't your own as you are always trying to do the best for everybody else.

"What I thought was a breakdown was actually a breakthrough."

I was offered medication from my G.P., of which I declined, I wanted to take the holistic approach and find out what was going on in my mind, I wasn't prepared to mask things any further with prescription drugs. This is why I chose to go walk the length of Britain, to find out what help was available for me, and people like me who were suffering from Mental Health issues.

It was the start of my reawakening, the beginning of my healing journey.

Today I'm no longer stuck or living in the past. I chose to confront my demons head-on. I chose the path of conscious awareness.

I decided to take a look into my education, everything I thought I knew was wrong, I knew my education and programming from an early age wasn't serving me any longer, I had to relearn everything from scratch, to rebuild my life, take responsibility for myself and create whom I wanted to be.

I believe that there is the energy behind everything, something bigger than me, that something saved me that day. I don't think there to be a god in human form, I believe that God is a power, and it's in all of us and everything and that 'G.O.D.' has a purpose for us all.

"My transition to consciousness after the failed suicide attempts was so incredibly painful but necessary."

My story of inspiration has been broadcasted on B.B.C. and ITV news, nearly every B.B.C. radio station in the country and every local newspaper I could find. On my return, I knew it was just the beginning of the recovery and rebuilding phase of life.

The journey of helping myself and others didn't stop at the walk; I went on to achieve the following, all in the name of mental health and self-discovery.....

• Walked from Swindon to Downing Street to deliver a report on my findings from the walk, 70 miles.
• Cycled 7 countries in Europe in 11 days, raising money for charity, 1500 miles.
• Cycled from Liverpool to Lands End raising awareness for PTSD in 4 days, 350 miles.
• Cycled from Barcelona to Paris in 7 days raising awareness for social isolation over Christmas, 700 miles.
• Cycled for Swindon to the Lake-district for Mental Health Awareness Week 2016, 280 Miles.
• Ran up Snowdonia & Coppa Mountain in 1 day raising awareness for ADHD, 40 miles.
• Ran to Buckingham Palace from Hungerford for World Mental Health day 2017, 70 miles.
• Cycled to Buckingham Palace and back in 1 day for Mental Health week 2017, 140 miles.
• Cycled to France in 4 days, 385 miles.
• Cycled non-stop for 11hrs for world bipolar day 2018.
• Created Mindcanyon the Business, delivering mental health, health and wellbeing, and Suicide First Aid workshops, as well as private and corporate coaching and talks
• · Created on online peer support group called Mindcanyon Mental Health & Mental Fitness community with nearly 11k members.
• Qualified in Counselling Skills
• Life Coaching
• Private Pilot
• One of only 69 Suicide First Aid tutors in the country

I feel fortunate to be alive, on this crazy journey through life, discovering my purpose, and to have been gifted with another chance. I've experienced total loss and despair, to be brought back into appreciative life. I'm truly grateful for life and to be living in abundance.

I believe we are here to experience life, through our flesh and bones.

"Life is truly amazing."

All of this, born out of hitting rock bottom, I'm grateful to be alive and able to inspire, help and show others recovery is possible.

I now work in freelance mental health, health and wellbeing, suicide first-aid tutoring, coaching and speaking, helping organisations and businesses with their employee wellbeing through bespoke workshops and talks.

If you are considering mental health, health and wellbeing, suicide first aid training, or would like a speaker to inspire, motivate and captivate your audience and leave I would love to speak with you, you can reach me on [email protected] or visit my website at www.mindcanyon.co.uk