Turning Connections into Relationships

In business circles and my personal life I have many connections. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands of people I have met, worked with and either stayed in touch with or rarely seen again.

What is the difference between those we remain connected with and those we choose not to?

Admittedly, circumstance and available time are relevant factors here. Who has the time and opportunity to truly stay in touch with hundreds of people? And I mean GENUINELY stay in touch...Facebook connections and Social Media 'Likes' don't count here. I am talking about real connections with people. The select few who you have chosen to speak with regularly and truly get to know. Those friends who, when you haven't see each other for a few months, feel like there has been no time between chats. It is a choice. As in most things in life we have options about where we spend our time and who with.

So, what are the contributor's to making the choice about who we want to spend our time and build deeper connections with?

For me, there are a few key elements that matter. Within my closest personal and professional circles of influence and connections there are a few traits that consistently run true. The difference in personality types and beliefs is not the point here. Thankfully, we are all different but what I have identified are consistent, key themes in those I care for the most. As my journey continues, they are becoming more and more obvious to me. Some may resonate with you.

1. My core value and the thing that matters most to me is trust. It is important that I can trust others and earn the right to be trusted in return. In my personal life and when I am coaching, leading or developing people and teams this is crucial. Without trust there is little honesty; many assumptions made through limited communication; a lack of clarity; self-doubt; questions regarding people's motivations; and other trust-negating influences. Trust is the base that everything else is built on. Although, in my mind everyone starts from the same baseline and has the same opportunity, trust is earned and lost by what we say and do every day.
2. The second trait I look for is the desire and innate willingness to make a difference. I truly believe that the vast majority of people want to contribute and understand where and how they are a small cog helping to keep the wheels turning. Organisations put up too many barriers to make this happen. So do some friends and peers. Individual traits such as denial, a lack of self-awareness, passive behaviours and blame are unfortunately all too common. They are the antithesis of what is required to be able to make a difference.
3. My third point is what I describe as people who are 'players'. I have little time for those who have been given the opportunity to excel but choose to play on the 'dark side'. Players are people who lack self-esteem, authenticity and self-belief. Often we see these and similar behaviours in bullies and sociopathic people. I truly hope that you have never had to work for someone of this ilk, but sadly many of us have. The 'player' spends more time focusing on protecting their assets, white-anting and demonstrating politically-motivated behaviours than focusing on helping others and achieving meaningful results. They work in spite of and not with people. In both personal and professional environments there is little value in this type of person and they often struggle to build real connections.
4. Values matter. 15 years ago I had little real sense of what values were. I now know that they are the absolute core of what drives my decision-making and actions. When coaching I see how values matter to my clients as well. The challenge is to take the time to dissect and understand your core values. Once established, there is power in building on this higher level of self-awareness and confidence. If this doesn't mean much to you I encourage you to spend some time looking into personal values. I am confident you will see what I mean.
5. The final attribute I look for is love. This may seem odd to many of you reading this and yes, this includes colleagues and peers at work too! We see and feel love demonstrated via a deep affection, respect, honest communication and open relationships. During my career debates have raged with other leaders about the place of emotions in the workplace, let alone something as potentially controversial as love. We are not automatons or robots. The idea of shutting your emotions off at the door is nonsense as we are human first and foremost. I understand what this means to me and why it seems out of place in business. I also believe that some of you reading this will understand its context.

I am extremely fortunate to have worked with and be working with others currently who have helped me to grow and who I have assisted in their careers and personal lives. This is a result of developing deep relationships. Only this week I launched a new business with two partners, Sharon Sharland and Louise Healy. For me the only reason we have worked for over 18 months to get Connect Alliance up and running is because of who my partners are not just what they know or their work history.

A colleague of mine, Luke Ahern, was a support and mentor for me for many years whilst we worked together for a global company - a friendship that stands true today. My wife Julie has these elements in spades as do my closest friends Gary, Leigh and Richard. The characteristics are consistent and non-negotiable. But, it works both ways. This standard applies as sincerely for myself as it does for my acquaintances and friends.

These relationships started from nothing but a hand-shake and a hello, yet have morphed into meaningful and mutually beneficial friendships. There have been many opportunities in the past that I have walked (or ran!!) away from based on a lack of the attributes above. When the opportunity is taken to learn more about each other, what drives and motivates us, what we care most about and when we understand who we are, then relationships flourish.

Take the time to get to know others well. Connect. Move some of those relationships from acquaintances to friendship. It takes effort but the rewards for all involved are enormous.

What matters most to you in your closest relationships?

My business, CoachStation, is dedicated to assisting business through development of leaders and their team members. If you share similar interests and passions as myself and wish to connect with me on LinkedIn, please send me an invite.

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