Turn over a new leaf

Messy, Careless, and Disorganized

This is how my friends living by themselves would describe me when I will stay over at their places. This continued until I owned the responsibility to be by myself at a place other than my home. I took the step to experience the independence and freedom of being watched by none and be whatever the chuck I want to be. The walls would stare at me with disdain for being ignorant of their existence. I lived at this place for 4 crucial months of my encounter at being by myself emotionally, and in isolation, mostly moving out only in the mid hour of the night, when none of my friends would have plans to stay over at the place. Let me tell you, sleeping alone as an adult in a place is as scary as moving around in the darkness as a toddler.

When you live alone in a place, it can either be the worst experience of your life or could turn out to be the best phase of your growth as a person. Albeit for me, the former stayed for the majority of the time as I was going through some drastic changes around, but the last few weeks were the days of acceptance and compassion.

Suddenly I have started organizing and cleaning and keeping things where they should be as I read somewhere that your surrounding can have a huge impact on your mental health and can even improve your negative thought patterns. You can better organize your thoughts if you are sitting in an organized space. How often do we not care about such small things?

I also attribute this turn of events to a stark realization that‘’ Probably this failure that I am self-sabotaging myself for is due to my habit of not taking care of small things that to me look insignificant but turn out to make a huge difference in the long run”.

Let me tell you I am pathetic at taking care of my belongings. I have lost 4 Ear Buds in the last 4 months, a pair of glasses, n number of sunglasses, more than 10 rings, and lost a phone too lol.

But I have been working on this last weakness on the list and improving at a not-so-insignificant rate.

These habits of ignoring the small things and being disorganized diffuse into other domains of your life. The disorganization and ignorance towards small things make their way into your thoughts and expression. Those cold words that you spit out in anger that you attribute as you never mean them were insignificant to you but not to the person receiving them. Those acts of dripping frustration from other areas of life onto someone you love or your family may look insignificant today and just a mood swing but when they will sum up, they will lead you towards the abyss.

I finally decided to be mindful of the place I am going to spend the majority of my day and that too for an indefinite period at that time. I decided to keep it clean and organized so that at least they give me some positivity if I can’t do that consciously. I started keeping track of where I keep things and stuff and, in a few weeks, I found myself obsessing over the same. It helped me in two ways-

·????????I saved myself from overthinking on my couch around the mess I am in physically and mentally.

·????????I started to feel better with the thought that Yes, I am working on getting better at the things I am not good at rather than sticking to that dull thought bubble,” That is just how I am”.

Today I feel as connected to the place I spent my best or worst days at as much as I do with the people, I spent it with. These places welcome me with a hell lot of memories when they see me feeling desolate due to the new person who is not taking care of them as much as I did lmao.

I look at them, they look at me and we go on the rollercoaster of flashbacks of not only love, friendships, drinks, conversations, absurd acts, and crazy moves but also aloofness, disappointments, unending waits, silences, nightmares, insomnias, and emotional incubuses.

But most of it all they look to me as infused with life, experiences, and learnings.

When you become independent your close surrounding have a huge impact on you as an individual. If they are infused with positivity, you will gain a positive outlook toward the problems bothering you today. It's better to clean the mess in and around rather than stay in the same mindset and vicinity.

I will culminate with the thoughts that keep a close watch on your room, flat, home, or whatsoever space you spend your special and most of the time at because they are the ones keeping track of your struggles and growth as a human being. They were there when you were not there for them and they will be there even when you will leave them moving on with life. And the best thing is they will welcome you with open arms filled with memories whenever you will look back at them.