Turn Blame-And-Threat Into Appreciate-And-Suggest (9.3)
Fred Kofman
Executive Coach | President at Conscious Business Center International - CBC
There's no such thing as
'the hole is on your side of the boat'
The paradox in performance improving conversations is that in order for us to work better together we have to tell each other things that may create stress in our relationship.
As I discussed here, in order to act we must feel the gap between what we have and what we want, between what is and what we want it to be. This gap creates a tension that, just like the tension between the poles of a battery, gives us the energy to act. But this action also creates stress and the desire to relax the tension by unconscious means such as blame or avoidance.
The typical blaming move is to give "negative feedback" in a judgmental, patronizing and arrogant way. To start with criticism, follow with orders and end with threats is not effective. "It's your fault. You broke it, so you better fix it!" is a really bad way to go. We're on the same boat; we float or we sink together.
A much better way is to start with appreciation, follow that with suggestions and end with an agreement. In this video you can find how to do it.
Should you have any difficulty viewing the video please click here to view on Slideshare.
Readers: What do you appreciate about the way one of your colleagues works with you, and what would make that collaboration even better in your view?
Fred Kofman is Vice President at Linkedin. This post is part 9.3 of Linkedin's Conscious Business Program. To find the introduction and full structure of this program visit Conscious Business Academy. To stay connected and get updates please and join our Conscious Business Friends group. Follow Fred Kofman on LinkedIn here.
Head of People and OD and Non Executive Director (Solace)
5 年I have never learned before about the use of I when giving praise. This really hit home. The use of I is what makes it personal, and therefore special and rapport building in the relationship.?
Technical Program Manager at Google
6 年This post reminds me of the time that Daniel Kahneman was teaching a class of Israeli flight instructors about improving cadet performance. Studies had shown, he said, that positive reinforcement was more effective than negative reinforcement, full stop. "That can't be true," said one instructor. "When I praise a cadet for a great performance, he usually does worse the next day. But when I berate him for a bad performance, he does better the next day!" This instructor was right about the correlation, but wrong about the causation. He only praised cadets when they'd had unusually good days, in part through luck. On average, the next day would be more average--i.e., worse. He only berated cadets on unusually bad days, where the next day, on average, would tend to be closer to the mean--i.e., better. It is easy to make the same mistake in our professional lives, as well. It is easy to slip into negative framing in these sorts of conversations, and important to avoid it.
Create. Collaborate. Community
6 年I enjoy that we are able to work together and collaborate on projects to get a task done. If we were able to get timelier information from some of the team it would make things work more smoothly.
Managing Partner, Executive Coach/Facilitator - Programs with ??, ?? and ??(in Kenya!)
6 年I appreciate how direct one of my colleagues is, and the way the ebb/flow of our interactions are - we both ask and answer and support and need. More frequent contact would make that better.?
Driven and energetic learning professional. Focus on organizational needs, big picture, collaboration, and involvement.
6 年I've got great colleagues and I know that being here longer (it's been just over three months) and working on more projects together will improve collaboration.