Tuning in to people's emotions to deepen relationships

The two proud parents were telling me about their daughter who was studying science at an overseas university. She had joined the university theatre group and was about to act in her first play.

“Wow, that’s exciting,” I said.

“Yes, she is really excited about it,” they happily replied.

I asked a few questions to share the parents’ joy. What is the name of the play? When is it on? For how long has your daughter been rehearsing?

I responded enthusiastically to everything that they told me. “You must be proud of her….wow…she is going to do great”…

The two parents felt good about this conversation. It ?gave them the opportunity to bask in a joyful glow.

I had tuned into their emotions.

It was my turn to share.

I told them that my 22-year-old daughter, a talented writer, wanted to work in a world of creativity.

Their response was, “That’s good,” and they then quickly shifted the conversation to another subject. You guessed it. The next subject was something that they were interested in.

This happened many years ago, and I still remember the feeling of mild deflation. The feeling that the two proud parents were tuning out when I was ready to sing out in a happy voice.

I took a valuable lesson away from that conversation: the power of tuning in to people’s feelings. In doing so, we enrich our conversations and our relationships with people.

So how do we tune in?

It’s easy…in theory.

It’s about recognising the emotional wave-lengths that people are on.

The proud parents were on a happy wave-length. I rode the wave of their positive emotions by asking questions to help put their tune on extended play. They used a fast-paced tune, and my conversation was in the same upbeat rhythm as theirs.

It’s not unusual for the conversational tune to take on more sombre tones. Family or friends confide in you, and share with you their feelings when life is not going as well as they would like. They need you to tune in with quieter tones of empathy, validation, and just being for them.

And there are times when we need to tune into what people are telling us. For many people, this simple form of tuning in to listen to people’s feelings can be a real challenge.

How can you tell when someone is tuning out? That someone might be you. I have had to work hard, it used to be me.

Very simple. We respond in a flat tone. “That’s good…ah huh…yep…” and what could have been a joyful discussion loses volume, and quickly comes to an end.

Tuning in does not come naturally to many people. I still have to work hard at it at times. We often get ready to drown out their tunes with the sounds of our voices – and often start before the other person has finished. For some people that I know, they simply don’t care about the tunes that others play.

So, as with all things in life, we have a choice.

We can tune in or we can tune out when people are talking to us.

Your choice will determine the quality of relationships that you have in life.

Tuning in won't naturally come easy. And it may take lots of practice.

But the effort will definitely be worth it.

Until next time.