The Tug of War between Competition and Connection

It’s a curious paradox, isn’t it? The way we’re drawn to both competition and connection, as if we’re trying to run two programs on a single operating system. One whispers, “Win, achieve, outperform,” while the other hums, “Belong, bond, unite.”

Until we recorded the latest episode of our podcast, these forces felt really at odds for me. And if truth be told I was really uncomfortable with many of the associations of competition.

I thought about how a winner necessarily created a looser. How deep important connections were lost when competition was prioritised. I've struggled as a parent on the sides of sporting events - feeling the inner tug of, 'I want you to feel success' bumping up against, 'You are all amazing!'. (If you pictured the last phrase being screamed by a slightly possessed mad woman, you are on the right track.)

I've really felt the tugging of competition verus connection, leaving me wondering which is the “right” way to lead and live.

The truth for me evolved in the episode. I can really feel that both instincts have their place. But when misunderstood, they can lock us into a conflict that stifles progress and strains relationships. If we learn to harness them—together—they hold the potential to transform not just how we work, but how we thrive.

Competition: The Fire That Fuels Us

Competition is ancient, primal, and deeply rooted in our nervous systems. It’s our sympathetic nervous system at play, the "fight-or-flight" energy urging us to move, to achieve, to rise. It’s the burst of adrenaline when we see an opportunity, the quickened pace of our heartbeat when we’re about to pitch an idea, the narrowed focus that helps us solve a problem faster than the person next to us.

In its purest form, competition is a survival mechanism. It’s what drove our ancestors to secure resources, protect their tribes, and ensure their genetic legacy. Today, it powers innovation, inspires personal bests, and pushes teams to accomplish the seemingly impossible.

But competition has a shadow side. Left unchecked, it can isolate us, making others feel like rivals instead of allies. It can turn collaboration into a battlefield, draining the trust and openness that make true progress possible. It whispers a dangerous lie: that your success must come at the expense of someone else’s.

Connection: The Bond That Grounds Us

Then there’s connection, the soothing balm of the parasympathetic ventral vagal nervous system—the safe, relaxed, energised, alive state. Connection brings us into resonance with others. It’s the oxytocin rush of a heartfelt conversation, the calming presence of someone who truly listens, the synergy of a team aligned not just in goals but in spirit.

Connection is essential for survival too, but in a different way. It’s how we build tribes, share resources, and lean into the strength of the collective. Neuroscience shows us that when we feel safe and seen in relationships, our prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for creativity, problem-solving, and innovation—lights up. In other words, connection is fertile ground for brilliance.

But connection without challenge can stagnate. In the absence of competition’s spark, even the strongest bonds risk becoming complacent.

The Illusion of Either/Or

And here’s where we often go wrong: we treat competition and connection as mutually exclusive. We feel the need to choose. Will we prioritize winning or belonging? Drive or empathy? Success or togetherness?

But the nervous system doesn’t work in binaries, and neither should we. We are wired for both. The question is not whether to compete or connect—it’s how to hold both energies in harmony.

The Alchemy of Competition and Connection

Imagine this: a team that trusts one another so deeply that they can challenge one another without fear. Where individuals feel secure enough in their belonging to push boundaries, take risks, and innovate without the weight of judgment. Where competition isn’t about crushing others, but about sharpening each other.

This is the magic that happens when competition and connection are allowed to dance together. Instead of one undermining the other, they become symbiotic. Competition brings energy, urgency, and the hunger to evolve; connection brings safety, understanding, and the wisdom to channel that hunger effectively.

Together, working in perfect synchrony, they create something far greater than the sum of its parts.

Evolving Through the Tension

Here’s what I have come to believe: the deepest, most transformative connections are forged in the fire of growth. And growth, by its nature, demands tension. When teams or relationships use the energy of challenge or competition—not to dominate, but to evolve—they tap into something extraordinary.

It’s no longer “me versus you” or “us versus them.” It’s “how far can we go together?”

In this space, competition becomes a gift: a way to hold each other accountable to our potential. Connection becomes the container: the safety net that ensures no one falls too far, no matter how high we aim.

And together, they create momentum. A kind of forward motion that is both fierce and grounded, powerful and compassionate.

The Ultimate Power Play

What would I invite you to ponder? Are you allowing connection and competition to exist in service of something bigger?

How can we create spaces where people feel seen, supported, and celebrated—and still driven to reach new heights? How can we harness the energy of competition without losing the humanity of connection?

When we master this balance, we stop shrinking ourselves into one mode or the other. We step into a leadership style—and a way of living—that is expansive. And in that expansion, we find the ultimate power: the kind of progress that not only elevates individuals but transforms entire teams, communities, and systems.

Let’s not settle for either competition or connection. Let’s aim for both. Because the world doesn’t just need people who can win or belong. It needs people who can evolve—together.

You can listen to my understanding evolve in the latest episode of The View Looks Good with Ann de Passos , S3 E3.