Tuchel and the outrage of the British press

How long will it take for a British tabloid to run the back page screamer: “Who do you think you are kidding Mr Tuchel?”, writes Paul Simpson. It could well happen as soon as mid-November if England, under new manager Thomas Tuchel, struggle against Greece or Ireland in the UEFA Nations League.

The British media severely depleted its stock of German cliches with Tuchel’s arrival. The Daily Mirror which, before the Euro 96 semi-final declared “football war on Germany”, a message underlined with the notorious headline ‘Achtung! Surrender!’, dubbed England’s new manager ‘the Kaiser chief’. The usual suspects – notably Jamie Carragher, Harry Redknapp and Danny Mills – condemned the appointment. Not to be outdone in its chosen field, synthetic outrage, the Daily Mail slammed Tuchel’s appointment as “a dark day for England” complaining, not for the first time, that: “We are the laughing stock of the world game”. As Private Eye noted, another dark day for England happened in 1933 when the first Lord Rothermere, great-grandfather of the Mail’s present proprietor, wrote a column proclaiming “Youth triumphant! … Under Herr Hitler’s control, the youth of Germany is effectively organised against the corruption of Communism.”

To be fair to the Rothermeres – although the Mail doesn’t extend that courtesy to anyone else – they weren’t the only British aristocrats to be duped by the Nazis. Even so, it’s hard to take such patriotic fervour seriously from a newspaper owned by a group registered in Bermuda (for obvious reasons) with a chairman, Jonathan Harold Esmond Vere Harmsworth with a country mansion in Wiltshire who pays his taxes in Monaco (for even more obvious reasons).

The case against Tuchel, outlined by the Mail’s Jeff Powell – basically “He’s a bloody German!” – was buttressed by a thoroughly biased account of his career. Not so much warts and all, just warts. He has, indeed, feuded with directors at his past four clubs but at PSG, Chelsea and Bayern Munich, feuding, even among directors, is practically a recreational sport. The fact that he had won league titles in France (twice) and Germany, and the Champions League with Chelsea – decent for a coach who’s only 51 – was downplayed, ignored or disputed, with Redknapp, whose only major managerial trophy is the FA Cup with Portsmouth in 2008, moaning: “It’s not like he’s been a massive success”.

Powell’s diatribe also ignored the basic truth that people can change. As German football historian Uli Hesse says: “Tuchel is not reviled here – as the British media suggest – that’s too strong. He has mellowed a lot in the last few years and at Bayern, when the board announced he was leaving in February 2024, 12,000 fans signed a petition begging him to stay.”

Bish, bash, bosch! Having a German England manager is tantamount to presenting tabloid subs with a succession of open goals. An unexpected defeat could justify the headline ‘Dummkopf!’ – or, if it’s really dire, as Private Eye proposes, ‘In the name of Gott go’. If Tuchel gets testy at a press conference, he could be deemed a ‘Sour Kraut!’ (vegetable puns have been popular since ‘What a turnip!’ the Sun’s headline lampooning Graham Taylor). And, if England thrash Germany in the 2026 World Cup final, one word – be it “Blitzed!” or “Wunderbar!” – will suffice.

The British media also use Tuchel as an excuse to ridicule the FA’s vaunted coaching path which, in truth, has proven more cul de sac than route to the top. That said, as Barney Ronay observed in the Guardian: “English football decided a while back that it was not commercially necessary to produce coaches.” There are now only three English managers in the Premier League: Sean Dyche (Everton), Eddie Howe (Newcastle) and Gary O’ Neill (Wolves). We may all agree that the Three Lions ought to be coached by an Englishman but Tuchel should not carry the can for his own appointment.

The FA’s continuity candidate Lee Carsley, the Under 21 coach, failed his audition primarily by prevaricating in public as to whether he wanted the job or not. (Tuchel’s arrival was reportedly finalised days before Carsley achieved the dubious distinction of becoming the first England manager to lose to Greece at Wembley.)

Gareth Southgate’s Three Lions were often criticised by tabloids for not being clinical enough. And surely, Tuchel, a German coach who has been steeped in football since he was six when he joined local side TSV Krumbach (where his father Kurt coached him) is well placed to bring what commentators once called ‘Teutonic efficiency’ to England’s game.

Tuchel’s new job has not, as some British football journalists imply, prompted incredulity in Germany. As Hesse says: “Over here, we think what England really needed was a proper modern football manager - and that’s what they have now got.”