Trying to Navigate the New "Norm"

March really came in like a lion, and I have been sick to my stomach for weeks.

First, anxious about getting our students that have been studying abroad all over the world back home. Then, wondering if our international students would be able to eventually go home (especially my cousin from Italy that has been studying here in the states, his senior year of high school). Then, praying students decided against going on Spring Break trips, even though I remember what I was like when I was 18-22. I thought I was invincible. Then, seeing said students show up on social media sites showcasing their antics on said Spring Break trips that I hoped they canceled. The thought of having them back on campus after traveling (when it was not recommended) while I had to still report to work made me anxious. Then, one event after another was canceled; events that we had been working hard on for a long time.

And THEN...heavy sigh...our Seniors on their Capstone internships all over the world...some canceled altogether, some cut short because sports are canceled; some never getting that real experience from start to finish in a corporate office that they have worked SO hard for. My heart just breaks for them as now graduation has been canceled, too. I am hoping that Syracuse takes a page from Virginia Tech, led in large part by the efforts of my friend Brad Wurthman and his team, as they plan to honor the class of 2020 at a football game this fall.

Pending fall sport season isn't canceled, too.

I was temporarily relieved when we were told to begin working from home, but working from home with an expiration date gives you something to work towards. An unknown end date mixed in with policy changes, new challenges, another question we don't have the answer for and a busy toddler AND lab puppy, and I am almost paralyzed. I don't think I've had time to even process what truly is happening because for most - until you're touched by what is going on in the world - it almost isn't real. But, we're living in a nightmare.

Yesterday was really hard. Syracuse celebrated it's 150th birthday, a celebration we've been having commemorative events for for the past year which to me, was overshadowed by the necessary to cancel Spring 2020 Commencement. My inbox was full of emails from students not just wanting to adjust their coursework to a "pass/fail" option, but with sadness that they never got a proper "goodbye" from campus.

I've been working from home for over a week, but I feel like I am not doing anything well enough. I feel like I'm struggling with work because I'm not performing as well as I pride myself; I feel like I'm not giving my family the attention they deserve and that I'm robbing my little one time from her family and development; I feel like I'm letting myself down because I am not getting the "me" time I am able to prioritize for myself with my "normal" week day schedule. Yesterday was so hard that my frustration did not get lost on my toddler as she began crying when she saw me upset, then I started crying because she noticed.

This is all very strange and something we’ve never faced before. But, different than when starting a new adventure, this one is so unknown, dangerous, and really almost appeared out of nowhere. Thankfully, I woke up this morning to a text from my best friend (who also works in Education), an article from the Harvard Business Review. I think I finally found something to help me navigate my feeling:

Grief.

I never associated grief with daily life, because thankfully I’ve been mentally healthy for a majority of my 34 years on earth. I had grief when I went through my divorce six years ago, but I KNEW that it was just a short chapter in my life. I didn’t know what was next, but I was excited about the unknown (for 99.9% of it!) because I was free from a really bad relationship.

This kind of situation is different because we – as in, the world – truly do not know what is next. But, we need to find some comfort in that to continue onward. When we can accept that we’re going through this together and that every single person around us is learning how to adapt, too, that’s when grief starts to subside. When I first started to write down my feelings here a few days ago, I barely got past the intro because when I was recounting everything it made me anxious again. Everything in that article is what I was feeling, though.

It sounds like it’s what a lot of us are feeling right now. If you are feeling like I am feeling, know you are not alone.

I'm thankful for my health and so far, my family is healthy, too. I'm thankful that we have technology that allows us to "drop in" on our family members whenever we want so my baby can see her grandparents and cousins. I'm thankful we have so many people in the medical field that are brave enough to keep us safe. I'm thankful for essential employees that continue to go to work, business as usual (minus some potential new safety protocol).

I am thankful for my students, too. I got a couple of messages yesterday that were just what I needed to pull me out of my funk when I was not at my best:

I just wanted to thank you for all of your mentorship and friendship over the past four years. I could always count on you to be in my corner and push me to really reach for my dreams – no matter how many times my dreams actually shifted. I really appreciate all of the time you put in and just the extent of how much you noticeably cared about me and my peers. 

I'll just continue to reread messages like this, listen to my little girl giggle at her puppy on repeat, and hug my (quarantined) family extra tight every day until we get through this. I'll be patient with my feelings, too, as it's going to take more than a week or so to navigate a new "normal" for me. For us!

We got this, together, but the approved social distance apart.