The Truth about Writing your first Manuscript

It's not magic or talent that wins the day, but persistence.

Dear Tony,

This is my letter of apology.

I love what you stand for. You're honest and helpful, you act with integrity. You're sensitive and empathetic to others' needs. I love the tenacious and creative side of you too. You are curious by nature, which brings you new ways to see the world every day.

However, there's another side to you, Tony. You're a perfectionist and can procrastinate with the best of them. You self-doubt your abilities, allowing imposter syndrome to show up on a regular occasion. You avoid scenarios where you're vulnerable to negative feedback, which creates an anxiety in you that you can often struggle to hide. Fear of failure is your kryptonite.

I hadn't realised the damage I'd inflicted until it was too late.

I see that you've finished your first manuscript – well done, you should be proud. You've overcome some big challenges to get to where you are, and so have I.

It wasn't so long ago, that I told you in no uncertain terms about how terrible it is, and that it was a total waste of time. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for that, my intention was to always protect you, and it's about time I told you the truth.

An epic novel that focused on children born with a difference... You wanted to bring representation to those just like you.

You forget that I was there for your very first moment. I stood back and watched as your first idea for the book formed – I didn't interfere. It was to be an epic novel that focused on children born with a difference, into a Dystopian Society that believed in a strict sense of intrinsic Karma.

You wanted to bring representation to those just like you, through a futuristic version of reality in which oppressive societal control and the illusion of a perfect society is maintained through totalitarian control.

It was going to be different, and your vision of how things would go persuaded me to give you a chance. The imagery of magical words drifting effortlessly out of your mind – dancing to the tune of your thoughts as if it was just 'meant to be' – was idyllic.

It took some time, but I needed to help you to see how wrong you were, Tony.

I was with you as you sat down at your local café – Kith & Kin – where it all started. It was such an enticing day, and I watched as you absorbed everything around you. I mean, I get it. The warmth of the sun, the taste of bacon, the aroma of rich coffee lingering in the air... You had me swept up in your hopes and dreams too, so I stayed quiet and hidden. You even had the luxury of the window seat all to yourself.

This was life going your way, right?

The streets were silent and the feeling of hope was right there, in the palm of your hand – all before you had typed the very first word of your very first book.

J. R. R. Tolkien here we come...

It’s taken a long time to get this far.

Oh Tony.

Yes, it’s done. Your first ever manuscript – over 300 pages and 70,000 words – are written, but you will never again settle on the notion that writing a book is easy.

It’s taken a long time to get this far. Three years. Surely, it shouldn't take so long to write a book?

Looking back, most of that was my fault – I haven't been particularly kind to you, after all. I got in your way, and made you feel ashamed.

Next time, I would do things differently.

Can you remember your first few weeks? Your word count rose by the day, and before long you reached 20,000 words. You worked hard, but you thoroughly enjoyed it. You went somewhere different to write every week... the world was your oyster; as long as it included the coastline of Tynemouth, Cullercoats or Whitley Bay! You wrote whilst watching the tide go out, and stayed there long enough to watch it come back in again.

Even I have fond memories of those days, watching from afar.

So what was the problem?

I did not like what you had written

I feel bad about it now, but it was I that engineered your first mistake. It was I that persuaded you to review your early chapters – just have a quick look – what harm could it do?

The very instant that you took your first look, you invited me – your inner critic – to the table, and I was about to have a feast.

Oh dear… I did not like what you had written, did I? It's something that I'm working on, but at the time I wasn't great at giving feedback to you. I told you it was awful, amateurish, your characters were terrible, your plot lines didn't make any sense and you needed to re-write it all, immediately.

I understand now how that could create distance between us, and I want you to know that I'm sorry for that. My job was to stop you embarrassing yourself – I was trying to protect you.

By now, I was at the head of the table and I wasn't going away. You no longer enjoyed the process. The enthusiasm you showed on your first day of writing had vanished. You began to re-edit your story so much that it crushed your confidence, and it wasn’t long before you stopped writing entirely.

The time that you had previously made available for writing had mysteriously vanished. I only had to whisper a few alternatives to you and that was that – I had won the battle.

Six months went by and all was fine – I continued to dine on your unhappiness. What I hadn't anticipated was the effects of time, and your desire to write had remained, kindling away, deep inside of you. Until one day, you came across The Elements of Style by Strunk and White.

Reading through the little book acted as the catalyst you needed, as your own story kept swimming to the surface. Your thoughts continued to drift to it, encouraging you to research new ways to improve your writing. You began listening to The Creative Penn Podcast, an inspiring source of hints and tips and confidence boosting advice. More worryingly for me, you began to write again.

You decided to restructure your story using the Blake Snyder Beat Sheet. This helped you to break down your story into bite-size, manageable sections, and kept specific goals for each part of your overall story. You worked to your strengths, and organised everything using Microsoft OneNote, segmenting Chapters and story ideas about the Plot and Characters. You researched character arcs and used Excel to plan the 'when and how' shift in character personalities and illustrated whether they were transformational, positive, negative or static.

I was secretly proud of how far you had developed from that first day in the cafe, but I also didn't want you getting hurt. I could feel myself drifting into the background as you started to enjoy the process once again. Before long, you were up to 40,000 words, and the final straight would soon be in sight.

And then what, Tony?

Uh oh. That's right, you would soon need to be vulnerable and start showing your work... leaving you open to negative criticism. I held on to your kryptonite as I flew out of the traps arriving at a mighty 'all you can eat' buffet.

That’s the thing about writing a book. Does it really count if no one else sees it?

"The reason 99% of all stories written are not bought by editors is very simple. Editors never buy manuscripts that are left on the closet shelf at home." (John Campbell)

You forget that I know you better than anyone, Tony. I knew that the idea of receiving negative criticism is what you fear most, especially when it’s personal. That's partly my fault too. I've always been super critical of your work... I've moulded you into the perfectionist that you have been in the past.

I now fed on your anxiety and swallowed the joy that you were starting to feel once again. Your fear of failure had well and truly announced itself and left you in a cycle of self-doubt and procrastination.

Coincidentally, a perfect excuse had arrived, providing you with mixed feelings of relief and despair. You jumped at the chance to take up a Finance Apprenticeship whilst working full-time – without ever fully appreciating the impact. You simply used it as an avoidance tactic – and I encouraged you.

You made a life-changing decision to get to know yourself better

Although you were doing well in Finance, things snowballed when you then took on a promotion – the biggest of your life. It should have been the happiest of times, but it took up so much of your time that it numbed any creativity you had left. You were no longer the best version of yourself.

The vicious cycle of perfectionism, procrastination and imposter syndrome was now in full flow. That’s when you made a life-changing decision to reflect on how you got to this point and get to know yourself better – and get to know me better in the process. You wanted to know why I continued to block you from the creativeness that you clearly needed to survive and thrive.

It has enabled you to be sensitive and empathetic to others, as well as creative and resilient.

I have to admit, I liked it. Not everyone experiences their inner critic in the same way, some people don't know they have one. The reflection process you went through was like a paradigm shift, and helped me understand that I'm not here to be unkind to you. I can still offer advice and help guidance but in a more positive way – as if you were talking to a friend.

For you, Tony, you've taken a different journey to most. I came into existence during your very first moments in life. You were born with a congenital hand difference, without fingers and a thumb on your right hand (your curious nature understood it to be as a result of Amniotic Band Syndrome and/or too much or too little of a protein at the embryonic stage called Sonic Hedgehog – and your son now calls your hand Sonic!).

Your own parents didn't know anything about it until after you were born. The nurses wrapped you in a blanket and hid your hand; placing you in a cot immediately after birth. It wasn't until your parents unfolded your blanket later that they realised. Your hand difference didn't show up in any scans, so no one was prepared for the conversations that needed to take place. It was the first moments of pity and shame that you experienced – although not from your parents.

You were still a cute baby though.

You now see your hand difference as a huge positive, which is my favourite part of you, as it has enabled you to be sensitive and empathetic to others, as well as creative and tenacious.

However, we now know it has also been a catalyst for feeling the need to be perfect in other areas of your life, to compensate for the negative comments you received about your hand at School and in your early years at Work.

It was time to stop focusing on the outcome and begin to focus on the process.

So, what was to be done about it?

I stepped out of your way, and it was time to rethink the game. It was time to stop focusing on the outcome and begin to focus on the process. By this time, it was a long way back into writing a story that you began over two years earlier. You decided to build a structure that allowed you to enjoy what you were doing, and one that also held you to account – not just in writing, but all of your creative and professional endeavours.

You got yourself a Professional Coach to keep you accountable, and you connected with like-minded people. That’s when you formed your Thursday Night Creative Club where you focus on supporting each other with your creative outlets.

The results have been great. It has allowed you to continue with your story until the very end. You now have a complete manuscript, and one that you've shared with others for the first time.

It's been a life-changing experience

It hasn’t been easy. I know I've played my part in that, and for that I'm sorry.

It's been a life-changing experience for both of us, and we're stronger for it. Whatever ever happen's next, I just want you to know that it wasn't a total waste of time – far from it.