The truth will set you free, really, it will!!

Many people really are worried about me since I started to write publically about my life experiences. It is interesting, because this is how I have been and felt for most of my life. How little people must have known me, or how well I have hidden this internal battle from everyone else.

The only difference now is that I am not hiding this away behind thickly vailed defenses and pretenses. I am making it public. I am owning it. Once people understand the nature of the challenges and fears I am facing they are now worried. Perhaps this is the first time that I have actually made a proper attempt at educating people into my psychology? The reason why we are so often misunderstood by others, and why our needs are often unmet by others, is because we have not clearly explained to those people how our own minds work, or how we feel in the world. Rarely does this happen, in fact, most of the time, it only really happens when you go to see a shrink, and even then, it is probably veiled in bullshit half the time anyway. Many people, especially men, wont even go to see a shrink either, and they will simply bottle up the truth in a nicely packed grenade inside themselves, until it blows them to pieces down the line. 

Imagine how much of a cover up act I must have been doing in the past? Decades of keeping things closeted away in the darkness of my own head & heart. So what happens when you cover stuff up? What happens when you hide the real you from other people? You think you are not worth the truth that is inside you? You think that people cannot possibly like or accept me if I am honest about how I feel and about who I really am?

What if we peeled back the defensive layers on a range of the best people you know. True life examples of good people in the mix of life. What do you think you would see underneath? Perfection? I dont think so. You would see so many parts of your own story mirrored there. You would see that they are just as confused about themsleves, and about life, as you are. Maybe moreso? Maybe they are master deceptors!

We all have a range of the same problems and insecurities. Some people have more and some have less, some can hide them better and some cannot. Some dont make it because it is too hard to sustain the weight of the lie they are living, and others break free from this false life and find a degree of happiness and peace in their lives.

Where are you on this scale?

Covering up the authentic you becomes manifest in many ways. Firstly, you try to create a persona which designed to create an image that is not the authentic you, but rather who you think others think you should be. This persona requires alot of work and energy to pull it off and sustain.

Spending energy on false impressions and narratives is very costly, and it most definitely is the beginning of the process of living a great fat lie. The more you live the lie, the more you lie, and the more you become the lie, which means the more you unwell you become within yourself. And so it becomes a vicious cycle, and one which effects you the most, and those most intimate in your life (family, close friends, and children)

The more you lie to yourself and to others about who you really are, what you really think, how you really feel, the further away from the 'truth of you' you become. Eventually this will break you up into pieces, break your relationships, mess up your career, and make you break down. It can take decades for this to happen though, by which time you will be at the middle / end of your life, and by which time there is much less you can do about the destruction you have caused, and you may just be a lost cause! Not worth tuppence to anyone! And this is if you make it that far. You may die before your time because you simply couldnt carry on with yourself, or because one of the avoidance tactics you have been employing kills you (drugs / alcohol etc)

This is one of the reasons I have spent so long trying to get my addictive tendencies treated. Since I was the tender age of 18 I knew I had a rising problem – I knew this could take my whole life, and that is the last thing I wanted. I want to be conscious in the best years of my life, and I want to live as honestly and truthfully as I can. I am not going to be one of those basket cases. I am not referring to basket case as a drug addled or alcolohol soaked street bum by the way (although they do fit the catergory), I am referring to people who reach the end of their lives in tatters because they have lied to themselves, and to others, all the way through. This is a basket case.

I am not embarrased about being honest about who and what I am, or how i feel, and I am finally coming to terms with myself at the middle age of 37. It feels good and it liberates me more and more every day. Do I fear my harsh and uncensored honesty? Sometimes but not often. I have few secrets that lay hidden now, and that is the best of all. My backpack has lightened up significantly (and we all should know how a heavy backpack affects a good walk) - we spend more time looking down at out feet than we do looking around and taking in the views!

This is me, and these are my experineces. If they can help you to take the next step towards being true to yourself then I am glad. If it bugs you and freaks you out dont read these posts. Unfollow if you need to. This is for those that see the value of what I am doing, even if it is just a little at first. 

Keep the crack in the door open, and let the light in.