The Truth About Masking & Autism—Why Many Diagnoses Are Missed

Diagnosing autism based on behavior alone does a massive disservice to adults who’ve spent their whole lives perfecting the art of looking normal. You know, the ones who’ve played the role so well that even psychologists buy the act.

When I went for an assessment, I laid out my challenges. The psychologist glanced at my life—full-time job, married with kids, generally appearing like a functional adult—and basically said, You sure about that?

So I hit them with: Let me tell you what it takes for me to do that.

That’s when the real story came out. The forced eye contact. The handshakes and casual touches that make my skin crawl. The stims I suppress because society decided rocking back and forth makes people uncomfortable. The constant stress, anxiety, and depression from keeping up the act. The identity crisis of not knowing where the mask ends and I begin.

Burnout? Constant. Meltdowns? More like rage fits that freaked people out. I never got physical, but I could get loud, irrational, and damn near impossible to reason with.

And yet, on the surface? I looked fine. Because that’s what masking does. It makes us look fine while we’re unraveling on the inside.

Masking: The Disappearing Act That Comes at a Cost

Masking is what happens when autistic people learn—early and painfully—that being ourselves gets us rejected, so we play along. We study expressions, memorize small talk scripts, and force ourselves through interactions that feel unnatural. And it works… until it doesn’t. The price? Chronic stress, burnout, depression, and a complete disconnect from who we really are.

So, What Can We Do?

We stop judging autism by appearances. We start recognizing that just because someone looks fine doesn’t mean they feel fine. We push for assessments that actually account for internal experiences instead of just external behaviors. And we create spaces where autistic people don’t feel like we have to put on a performance just to belong.

Thankfully, more clinicians are doing in depth interviews with clients to discover their experience of life and themselves in it. They need the input of autistic adults to make their assessments even more on point.

Bottom line: If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one performance of an autistic person. The real us? That’s where the truth lies.