The Truth Hurts....

“I could tell you the truth, but you'd call me a liar” - Sigrid Burning Bridges (2021).

What’s the truth? What's a lie? Whilst literality is a theme that occurs frequently when talking about neurodivergence (particularly autism), there’s a specific challenge for NTPs (neurotypical people), who are also not a homogeneous group, to learn about, understand, and accept.

It’s always worth providing the caveat upfront that some Autistic people will not act in this way. It may not be part of their autism or indeed their personality, but it is a trait that is quite common. For truth bombs to appear in everyday conversations with people who are a regular feature of the Autistic person’s life, from teachers in childhood, to friends, parents, relatives, and weekend club facilitators – people like these would feature heavily in daily and weekly life. The comfort levels will be there to have conversations that are broad enough and mixed in topic.

For an average neurotypical person, the truth is a nuanced and complex aspect of life. They learn when to tell a lie and when to be truthful. Lies can be told even when the other person understands it's a lie that's been told, with the shared lie playing a particular role in supporting a relationship; to keep the peace and maintain good relations, albeit connections that are essentially built on untruths.

It is less about sophistication of communication and more to do with social realities. The world we live in is largely created by and for the neurotypical experience – that is the experience of people whose brains are wired in a typical way. Whilst there will also be much difference in this neurotypical community, (the very definition of neurodiversity), NTPs will interact with the world in broadly the same way. These social niceties revolve around being untruthful when the truth may be considered hurtful or painful.

So why do neurotypical people practise this odd social dance? Autistic people who I regularly interact with, will often explain that it is more helpful to state if a piece of clothing doesn't look good on someone or if they are starting to gain extra weight, even if they don't want to hear this truth.

The individual’s lack of acknowledgment of this truth, no matter how unpalatable, will hold them back from finding clothing that suits their body shape, or embarking on a new exercise routine, or a change of diet to begin shifting the excess pounds. When I first heard that explanation, I was taken aback by the practicality of this approach and mindset. Why wouldn't you want to be told if something is not going well?

In Nigerian culture, which is my heritage, it is common for elders in particular, to be quite blunt and forthright about what is and what isn’t working well. In this cultural setting, the Autistic person's brutal honesty would not be so obvious. In western society, honesty in this setting is frowned upon. Telling someone, even someone who is well known to you, that their bum looks big in a certain dress or pair of trousers, will result in resentment, disappointment, and even anger. For some Autistic people, they simply don't understand the need for this openly covert lying. but don't set out with an intention to cause upset.

Autistic people don't fully grasp that what they're saying could be perceived negatively, but also understand the need to be forthright and to get straight to the heart of the matter. Whilst this could be problematic in close relationships like friendships; even with other Autistic people, it can be an excellent skill or characteristic in business or in the workplace.

How many times have we experienced poor feedback, which dances around issues and doesn't give concrete guidance on what needs to be improved? A loose and flabby appraisal does no one any good. KPIs or goals that indicate measurement by sentiment rather than by hard figures or statistics waste so much time, energy and money, with no real satisfaction gained.

Autistic people’s literality is based not on a deliberate willingness to cause offence through telling it like it is, but on language interpretation. NTPs understand and use language in both literal and figurative ways, whereas Autistic people are not naturally aware of the use of figurative language in everyday conversation. This can of course be taught from a young age or indeed at any age (and often is when Autism is diagnosed early in childhood). Being aware of these differences is key because understanding should then naturally follow. NTPs can’t be the only ones who shape and influence the way humans communicate. There's always gold to mine from the way neurodivergent people interact with and interpret the world we live in, through communication.

If you would like to learn more about how I can help your organisation, contact me to explore how to make your workplace culture more Autism and ADHD friendly.