The Truth about Backstabbing Co-Workers

Esther told us that the first time someone she knew well and trusted at work stabbed her in the back, she experienced a physical shock.

Esther had been working on a project her manager asked her to take on. Esther was asked to design a new database to keep track of her not-for-profit organization's volunteers. She designed the project and carried it out, step by step over two months.

She was proud of herself.

She was scheduled to present her volunteer database to the team at her department meeting in a week.

Esther asked her colleague Martin to help her edit and polish the database before its launch. Martin wrote a script to move the volunteers' records out of the old database and into the new one. He came to Esther's workstation to get the database ready for launch and the volunteers' records ready for migration.

While Martin and Esther were working together, their co-worker Rina stopped by. "Let me see the new database!" she said congenially. Esther gave Rina a quick demo of the new volunteer database and talked her through its design.

Rina said "Give me a login, and I'll take a test drive tonight when I get home."

Martin gave Rina login credentials for the database. The next day around lunchtime, Rina came back to Esther's workstation. "I showed your database to our manager Gordon and the rest of the team," she said.

"What?" asked Esther, astounded. "I told you I was going to give a walk-through presentation at our staff meeting next week. I've been working on this project for two months!"

"So what?" asked Rina. "What difference does it make? Everyone was going to see it eventually, anyway." 

"You -- you showed them my project?" Esther stammered. "How could you do that without me being there? You don't know anything about it!"

Esther had considered Rina a friend until that instant. The physical shock Esther recalled later slammed through her body. She felt dizzy. Rina walked away.

Esther went to see her boss, Gordon.

"I have to tell you something, Gordon," she said. "I am sick to my stomach. You know that I've been working on the volunteer database for two months, right?

"Yesterday I was doing testing and migration with Martin. Rina stopped by and offered to look at the database.

"Now I understand she walked you and the rest of our department through it. Did she even mention that I built it? Yesterday was the first time Rina saw it."

"I was afraid you were going to ask me that," said Gordon. "I was just coming over to see you to ask you about it. I know you've been working on it and I never heard you or Rina mention her involvement before.

"I also know you put the volunteer database project on the agenda for our staff meeting next week.

"No, to be honest, Rina didn't mention that this was your project. She said that you, she and Martin worked on it together."

Esther told us that she wanted to cry when she first learned about Rina's duplicity, but as she looks back, she sees something she missed at the time.

"What a stupid thing for Rina to say to Gordon, and what a risk to take!" Esther told us.

"I was furious with Rina for months and as long as I stayed at that job, I never trusted her again. How could I trust her after that? She claimed partial credit for a huge project that she had literally no connection to.

"I don't know what conversations Gordon had with her about that incident, but it's fair to say that her credibility in the agency was shot.

"We've completely lost touch since then.

"After a couple of years I softened. I realized that I was holding onto anger toward Rina that was misplaced or at the least, a waste of my energy. Who cares what Rina did back then? She's on her path.

"I feel sorry for her. She must have been in big distress to feel that she needed to try to steal credit for my biggest professional accomplishment up to that point."

The first time you get stabbed in the back at work,  you're likely to be shocked. You'll probably feel other strong emotions, too.

Feel your emotions, but don't act on them. It's easy to get caught up in workplace soap opera and drama. Go home and write about your feelings in your journal.

Talk to a friend about your backstabbing co-worker's treachery. Get it all out and then let your strong emotions fade.

You've heard the old saying about holding a grudge, I'll bet. Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

The scariest emotion we can feel is righteous indignation. It's a vestigial emotion left over from our days on the veldt and the savannah.  It courses through our veins and makes us do and say stupid things that we regret later.

Sometimes backstabbing people want to pull you into a web of conflict. They don't mind conflict or drama. They thrive on those things! Don't get sucked into their vortex. Your calm center is the source of your power.

Sometimes backstabbing co-workers try to explain away their dishonest actions. They feign ignorance when you point out that they mistreated you. They say you're too sensitive. They know that the best defense is a good offense. 

Sometimes you can even get stabbed in the back more than once by the same person.

The first time they stab you in the back, they pretend to be shocked that you're upset with them, and then they'll eventually, grudgingly say "I'm sorry if I upset you." Once  back in your good graces, they'll quickly stab you in the back again.

That will hurt in the moment, but this is how Mother Nature teaches her lessons! The pain in your back will be great -- along with your embarrassment for allowing yourself to be duped. Still, pain is a great teacher.

My colleague Molly says "One of the most important things we are teaching at Human Workplace is how to change our relationship with pain." That is a spot-on observation!

We push away pain. When it hits us, our first reaction is "How unfair!" It's horrible to get stabbed in the back at work - there's no doubt about it. But how lucky we are to get the lessons we need and to learn from them!

Pain is a signal to change course, slightly or dramatically. Pain isn't something to avoid, but rather something to learn from. The more we step out into new territory -- exactly the thing we should be doing -- the more pain we'll feel, and the more lessons we'll get.

Esther learned a wonderful lesson from Rina, her backstabbing database-credit-stealing co-worker.

"I'm just as trusting a person as I was before," Esther told us.

"I trust people or don't trust them based on my instincts now, which I was afraid to do before. In a way, I set myself up to get stabbed in the back by Rina that day. I didn't need her help testing the database.

"I told Martin to give Rina a login because I didn't know how to say 'That's okay, Rina, we're good - we're testing everything on our list now.'

"I could feel that the energy around Rina was wrong. She had never volunteered to help me with anything before. It was uncharacteristic for her.

"I went along with her request although my gut was screaming at me not to - and then BAM! I got the lesson."

"Did you end up doing the database walk-through with the team at your next staff meeting?" we asked Esther.

"I did," she said. "My awesome manager Gordon made a nice introduction for me during the staff meeting. I walked everyone through the database.

"Our intern, Rachel, at one point asked 'Didn't we see this before? Isn't this Rina's project?' and at that moment everyone looked at Rina, who was silent and beet-red with embarrassment.

"Rina wasn't about to say 'Martin, Esther and I worked on this together' while I was sitting right there."

"Your muscles are getting huge!" we told Esther.

"They are," said Esther, "but in other ways I'm softening, too. Everyone has pain at times. Everyone feels small and helpless, and people act strangely when they're in pain.

"These days I try to spot the fearful Rinas around me before they can damage relationships and kill the Team Mojo in the department. I learned from you that our good energy is everything. It's our fuel - we can't get anywhere without it!"

Our company is Human Workplace. Our mission is to reinvent work for people!

Listen as Liz Ryan answers questions from listeners on the Tommy Schnurmacher Show on CJAD Radio Montreal! 

Give the gift of MOJO this holiday season!

Check out our bundled and discounted Gift of MOJO Specials on career tools, eBooks, courses and coaching here! 

Reach with us your questions here!