Trusting again: courage or madness?

This is part three of a series on trust. Find here part one on trust and part two on distrust .

Humans have this annoying habit of hurting each other. Often unintentionally, and sometimes defensively, but getting hurt and hurting other people https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/trust-making-something-we-care-vulnerable-actions-others-veselko/?trackingId=zjVfL%2B9eTPm%2B3HS0Zgwz1w%3D%3Dis inevitable. And yes, we also hurt each other at work. We are whole beings and like it or not, we carry our emotional bodies with us wherever we go.

How can we maintain trusting relationships when we are bound to hurt each other? How can we heal after trust had been damaged? Can we get over a betrayal? Can trust be rebuilt? Should it be rebuilt?

Here is Eli’s questions that started this series on trust:

“I'm really interested in your take on ‘what follows next’ in organisations, in teams, once the trust is broken (on the (core) level of values, not just commitments and tiny stuff). We all know it’s often not the same, after that. But could it be (renewed like nothing ever happened)? Could trust ever be as strong, or even stronger again? What can we do to build it up faster.. or is there really no shortcut to it, than time and patience? Will that alone work? Will anything work? ..or will there always be a hint of doubt? What can we do, when it feels ‘stupid’ and 'irrational' to trust again, when values (the foundation) are so deeply violated? When it feels like you have to use brains and logic and sheer will to choose to trust, meanwhile the heart and feelings are screaming "hell no!"? Is that even a good decision? Is that a brave, vulnerable and 'letting go of control' kind of decision.. or is it pure madness??“

In short: what can we do when trust had been fundamentally broken?

Our heart is screaming “hell no”, our brain is full of doubt and suspicion and filled with stories of horror. We need to get our brain back on track and calm our heart. Then we set out on a difficult journey of rebuilding.

What we are really struggling with is: “Will you hurt me again?” Will I ever be safe with you? In organizational context that translates into: “Can I trust what you say? Do you have my best interest in mind along with your own? Is my career, my project, my money, my job safe in your hands?” Most often betrayal has a power dynamics to it – the people in charge might formally get away with a lot of unethical behavior, while less powerful workers have more to lose and less leverage. We trust our leaders to take care of us. That is their main job. That is why we happily give them the biggest office and the biggest salary. Unethical behavior is among the top 5 elements of toxic culture. People don’t forgive easily when their core values are violated.

Whenever we feel betrayed, we make up stories about other people having bad intentions, even about them being evil. To start rebuilding, we need to believe that they have made a mistake, they know it now and they will never do that same mistake again. So how do we get from “you are inherently bad and always will be” to “you’ve made a mistake and I can forgive you”?

I find it very helpful to lean on Brené Brown’s BRAVING inventory.

Boundaries

To trust this person again, what boundaries do I need to set? Have I set the boundaries clearly? Have I respected my own boundaries? How can I clearly communicate what is ok and what is not ok in the future? It matters that the person who had stepped over a boundary 1) realizes the boundary exists (what is not ok), 2) knows what to do instead (what is ok), and 3) respects that boundary. We need to communicate that clearly, and if the person recognizes and honors our wishes, we can give them another chance. Once boundaries are in place and respected, we can let down the walls.

Reliability

We need to have a conversation about what it means to each of us to be reliable. We need to be aware of our limitations and not overpromise. When we figure out the problematic patterns, we can align on how we both see reliability and make sure we are on the same page about what needs to be done by when and what “done” looks like. For many people, being reliable has a lot to do with learning to say no to what we won’t be able to deliver.

Accountability

This is probably the most important part of healing after trust had been broken. Without accountability, no other step can take place. That means you own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends. When the person who had broken our trust doesn’t admit to making a mistake, we can never be sure they won’t do it again. When they don’t apologize, they ignore our hurt. When they apologize but don’t make amends, it is just words; the hurt is maybe acknowledged, but not healed.

Vault

Vault means respecting the intimacy of the other person. You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential.

Integrity

Integrity matters in rebuilding trust because we need to know that the person is not “bad”, they have values they respect and the behavior that hurt us was them acting outside of their values. We need to believe they will in the future choose courage over comfort; choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and practicing their values, not just profess them.

Nonjudgment

This is a tricky one after betrayal. Judgement is a way to unload our pain. But to rebuild trust, we need to let the judgement go and accept the humanity of the other person. It also is not useful when we keep judging ourselves for trusting them in the first place. We are human. It’s how humans work. When we are rebuilding our relationship, it is important that we don’t get stuck in judging the other and recognize how we might have contributed to the problem. (See boundaries.)

Generosity

Connected to nonjudgement, generosity means extending the most generous interpretation to the intentions, words, and actions of others. When we hold the other person accountable, staying generous and believing their story is the only way we can start rebuilding. I am not talking about being na?ve. We can only believe their story when they are willing to be vulnerable in sharing their thoughts and feelings driving the hurtful behavior AND taking accountability for the behavior itself.

This is all hard and requires a lot of vulnerability and courage on both sides. To rebuild a relationship after betrayal, we need to know it takes time and genuine effort to heal. And it takes two people. The last question Eli asks, “Is that a brave, vulnerable and 'letting go of control' kind of decision… or is it pure madness?” has one simple answer. If both people are willing to work on it, take responsibility for their part of the story and be courageous enough to lean into the discomfort of honest conversation, it is brave and vulnerable. If I am the one forgiving and trusting, while the other person makes no effort to acknowledge my pain, apologize, make amends or change, it is closer to madness.

That said - we do not need the other person to own it or apologize. My healing cannot depend on another person. Getting over a violation of trust is my process. It might require me to find a new job, though. When our trust had been betrayed, our values violated, when we have been treated unethically or witnessed unethical behavior, when we have been bullied, harassed, or abused, or repeatedly disrespected, we need to set those boundaries and leave that relationship. We need to quit that job to keep ourselves. There is too much risk. We cannot leave these things at work. In time, they damage our integrity, our dignity, our humanity. And in time, the gaslighting might truly drive us to madness.