Trusted Adults must be Trustworthy - Notes for Teachers as Trusted Adults when Cyberbullying Hits

For Teachers: You As The "Trusted Adult" 

Fewer than 5% of the middle school students polled[1] would ever entrust their parents with the fact that they are being cyberbullied. They worry that their parents will overreact or mishandle the situation, blame them or become over-protective. They have more than 74 reasons they would not tell their parents. Younger students, under 12 years of age (depending on the culture and country) confide in their parents more.

A vast majority of the tens of thousands of students I have met with from middle to high school around the world say that when they trust any adults, they trust a favorite teacher the most.

Trusting an adult with cyberbullying and related cyber-abuses is essential. In most of the world, students 13 and older typically turn to each other.[2]. The problem with this is that they never know if the cyberbully is their best friend or worst enemy. So, they may be confiding in their tormenter without knowing it.

When they are not willing to turn to their parents, we need them to confide in you. You are the "trusted adult" everyone is always talking about. The most important part of being a “trusted adult” is being "trustworthy." That means you have to do more than just listen. It means that you need to know what to listen for, what to do with what you hear and how to provide meaningful and trustworthy advice and support.

To complicate things further, as an educator, mental health or medical professional, you may have a legal, ethical or contractual obligation to report what is being confided to you. Or, you may learn something that you have to act on, to protect the student or others. Or you may not be able to evaluate how risky a situation is or know how to advise the student to handle the situation.

You may also fear being held responsible, disciplined or even sued if things go wrong.

With all of this going on, why bother? Why take the risk or take on more than you already have on your overworked and underpaid plate? Why not pass the buck to the parents, the community policing officer or someone else?

You know the answer – it’s because you may be the only person who a troubled teen or tween can turn to. It’s that simple.

But, that doesn’t mean you should ignore the other risks. It just means you need to understand and manage them. Here are a few simple steps you can take to help yourself and your students at the same time.

·       Do Your Homework:

Start by learning about cyberbullying. Reading my Cyberbullying 101 for Teachers and School Personnel is a good place to start. It is a wealth of valuable information. Click around. Get some answers. (It's free and if you want a copy, let me know and I'll email it to you or post it here.) Then, ask the students. Spend some time discussing it in the classroom and in larger groups and talk one-on-one with targets, aggressors and all students.

·       Know Your Limits:

Find out what the official policy is about helping students who come to you for help. Ask the school board attorney, your headmistress or your union counsel.

What are the limitations or rules about disclosing what you learn from students? When can you and when must you share information and how? Talk to the school resource officer, if you have one, or your community policing experts. Find out what their policies are about official reports and unofficial inquiries. What about peer counseling? If students become aware of certain situations, when do they have to report them? How confidential are discussions with students? What are the privacy laws and rules? When do they apply? 

Write this all down. Get any written guidance that exists. Then work out a plan that allows you to be available to students who have been cyberbullied without putting yourself at risk, legally. You may want to run your understanding of the rules by school officials to make sure it is legally compliant and still addresses students’ needs and what you hope to accomplish or expect to face. Then follow these rules. Review them before meeting with a troubled student, if you can. Try and propose that they been adopted as formal rules and guidance to help others in the school too.

·       Communicate the Rules:

Writing down the rules does more than help you. It can be the guide to your peers and students too. Let the students know what you may and may not do. Let them know the limits on what you are permitted to do and how things work if they confide certain things in you. Warn them in advance that if you believe that they are at risk, you have to share what they tell you (even if told to you in confidence) to others who can protect them or others from them.

Talk to the Professionals:

Guidance counselors are the best place to start. You will use them at least twice – once when you need to learn about working with students’ emotional issues and setting up a process for addressing any inquiry from a student for help with cyberbullying and again when looking into a particular students’ vulnerabilities and the risks posed by the cyberbullying of that student on a case-by-case basis.

Talk to child psychologists, medical professionals and social workers you may have access to about how these things work. Talk to suicide prevention specialists at suicide helplines and cyberbullying experts trained by Parry Aftab.

Talk to peer counselors in your school or a local high school if you have them. Read StopCyberbullying’s cyberbullying guides. And talk to students who have been through this and survived in one piece about what they needed and why they sought or didn’t seek help. Reach out to affected families too. See what they can teach you.

·       Act like a Defense Lawyer:

If you are required to report what they tell you, whether you think it’s the right approach or not, do what good defense lawyers do. Because they are not permitted to put their client on the stand if they know or have reason to believe that the client intends to lie on the stand, they have learned some tricks of the trade. They explain these limitations to their clients first and help guide them in responding the right way to avoid creating complications. Instead of asking them if they "did it," they ask what others might testify about their involvement with the crime. They ask the client to outline possible scenarios that could be raised by the prosecutor or witnesses. 

By using some of these tactics, you may be able to understand the problem faced by the student without having to report things until you are sure they need to be reported. Then, if it’s a situation that has to be shared for the wellbeing of the student or others, you will have to bite the bullet and tell.

By explaining this rule as well as the others to the student first, you won’t feel as though you are betraying their trust. They knew the rules and you tried. Ultimately, the student’s safety and the safety of others are paramount. Remember that when using lawyer’s tricks. They are not designed to trick the system, but only to help you get the whole picture without having to stop and fill out lots of paperwork or turn the student away, if it turns out not to be necessary.

·       Be an Active Listener:

There are lots of ways we listen. Most involve our not listening very well or at all. We may be doing our shopping list in our heads, thinking about what we are doing next, what we will say as soon as they stop talking long enough to let us butt-in or a myriad of others distractions. Rarely do we stop long enough and silence the noise in our brains to really listen. 

But when students are being victimized, we have to listen – carefully! We need to understand the facts, as the student knows them. We need to watch for emotional reactions and understand how vulnerable the student is at this moment. We need to be engaged and let the student know we are engaged and truly listening. Sometimes knowing that someone listened to them is enough. Sometimes it’s the prelude to you having to take action. You won’t know unless you listen.

First Things First:

Only after you have listened thoroughly, once in stream of consciousness and the second for the facts, and only after you have reviewed your notes should you comment. Before then, be supportive, let them know you are listening and that you care. Tell them that they matter and that you know that. Promise to try to help and not make things worse. And never show shock or give the impression that you are judging them.

Evaluate the situation? Are they being threatened? Is this a fresh attack or has it been ongoing for months? Is there time to review things, or do you have to act fast? How many others are involved? Is it slowing down or exploding? Are there public posts that are creating serious problems? Is sexting involved or other forms of sexual exploitation? Is extortion involved? What about other cybercrimes? Is there cyberbullying-by-proxy involving service providers or hate groups?

Then look at the student’s vulnerability in general or specifically related to the attack. How emotionally fragile is the student? How supportive is their family? Is something going on at home? Are special higher-risk factors involved, such as GLBT issues, victimization, recently moved to the community, a family death, financial crisis or serious illness. Is the student specially-abled?

Is this an at-risk student liable to hurt themselves or others? Are the others involved likely to get physical? Act fast, but thoughtfully. Get others involved who need to be involved. If you aren’t sure what to do, make sure that school administrators/leaders are briefed and that mental health professionals apprised.

·       Do No Harm:

Don’t blame the student, judge them in any way or question their decisions or actions. Understand that thy may have engaged in high-risk behavior, made bad judgments or have resorted to "self-help" and launched counter-attacks of their own.

There is time to correct that behavior later or discuss better decision-making. Don’t drag in the cyberbullies and demand apologies. Don’t lose your cool! Don’t do anything to make matters worse. And look for the signs of self-harm or the potential of suicides or harm to others. Make sure that the student feels and is safe at home, school and in their community.

If there has already been a school suicide or attempted suicide, note that others often follow this precedent more readily than at other times. In several US cases multiple suicides took place in a series of related self-harm. Make sure that the entire student body is considered on a suicide watch, bring in professionals and give parents the information they need to protect their children during these troubling episodes. 

Get the guidance counselors, social workers or child psychologists involved early and effectively. Get peer counselors on board and find student support for the victim/target. Bring in their close friends and let them know how to be supportive and where they can go when they feel overwhelmed too. 

Talk to the student about what they would like you to do. Just listen? Get involved? Storm the fortresses? Take that into consideration. While you may not always be able to do what they want, the more you know about what they want the better you can address their needs. 

Don’t forward sexing or sexting images. If someone needs to see them, make sure it complies with the school’s sexual images policy. Make sure that any copies given to you either in print or electronically are reported immediately, stored in compliance with that policy and secured. 

Don’t expel or suspend students for cyberbullying events that occur outside of the school premises, after-hours or outside of a school sponsored activity, such as an away game or school newspaper investigation unless you have a written cyberbullying policy or legal authority to do so. The lawsuits that follow may result in hefty financial damages to the school and sometimes the school personnel.

·       Lend a Hand and Share the Wealth:

The more you know and learn, the better you can guide others. Consider joining the StopCyberbullying Global program offered online or in your community, getting professional development training or delivering some professional development programs of your own. Shoot some video and share them with me so we can share them with others. Do a podcast. Write an article or guide. The more we can share our expertise and experiences with others, the faster we will all be able to tackle this growing problem and the safer our students will be.

[1] Based on polling of 45,000 students 7th-10th grade in the us and Canada.

[2] Interestingly, students in Bermuda have told Parry Aftab that they do not trust their peers, no matter how close they are, since peers/close friends never keep a secret. In Bermuda, they often turn to their younger family members. This preferred trusted cousin/sibling relationship is often seen in smaller jurisdictions, such as Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island and US and Canadian mid-Western communities where everyone knows everyone and all of their business.