Trust! What does it really mean?

It was not until recently that I've realized that the word “trust” is probably one of the most exploited words in our vocabulary. We freely use it no matter what language we speak. We liberally use it in our conversations on a mostly daily basis. We see it plastered all over billboards promoting all kinds of branded products.  And, lots of companies simply claim it to be part of their company values…

But, in reality, do we really know what the word "Trust" means? 

Recently, I, unfortunately, lost trust in someone that was quite dear to me for some time. After going through such an ordeal, I was wondering what really triggered this loss of faith in that person after having entrusted him with so much over a long period of time. 

So, I’ve decided to write about “trust” as it is one of the main three pillars for building and maintaining "relationships.” Of course, along with “common goal/grounds” and “communication,” building and maintaining what we call a healthy “relationship” depends mostly on "trust." What makes that particular pillar stand out amongst the other two pillars is the fact that once “trust” is broken, it truly shatters the very essence of any “relationship.”  

While there’s always room for realigning “common goals,” between concerned parties, and of course, there’s always a way on working to improve “communication" between people, when it comes to “trust," however, it’s a totally different issue.

Once “trust” is broken, it’s near impossible to restore it back to its original glory. You see, “trust” is like glass; once shattered, the cracks will always be somehow visible. Even if you pick every single little piece of that broken glass and glue them so professionally back together, cracks will still be obvious forever and ever.

I once read that “trust is a feeling and not a set of directions.” What a true statement that is indeed! No matter how hard someone tries to make you trust them, if that “trust” gets shaky, you eventually get to a point where your feelings and emotions are in conflict with your rational thinking.  No matter how hard you try to trust that person again, your gut feeling will always get in the way and veer you away from that person.

As I was trying to analyze those feelings over that person that I can no longer trust again, I decided to apply a very simple concept that we cover in most of our training sessions, to further explain what “trust” really means. 

So, here is a mathematical approach to explain what "trust" is all about through an equation, called the “Trust Equation,” developed by Charles H. Green of the "Trusted Adviosr Associates LLC" in New Jersey, USA:

As you can see, this is a simple algebraic equation with three factors (Credibility, Reliability, and Intimacy) in the numerator and one factor (Self-Orientation) in the denominator. 

From our early school years, we all know that to increase T (trust) or, in other words, to become more trustworthy we need to have the factors in the numerator go up and the one in the denominator go down. Of course, you can play around with the equation and have variables move in opposite directions, but the purpose of this article is to keep the explanation as simple as possible and not to go into such different mathematical possibilities.   

So, in its most simplistic form, to increase “trust,” one of the variables we need to work on is “Credibility.” Of course, the more credible a person is, the more trustworthy he or she becomes. Generally speaking, knowledge, education, and experience add to a person’s credibility. So to start with, and to become more of a trustworthy person, always make sure to keep on learning, to keep on honing your skills, and of course to keep on becoming more knowledgeable, especially in the field you are in. 

As for “Reliability,” it’s all about delivering on your promises. So, it's simply "taking action." Following through with what you promise only makes you more reliable and thus more trustworthy. Those who just talk for the sake of talking eventually become perceived as being less and less trustworthy. For me personally, this is one of the most critical variables in the equation. This is what makes or breaks “trust.” Even if your “Credibility” goes up, but your “Reliability” is not keeping up at the same pace, the “Trust” variable in your equation will go down and you inevitably become perceived as being less of a trustworthy person. 

So watch out! If you keep on breaking your promises, one after the other, you eventually become perceived as nothing but a deceitful, insincere, and worthless person. As the old saying goes, “you can’t just talk the talk, you’ve gotta walk the talk!”

Now, when it comes to “Intimacy”, it’s all about being there for others. It’s about being an approachable person. It's about building rapport with others. It’s is about showing care and having that genuine smile on your face. It’s about making someone feel safe and secure with themselves when they're around you. Intimacy is not just about attentively listening to someone but more importantly, it’s about empathically listening to them and being there for them. 

“Intimacy” is all about communication. It's about the approach you use to relay your message to others that makes a big difference. As the saying goes, “it’s not what you say; it’s how you say it.” And, as my lovely wife Lama, always says, “it’s about why you say it” and “when you say it” as well. 

So again, no matter how “credible” you are, to be able to relay your message in a proper, effective, and “intimate” way is key to communication. 

Even if sometimes you have to be hard on the other person and somehow end up resorting to being harsh to get your message across, you still need to watch out. No matter how right you might be, making someone feel bad and guilty about their wrongdoings over and over again, would eventually only make you less of a trustworthy person. That person you are trying to counsel might very well stop confiding in you one day. 

On the other hand, showing someone that you’re supportive, understanding and caring, will surely make your message well absorbed. Your suggested solutions will be taken more seriously.

Now comes the one and only factor in the denominator, which is “Self-Orientation”, the one that we need to decrease so that “Trust” goes up.

Self-orientation is all about seeing and dealing with things from only one perspective. Self-orientation is about how much you are focused on yourself versus the other person. When it becomes hard for you to see things from different perspectives, you can easily be perceived as being a "self-centered" and an arrogant person who believes that the world only revolves around yourself. 

Self-orientation is also a situation when you share minimum information with others, and when you insist on doing things your way and your only way. This will eventually and unfortunately make others lose faith in you and only diminish their trust in you. 

So, always ask yourself where you stand when it comes to "Self-Orientation." Always remind yourself that in order to become more of a trustworthy person, you need to be more open-minded to other perspectives and have the ability to see things from other people’s points of view as well.  That is to say, you need to lower your "self-orientation" temperament.

As Stephen Covey puts it: “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

So, as a conclusion, and to become more of a trustworthy person, make sure you:

1. Become more knowledgeable about whatever you’re into. Read more, learn more, write more, and most importantly enjoy more of what you’re doing. The more you enjoy what you do, the more you become interested in your field. The more interested in your field you become, the more you want to learn about it.  And the more you learn about it, the more of an expert you become...thus the more “Credible” and the more trustworthy you become. 

2. Follow through and deliver on your promises. If you have any doubts and you’re not confident enough to deliver on your promise, just make sure you under-promise and over-deliver, but never over-promise and under-deliver. If you fail to deliver on your promise, however, just admit to your mistake and sincerely apologize. People are good-hearted. They will understand and appreciate your honesty. That’s how we become more reliable. The more “Reliable” you are, the more trustworthy you become.

3. Try to become more of a sincere person. Become more approachable. I know it might be impossible to be nice to everyone in the world, but no matter what, just try to become more of a nicer person. Try to wear a smile on your face at all times and show more respect no matter what. The more “Intimate” you are, the more trustworthy you become.  

4. Always be there for those who seek to confide in you. Make sure you devote your time and effort to make them feel special. Listen to them and understand where they’re coming from. Make them feel that they are the center of your attention. Remember that this is the one factor that you need to decrease to become more of a trustworthy person. The less “Self-Oriented” you are, the more trustworthy you become. 

Last but not least, and again, always remember that “Trust is not a set of directions, but rather, a feeling.” Make sure that this feeling is felt by as many people you get in touch with as possible.

God bless and Thank you :)