Trust the Process

It’s not a detour it’s life. As a child I decided I wanted to be free. I was the eldest girl child and female grandchild. I was parentified because that’s what happens to the girl child.

I cringe when parents say ‘deputy parent’! So much responsibility is placed on the Deputy Parent. Free baby sitting services. Free cook. Free cleaner. It becomes one’s identity and parents actually reward premature maturity. I was responsible. I was left with all my sisters, cousins, nephews and nieces. I could mix baby formula. I could cook. I could manage a household and study. So I was not that doe eyed teenager who wanted to be married and have a white picket fence.

Culturally this could not be allowed. I could not rebel against the image of the perfect girl child. Culturally a girl child will belong to the family she will be married into, so essentially one’s life only begins when one is taken. This has influenced policies on inheritance and Zimbabwean women have worked very hard to right this perception. Until 2010 I could not even get official documentation for my children without their father. Culturally the children belong to their father they are not technically related to me. I am a vessel.

The first picture was taken in December 2015. I was 49 years old. Professionally I was en forme. Personally I was separated and drowning. The second was taken in the Pacific I was 53. I was slowly regaining myself. The third was taken in November 2024 I was 58 years old and had found my inner child.

I quote my sage Nyemudzai Tatenda Garwe who is responsible for identifying the phases: ‘Three. Before, during, after.

The girl in the middle was still prioritizing everyone else, yet short changing her needs and desires. The lady on the right puts herself first, enhances her natural beauty’!

I spent 23 years of my life being a people pleaser. It almost killed me. I was everything to everyone and I was depressed. I felt as if I was in a tug of war with everyone wanting a piece of me. It’s not about other people it’s about me.

To anyone who feels as if they are drowning you have to go through it. If you’re in an abusive relationship prepare your exit. Remember the most dangerous time is when you leave. An abuser can and may choose to kill you. It can be fatal. If you made a mistake and maybe had a teen pregnancy or you chose not to study, or any life circumstance, don’t beat yourself up.

Decide a date and execute. Reinvent yourself.

I left the country and the continent of my birth. It was not easy. I became a single parent. I was the breadwinner. I was barely holding it together. I renovated the family home plunging myself into debt because the roof had to be renovated and our tenants had ruined some places. I was still trying to be all things to all people.

My burnout and subsequent hospitalization saved me. I collapsed and could not stop crying. It was not as if I was not doing all the necessary things to heal. I was. I had sought therapy. I was exercising. Facebook is an excellent visual testament to glimmers of my journey.

I had to focus solely on healing. I had to go within. I had to face myself. I forgave myself. I had not done anything wrong per sé. I had just not put my needs , my desires and myself first. I had to relearn putting myself first.

It’s exhausting saying no to people who are used to yeses. They become belligerent. They hit out.

I attracted energy vampires and manipulative people. Once they realized that healed me was no longer putting up with their nonsense they gaslit me and they played victim. I was firefighting in places and rooms I was not even in. As people slowly revealed themselves and I chose me I started dropping friends.

I started building my tribe. As I sought a new tribe I met some charlatans. I had signs. The most spectacular was a so called financial guru. Blood suckers hate having their supply cut off. It all fell apart when I called bullshit. The mask was off.

It was at that moment that I realized that I was the miracle I was looking for. I did not need external validation. I was enough.

The journey has been amazing. Stepping into the Wadzi I was from 18 to 28 has been heartwarming and heartbreaking. For the record I have no regrets. I have always lived a life of no regrets. The decisions I made were all valid.

What we never factor in is the state of mind of the person that is making the decisions. In the first two pictures I was a high functioning depressed person. In the first picture I am dressed as if I’m depressed. In the second difficult to tell.

I’m very glad I have stepped into myself. I have collapsed all versions of me in the different decades of my life into one. I am reconciled and rejuvenated. I am complete.

My book which is dropping on the 25 February 2025 is a tribute to Wadzanai Valerie Garwe. I started by reclaiming my maiden name. I then started ‘the long walk to freedom’. Conformity and people pleasing almost killed me.

I refuse to be a statistic to my upbringing and limiting beliefs. I do not do toxicity. I walk away from energy vampires. I walk away from blood suckers. I am unapologetic about whom I am.

Never regret the process. It’s important to pick a date and keep it moving. That date was 1 September 2015. I walked away from my marriage and I walked into a love story with myself. I chose radical love, radical acceptance and radical compassion. I learnt to ‘Attend to my Basic Needs with Compassion (ABC).

I am unapologetically me.

I do me unapologetically - the world has and will adjust!

Ndini Mambokadzi Wadzanai - Radical Self Love Advocate