Trust Me - Yeah, Right!

"It's O.K. John, trust me on this" or "trust me, Jane, you won't find a better deal" or "Come on Jerry, don't you trust me?"

Have you ever heard statements like these before? How did you feel? Did you feel like trusting the person? If so, how much—a little bit, fully, or somewhere in-between?

I’m curious. Have you ever wondered what trust really is and what having it can do for you? I'm sure you know people you trust and people you do not. I invite you to indulge yourself to playfully think about them for a moment and ask yourself, “what are the specific things about each person that causes me to trust or not trust them?” Bring those into your conscious awareness and hang them on imaginary hooks in a special closet where you can grab them at any time for future reference. And while you are at it, you may as well assign a number from 0-100 to each person indicating how much you trust them. (Please PAUSE while you do that…take all the time you need...come back when you are ready to continue reading…great job by the way!)

Now, you can have some more fun playing a little game as you read the rest of my article. You do like to have fun, do you not? That’s right! Here is how to play. First, take notice when you read anything in this article about trust that matches up with anything hanging on those imaginary hooks. For every match, congratulate yourself in some fashion for already knowing that. Second, when you read something about trust that you notice is not hanging on one of those imaginary hooks, grab it and hang it on another hook. Congratulate yourself in some fashion for learning something new. Lastly, when you are finished the entire article, notice how many hooks you have and all the many things you now know about trust. Congratulate yourself again in some fashion for being such an attentive learner. That’s it, easy-peasy. Yes?

“Where does trust come from and how can I get it?

Now, let's explore together the question: “Where does trust come from and how can I get it?” Trust is not simply about being honest and truthful. It is way, way more than that. Nor is it an all-or-nothing trait—it has levels. You can have no trust, some trust, a lot of trust, full trust or any other level you want to choose, can you not? That’s right! And your assigned level for a given person or organization can change over time, can it not? Right again!

You do not have to believe me—at this moment anyway—because I know you have not had a chance, yet, to compare my things to the things hanging on all your hooks. Therefore, I know you have not yet decided to fully trust me, correct?

Perhaps you are curious, now, about what I might have to further say about the topic of trust and will continue to read my article, anticipating there just may be something new in it that you do not know already. And because I know that you know your decision to continue reading my article—whether you believe me; whether you trust me on some level—is entirely yours to make, I respect you and your decision, whatever that is.

Here is a little bit of information about me that will help you decide what level to trust me. I have 58 years’ life experience since being born. I have been a Cub Scout, Gold and World Awards Boy Scout, Gold Duke of Edinburgh International Programme Award holder, Cub Master, Scout Master, Agricultural Engineer, Commercial Farm Manager, Engineering and Business Consultant, Research Scientist, University Professor, Senior Leader, C-suite Executive, Business Owner, Leadership Coach, Personal Development Coach, and Community Volunteer. And I have met and gotten to know people in 23 countries—many of whom have become close personal friends.

I have worked in multiple industries in the private sector and within government and academia. I have experienced business successes and failures, major business restructuring and change, and positive and toxic work environments. I have been witness to, and the subject of, workplace harassment by people in positions of trust—leaders and managers at all levels.

I have lived through many personal ups and downs including severely traumatic childhood sexual abuse, marriage and divorce, raising children into adulthood, Major Depressive Disorder-suicidal ideation, PTSD, a heart attack, a suspected inflammatory autoimmune muscle disorder that left me nearly bedridden, and myriad other body illnesses. I AM a survivor!

What is the difference that makes the difference for some leaders to be revered and some to be hated?

During the last 20 years or so, I have been very curious about understanding what was going on in the brains/minds of certain people I had worked with, worked for, coached, mentored, and taught—both good and bad—and abusive people; particularly those darn charismatic narcissists who often weasel their way into positions of leadership. You probably know someone like that. I wondered what is the difference that makes the difference for some leaders to be revered and some to be hated?

To figure that out, I began learning new things that would help me. I have studied and taken training programs in the fields of Great Leadership, Employee Engagement, Personal and Professional Development, Positive Psychology, Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP), Psychobiology, Hypnotherapy, Epigenetics, Neuropsychopharmacology, Psychoneuroendocrinology, Psychosocial Coherence, Human Brains and Neuroscience, and Brains-Minds-Body-Universes’ Energy Source Connections, among other fields of study. Wow, that last one is a mouthful to read, is it not? You may be wondering and it’s all-ways a good thing to wonder...no way, really? Yup, I really have!

The most important personal trait is TRUSTWORTHINESS. And a person’s ability to create MUTUAL TRUST is the number one thing that makes every business and personal relationship successful.

With these new skills and knowledge—and using the NLP modelling process—I have unpacked and codified the traits I had consciously and unconsciously observed through these people’s behaviours and other people’s reactions to them; including my own. Not surprisingly, the revered and hated had many common traits, but at opposite ends of each trait’s elemental spectrum. Because of my observations, learning, and research, I conclude the most important trait is TRUSTWORTHINESS. And a person’s ability to create MUTUAL TRUST is the number one thing that makes every business and personal relationship successful.

Nine Cs of Trust: 1. Competence, 2. Consistency, 3. Congruence, 4. Confidence, 5. Caring, 6. Commitment, 7. Confidentiality, 8. Communicative, 9. Cleanly

Unpacked, the trait of TRUSTWORTHINESS has nine essential elements: 1) Competence, 2) Consistency, 3) Congruence, 4) Confidence, 5) Caring, 6) Commitment, 7) Confidentiality, 8) Communicative, and 9) Cleanly. I call them the Nine Cs of Trust. If you want someone to trust you fully—100%—then you must possess and display ALL these elements to the person. You must open your closet door and let the person get familiar and comfortable with what they see hanging on your hooks. The degree to which you do will determine the level of trust that they unconsciously assign you in their mind. If any one or more of these elements is less than adequate to the person—or missing—then there will not be full trust. Below are some further details on what I have learnt comprises each element:

1) Competence. Competence is your technical ability to ‘deliver the goods’. You must possess the skills and knowledge to do what is required of the job at hand. The person you are dealing with needs to know you are competent, otherwise they will not place their full trust in you. This does not mean that you need to be so good that you do not make mistakes. Au contraire! Even the most competent people make mistakes—nobody's perfect! You do, however, need to admit to the person when you have made a mistake, and work quickly to understand and rectify it. Then devise a way to ensure the mistake is not repeated. And if you need more skills and knowledge…learn them! Increasing your competency increases trust.

2) Consistency. Being consistent in your actions and mannerisms creates a sense of familiarity. The person you are dealing with will then feel connected with you. They will know what to expect from you—that you are predictable and reliable. Changing your ‘stripes’, especially suddenly with no seemingly plausible reason, will cause a person to immediately be suspicious of your motive(s). Having a hidden agenda leads to diminished trust.

3) Congruence. Congruence is being in alignment with your beliefs and values. Not only does this contribute to building trust—it is one of your key motivational forces and keeps you healthy. A person will unconsciously sense when you are putting on airs or a false front. When they do, they get an uneasy feeling, and begin to internally question your sincerity and integrity—which leads to diminished trust.

4) Confidence. You must display a quiet confidence in your abilities so that others will have confidence in you. If you are not confident in yourself, no one else will be either. Nobody likes a braggart, so a little humility tends to go a long way. You must also show unwavering confidence in the other person and give them freedom to make the mistakes they will undoubtedly make. And be ready to give support and use appropriate corrective action in a way that helps them learn and grow, not tears them down. Tearing someone down—besides being very unhealthy for them—is a very quick way to losing trust.

 5) Caring. Being genuinely concerned with how your actions affect the well being of the other person shows that you care about them. If you care about them, they will most likely care about you. Caring helps build rapport, mutual respect, understanding, and a feeling of emotional and physical safety. And show people some appreciation in some way will you. Geez, they are working hard on your behalf. As well, when the time comes for tough decisions to be implemented—without a doubt it will—show some empathy and fairness to the other person. Despite what many think, my experience as a leader has taught me that it is possible to be tough, empathetic, and fair at the same time. And remember, how you treat one person will become known to all the others. As the old saying goes “you reap what you sow”. You’ll be reaping less trust all around if you do not care.

6) Commitment. Show others that you are committed to supporting and ensuring their success as well as that of the organization. By doing so, you will convince them they are valued as individuals and as part of the whole. If they do not feel valued, they will not value you or the organization, no matter what else you do. And you will not get their best from them either. You will get mis-trust.

7) Confidentiality. You must demonstrate that you can keep sensitive matters discussed between yourself and the other person confidential, either when asked specifically by the other person or when a situation inherently requires confidentiality. It is well known that no one trusts a blabbermouth. Breaking confidentiality fully breaks trust—instantly.

8) Communicative. Communicating openly, frankly, honestly and truthfully with others will open the lock to their hearts and show them that you have a heart too. You do not want to be a Tin Woodsman do you? I could say heartless bastard, but I won’t. There are always some people in an organization or your life that have the nose of a bloodhound. They can smell a lie a mile away. And there are others that have the gift of a sixth sense. If you think you can lie with a smile on your face, you are sorely mistaken. Your body language will give you away every time. It is best for you and the organization that you be straight-up with people. They will appreciate that and become more trustful.

9) Cleanly. Displaying good personal hygiene and dressing appropriately for situations when you will be with others will show them that you may be trustworthy. Perhaps you may be thinking that’s a load of BS? You were taught at a young age “not to judge a book by its cover”. But, come on, is that what you really do when you meet someone for the first time? I think not. Let’s be truthful with ourselves. WE ALL—at first sight at least—take a good look at someone and “size them up” because of our autonomic fight or flight response, do we not? That’s right! If you were to see me for the first time and I looked ‘unsightly’ or ‘threatening’ in any way, would you even want to be near me, let alone trust me? Likely not. Am I right? At the very least your ‘internal fear factor’ would signal you to be cautious of me. You might even go so far as to avoid me if you can. No trust there—no siree bub…not yet anyways. Looking like someone who can be trusted is a must to get past others’ initial reaction to seeing you, so they will be open to ‘looking inside the cover’. Only then can trust begin to be established.

Doing business with someone—whether internal or external to your organization—is an act of trust.

So, there you have it. The Nine Cs is where trust comes from. And doing business with someone—whether internal or external to your organization—is an act of trust. When you are deciding to work with someone, you are checking the imaginary hooks in your unconscious mind whether to, or how much to, trust the person—and they you. When a customer is deciding to purchase a product or service from your business, they are determining whether to trust that product or service and all that stands behind it—including you and your team. When it comes to financing your business, the same goes for investors and bankers. They ultimately invest or provide financing because they decide to TRUST YOU. Oh, and by the way, the Nine Cs of trust work for relationships in your personal life too! Yup, they do. And it’s O.K. to trust ME right now…about that too…is it not?

You get trust from living the Nine Cs. Spending time developing them in yourself and your team will ultimately increase the level of trust in yourself, your team’s trust in you, and others' trust in your organization. Once you have it fully, you become one of the revered! You will also have a team with high morale, satisfied customers, confident investors, and supportive bankers…and that results in healthy, sustainable organizations and relationships...correct?

In closing, I thank you sincerely for reading my article in its entirety all at once or in several bite-sized chunks until you are finished. Perhaps you will even read some sections more than once to bring you deeper understanding. I hope it has provided you with some extremely important information that you can use right away.

Oh...and one last thing. Is it O.K. to FULLY TRUST YOURSELF...right now...so you can, you know, become one of the revered? That would be wonderful, would it not?

Kind regards,

Kevin.

“MY MISSION is to courageously bring what I know about extremely important topics forward to the world—informed by science, infused with life experience—into the mainstream of human consciousness with caring, gentleness, kindness, respect, spirit and grace, so people who want to be helped can find courage to live their dreams not yet lived—quietly creating with heartfelt gratitude—peaceful, vibrant, healthy, harmonious, and all-loving communities around the world in which there is a place for everyone to belong. In so doing, I also get to live my dreams not yet lived.”

(CC BY-ND 4.0) 2003—2019 Kevin J. Sibley This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License. For uses beyond the limits of this license, you may ask me directly.