The Trump-Macron Diplomatic Dance

Act I: The Handshake Wars Return

Presidents Trump and Macron reunited at the White House Monday in what diplomats are calling "The Most Awkward Playdate of 2025." The two leaders, reprising their famous grip-and-grin battles from years past, engaged in what appeared to be an arm-wrestling match disguised as a handshake. Sources report both men's knuckles turned white, but their smiles never wavered – the true mark of international diplomacy.

Scene 1: "We Disagree on Everything, But Look How Friendly We Are!"

While monuments across Europe lit up in Ukrainian blue and yellow, the White House remained stubbornly... white. When asked if this was a statement, officials explained they were "saving on electricity bills" because, you know, mineral rights don't pay for themselves.

The meeting agenda appeared simple:

- Compliment each other's hair ?

- Pretend to agree on things ?

- Completely contradict each other while smiling ???

Scene 2: The "Who Said What" Game

Trump: "Ukraine started it!"

Macron: [smiles in French]

Trump: "Putin's not a dictator."

Macron: [blinks SOS in Morse code]

Trump: "Europe only gave $100 billion in loans."

Macron: [switches to perfect English] "Actually, no. We gave real money."

Trump: [makes face that says 'fake news' without saying 'fake news']

Act II: The Peace Plan Comedy Hour

Scene 1: Mathematics According to Different Countries

American Math: $350 billion in aid to Ukraine

European Math: $138 billion in aid to Ukraine

Actual Math: $119 billion from America

Trump Math: "Three times more than Europe!"

Macron: [Mentally calculating how many croissants he needs to stress-eat later]

Scene 2: The Mineral Rights Shopping Spree

Trump outlined his innovative peace plan:

1. Ukraine gives America all its minerals

2. America gives Ukraine... good vibes?

3. Russia gets... well, everyone's still working on that part

4. Peace happens "within weeks, if we're smart"

Scene 3: The European Solidarity Tour

While Trump contemplated a Moscow victory lap, European leaders formed an orderly queue outside the White House:

- Poland's President Duda: Waited over an hour for Trump (bringing new meaning to "Polish patience")

- Britain's PM Starmer: Scheduled for Thursday (reportedly practicing his "I'm listening intently" face)

- Other European leaders: Drawing numbers like at a deli counter

Grand Finale: The Diplomatic Translation Guide

When Trump said: "I think a lot of progress has been made."

He meant: "Putin and I have had some great calls."

When Macron said: "Dear Donald, our friendship and shared agenda..."

He meant: "Please don't throw NATO down the draine before I get back to Paris."

When Trump said: "I really believe Putin wants to make a deal."

He meant: "He said nice things about me."

When Putin said Trump "says what he wants"

He meant: [funny laugh in Russian]

As the meeting concluded, Macron hugged Trump in what body language experts describe as "the embrace of someone trying to keep their wallet from being picked." European peacekeepers are standing by to monitor the ceasefire between these two allies' actual positions.

Coming soon: The sequel, where Ukraine's minerals play themselves in "The Art of the Steal."

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