True Self vs. Role Self

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Are you living as your True Self or your Role Self?

What is the opposite of death? Take a moment and think of your answer. Many of us would say that life is the opposite of death. In a recent podcast, Eckhart Tolle said, “The opposite of death isn’t life. The opposite of death is birth.”

This makes sense when you think of your soul as something that always exists. Soul is the physical manifestation of our energy. It’s eternal. If you’re a parent of grown children, you’ve probably had the experience of realizing some aspects of your kids’ personalities were baked in from the very beginning, when they were still infants.?

We are born with our True Self. It’s our best self. When we’re acting as our True Self, we’re in a state flow. Things are firing on all cylinders. Everything is aligned—our purpose, our talents, our environment. You become focused on solutions, not problems.?

So we’re born with our authentic soul, but between infancy and adulthood, something happens. Our Role Self starts appearing, an identity that we adopt, and we begin drifting from the impact we were designed to have in the world. It shows up early in childhood as a result of criticism or shame. It could be from the way you’re raised, your family structure, your socio-economic status or what society deems appropriate or not for you. That last one is especially hard for women. Our culture heaps a ton of expectations and limitations on women, especially women of color.?

Even in the healthiest families, children begin to get detached from their True Self. Take birth order, for example. There are often different expectations for the oldest child, the middle child, and the youngest. Or one child gets labeled “the difficult one” while another becomes “the nurturer.” You get put into that role when you’re too young to really think critically about it—and then you begin to live it.?

After a few decades of that, what happens is that your True Self gets so enmeshed with your Role Self that we can no longer tell where one ends and the other begins. You feel lost, overwhelmed, frustrated, and stressed because you just don’t know who that True Self is anymore.

Last week, I wrote about where we have impact in our lives. Operating from your True Self is where you have impact on the world and find fulfillment. That’s why it’s important to peel away the layers of your Role Self to get back to who you truly, authentically are.

I want you to do an exercise today, one that will help you become more conscious of your True Self. Take a sheet of paper and fold it in half lengthwise. On one side, write “My True Self” and on the other, write “My Role Self.” I have a set of questions for you to answer. I want you to go deep and be honest.?

The first set is for your True Self. Take yourself back to who you were before fourth grade:?

• What were you interested in?
• Who were your favorite people, and what did you like about them?
• If you had free time, what did you like to do?
• How did you like to play?
• What was your idea of a perfect day?
• What activities, situations, and people energized you?
• What were you like before you started trying to be someone else?
• Before you learned to judge and criticize yourself, what did you enjoy doing?
• What made you feel good?
• If you could be the person you really are (and didn’t have to worry about money) what would your life be like right now?

Now flip your paper over. Contemplate who you’ve had to become—your Role Self—in order to feel admired and loved:

• Are you now involved in things that you aren’t really interested in?
• What do you make yourself do because you think it means you’re a good person?
• Are there people you are involved with who deplete your energy and make you feel drained?
• What are you spending time on that’s boring to you?
• How would you describe the social role you try to play?
• How do you hope others see you?
• Which of your personality traits do you try to cover up?
• What are you glad nobody knows about you?

Now put your answers away for at least a day before comparing your answers to each set. Are you primarily living from your True Self or is your Role Self dominating your life? Where can you begin to reclaim your True Self? That’s where your alignment and impact lie.

Your true self wants to grow, be known, and express itself. It keeps pushing for your expansion and asks for your acceptance of its guidance and desires.

Our brilliance rests in our True Self. It has the power to elevate you, your company, and your community and impact the world. Here’s to walking in your brilliance - your True Self!

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