A True Pro, Behavior #2: Dine using proper etiquette for the occasion

This is the second article in a series on the qualities and behaviors practiced by people who rise to the top of their professions. See the previous article on Dress here.

“You can deny all you want that there is etiquette, and a lot of people do in everyday life. But if you behave in a way that offends the people you're trying to deal with, they will stop dealing with you...Etiquette doesn't have the great sanctions that the law has. But the main sanction we do have is in not dealing with these people and isolating them because their behavior is unbearable.” ~ Judith Martin, a.k.a. Miss Manners.

Good etiquette encompasses a wide range of social norms. We will touch on some additional ones in this series of articles. Good table manners are perhaps the foundation for all proper etiquette, because “breaking bread” with someone is a centuries old ritual which can forge a profitable new relationship, or forever extinguish it from taking hold. If you have ever dined with someone who did not know how to handle a knife and fork, talked with their mouth full, or discussed things which made you lose your appetite, then you know dining etiquette is an important behavior which strongly influences how you are perceived by others.

How you conduct yourself during meals, specifically in a business setting, speaks volumes about you. When you eat with the hiring team during a job interview, they are not concerned about how hungry you are, or if your meal is satisfying. They are consciously or subconsciously observing your habits and manners. Good manners are not always acknowledged, but bad manners are always noticed. How you eat at home or in the company of family and close friends is of lesser importance. Adapting how you eat and drink in the company of associates to conform to proper etiquette is a behavior of a true professional. Heed the words of Mark Twain: “Laws control the lesser man. Right conduct controls the greater.”

What does it mean to dine using proper etiquette for the occasion?

As a true professional, you observe and practice the decorum which is appropriate for the occasion. At a dinner party, you wait for the host to motion towards the seat you are to take, and wait for the host to be seated before seating yourself. Approaching any table alongside other guests, you take your chair from the left-hand side and exit on the right. In most settings, you wait for everyone at the table to be served before beginning to eat. In a formal setting, you wait for the host to start first.

You know how to use the silverware and which order to use it (the outside in). The number of silverware pieces tells you how many courses to expect, so you can pace yourself accordingly. Your napkin is placed in your lap after your host takes hers from the table. You know how to give and participate in a toast before the meal begins. You know the proper way to eat certain foods, especially which are finger foods and which require use of the silverware. You know how to pass dishes across the table. You always pass the salt and pepper together (to the right), even if the person requested only one of them. You eat at the same pace as most people at the table, taking your cues from the host.

A True Example

While on a roadshow in New York City to raise capital for my company, I was invited to have dinner with an investment banker who also happened to serve on the city council. He told me to meet him at the 21 Club in Manhattan at 6 pm sharp. I mentioned my dinner plans to another investor I was meeting with earlier in the day. He was impressed by who I was meeting with and where we were dining. He said, “If you want to make an impression, order the Steak Tartare. It’s not on the menu, but it’s an old favorite going back to the days when the place was a speakeasy in 1929. Only locals know about the dish and the chef will make it upon special request.”

At 6 pm sharp I eagerly entered the club. I had not eaten all day because of back-to-back meetings. I was starving. As I approached the reception stand the ma?tre' d looked horrified. He barked, “Young man, come with me!” He ushered me into a backroom where he promptly admonished me for not wearing a tie. He explained that if it were not for the fact I was there to meet the councilmen, he would be obliged to ask me to leave. He opened a drawer to expose a row of ties and asked me to select one. Now properly attired, I was escorted into the lounge where the councilmen awaited.

After apologizing for being late and improperly attired, we ordered drinks. The councilmen ordered a Scotch, neat. I asked the waiter what types of beers they had. He recoiled and then replied, “I’m not quite sure, I will need to check.” The councilmen raised his eyebrows and winced. “On second thought,” I said quickly, “I will have what the councilmen is drinking.”

Three hours and several drinks later, we were still sitting in the lounge talking about my business. I thought I was going to pass out from hunger as I was peppered with questions and pressed for details. Top that off with the fact I was not a scotch drinker, but trying to match my host drink-for-drink. No doubt I was not as articulate as I should have been making the case for why my company would be a good investment. Finally, the waiter came over to announce that our table was ready.

We entered the main dining room which was packed with important people and buzzing with loud conversation. Unbeknownst to me, it’s customary for a politician to make a grand entrance and then saunter slowly through the room, stopping to say hello to the luminaries and donors at every table on the way to his own table. At this point, I was about to faint. I was inebriated, a bit disheveled, and probably looked like I was going to be sick. My opportunity to make a good impression, and to make my host look good, had long past.

We finally made it to our table and ordered. As the host, the councilmen beckoned me to go first. This was the moment to redeem myself. I pulled myself together and confidently looked up to the waiter. “I’d like to have the Steak Tartare please.” The waiter looked surprised. “Very GOOD sir,” he replied. The councilmen smiled and nodded his approval. He then ordered a ribeye with baked potato. I was salivating.

Now this is the point in the story where I must confess I had no idea what Steak Tartare was. I wasn’t that worldly of a guy at that stage in my career and had little culinary experience. Hey, it had the word “steak” in it so that sounded good to me. The dish arrived on a platter covered with a large silver cover. The waiter made a great show of slowly placing the platter in front of me, then quickly removing the cover. Voila!

There it was. A huge plate of raw hamburger with an equally raw egg on top. For a minute, I thought the councilmen was pulling a joke on me. I began to laugh. The waiter looked concerned. “Is it not to your liking, sir?” he asked. The councilmen stared at me with furrowed brow. Realizing it was no joke, I starred at it as if it would be my last meal and muttered, “It looks amazing.” I did my best to eat it, but the hunger, the drinks and the stress, got the better of me. I excused myself from the table and fled to the bathroom, where I upchucked what little contents was in my stomach.

Suffice it to say I did not get the investment, but I learned an important lesson. Dining etiquette is not just about table manners. It is also knowing the proper attire and understanding the social norms and customs of those whom you are dining with. It’s knowing a little something about the dishes you will be served, and pacing yourself appropriately through the entire event. Dining etiquette is not about eating, but the entire experience and pageantry of dining with others in a formal (or professional) setting. 

Data point

Source: Emily Post Institute

The table place setting arrangement varies across cultures and by type of occasion. The formal place setting depicted here is common in American culture. The placement of utensils is guided by the menu, the idea being that you use utensils in an "outside in" order.

Strategies and tips for dining using proper etiquette for the occasion

So how do you practice proper etiquette?

First, understand the meal is not about YOU (unless you are the host). Only an inconsiderate, unprofessional social dolt would take a call or text during a meal with clients. Only a clueless, self-absorbed unprofessional would dominate the conversation or make it all about them, even if dining with associates instead of clients. Silence your devices and be prepared to engage in conversation with your host and other people at the table.

Second, if you need to step away from the table to take an important call or use the restroom, don’t announce your intentions. Simply say, ‘excuse me,’ and step away. Never take a call at the table! When returning to the table, only apologize if you have been away for an inordinate amount of time. Say something like, ‘What did I miss?’ Signal to those at the table that you are reengaging; focusing again on them and the conversation at hand, and not otherwise preoccupied with whatever it was that took you away from the table.

Third, be sensitive to the decorum expected for the occasion and by those with whom you are dining. Unless it is customary, and until the host takes the lead, do not smoke or order an alcoholic beverage. No matter how relaxed the atmosphere, try to keep your elbows off the table and, for heaven’s sake, don’t talk with your mouth full!

Fourth, if you must cough, sneeze or belch, turn your head and do it as discreetly as possible into your left hand (unless you are left-handed), with a handkerchief (always carry one when dining with others). You shake with your right hand, no one at the table wants to picture themselves having to shake hands with you after you coughed into it, or wiped your nose with it.

Fifth, avoid bringing up sensitive issues until you know where everyone stands. There’s a good rule to remember in social situations: never hold an election until you have first counted the votes. It’s common to discuss politics and religion, and to respectfully disagree with the opinions of others, but do so in a thoughtful manner. There should be no right or wrong, no black or white in your tone, but an open and receptive exchange of diverse opinions. Try to avoid using off-color language and making sweeping generalizations like, `All liberals are fiscally irresponsible,’ or ‘All conservatives are greedy capitalists.’

Sixth, don’t make your dietary restrictions everyone else’s problem. If ordering in a restaurant, speak your restrictions quietly to the waiter, don’t dramatize them. If attending a dinner party at someone’s home or office, speak to the host ahead of time so he or she is not embarrassed by serving you something you cannot eat. If you are brought dessert without ordering it, don’t refuse it. Gracefully accept it, compliment it, then politely offer it to someone else at the table.

Seventh, when acknowledging someone at the table or someone else in the room seated at another table, never point at them or waive your fork or knife at them. Dining is not a duel. Acknowledge them with an open palm wave. And, of course, never shout across the room or speak too loudly to someone across the table. Keep your voice at the same level as the other conversation at the table.

Finally, pace yourself through the entire meal and mind how you address the wait staff. Your food is not something to be attacked, nor should you be the last to finish the meal. If wine or other alcoholic beverages are being served, drink them at the pace of the others at the table. Nothing is more disconcerting to others than watching someone at the table chug down drinks like he is at a fraternity beach party. Be polite to the wait staff, saying please and thank you. Many a candidate lost the job or promotion because of acting superior or rude to the staff.

The Final Word, by Jacqueline Whitmore

"Whenever we make a mistake such as talking with a mouthful of food, ordering the wrong kinds of foods or holding our fork like a shovel, we ruin a relationship and diminish our personal brand."

Good reads and resources

How to Be Socially Savvy in All Situations, by Joy Weaver

Poised for Success: Mastering the Four Qualities That Distinguish Outstanding Professionals, by Jacqueline Whitmore

Global Etiquette Guide to Mexico and Latin America: Everything You Need to Know for Business and Travel Success, by Dean Foster

The Forgetful Gentleman: Thirty Ways to Turn Good Intentions into Action, by Nathan Tan

Miss Manners Minds Your Business, by Nicholas Ivor Martin and Judith Martin

Modern Manners: Tools to Take You to the Top, by Dorothea Johnson

Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That: A Modern Guide to Manners, by Henry Alford

How to Be a Gentleman: A Timely Guide to Timeless Manners, by John Bridges

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Stay tuned for Behavior #3: Maintain a healthy diet, exercise regularly and stay fit.

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Based on the book, A True Professional, by Michael O'Donnell