Is it true that no one will love you until you love yourself?

Welcome to February. There are hearts, cards and gifts for Valentine's Day everywhere. 

If you're single or in a relationship that's hit a rocky patch, this might be annoying or upsetting. You could even feel like your face is being rubbed in it every damn time you've popped out for a pint of milk. Maybe it doesn't even register for you...there are no right or wrong responses. 

One of the sayings about love that annoys me the most is the one about how no one will love you until you love yourself. It implies that the reason you're not in a relationship is because of your own low self-worth. 

It's definitely the case that unhealthy relationships stem from at least one person in the relationship not feeling good about themselves, and often both. Otherwise, why the need to control or be horrible, and on the other side of the coin why put up with it...

Not feeling that great about yourself is also a great way to get into a co-dependent relationship, as you may well meet a loving rescuer who wants to fix you. They might also want to control you longer term because once you're 'fixed', their role becomes invalid and then what? Easier to keep you small...so watch out for the fixers aka knights on white horses. 

It's also possible you'd 'settle' for less than you truly want or deserve, yet there can still be love on both sides. So perhaps low self-esteem acts as a brake on the possibility for truly healthy, fulfilling relationships to develop, rather than a total barrier to any kind of love. 

However, let's get honest. Struggling with how you feel about yourself and/or your body can stop you being loved because you don't feel like putting yourself out there and being rejected or treated badly. 

It can also be that you don't want to risk being wrong about your worth and love-ability. What if someone great really likes you and is lovely to you, and you have to let go of this idea that you're not enough, and experience being loved and pleasure. Pleasure doesn't just mean sexual pleasure either, pleasure comes in many forms, sensorially and emotionally. You have to allow yourself to experience it, which means believing you deserve it in the first place. 

I want to zoom in for a moment on the bit about how you feel about your body. I often hear worries that the way you look means you can't have a relationship because no one will find you physically attractive. Here are some of the common things that people say about themselves:

• Too old - grey hair, wrinkles, past childbearing age
• Too fat
• Ugly/not pretty enough
• Too short
• Too skinny
• Stretchmarks
• Not fit enough
• Shoulders or hips too wide
• Not enough curves or too many curves
• Mummy tummy 
• Cellulite
• Poor skin

I could go on. I know you know that the truth is, how you feel about how you look is the vital thing, it's not about how you actually look. 

Perhaps some of this is resonating with you, and perhaps you'd love to get past these barriers and open up to taking steps to meet someone. 

Next Saturday 8th Feb, the one and only Hayley Quinn, the UK's leading dating coach as well as a dear friend and all round awesome woman, is hosting her renowned workshop Commanding Love. She has invited me to deliver a section of it, focusing on self-esteem and body relationship and how they can affect dating. I'll be sharing some great tools for feeling gorgeous and date-able just as you already are. Just in case no one's told you today, you're not broken and you don't need fixing. 

If you're thinking about looking for love in 2020, then I know you'll get a lot out of it, have fun, meet some great people and you'll be very warmly welcomed. 

Tickets and full details are here: Commanding Love

If you'd like to get to know Hayley a little first, we recorded a video together jam packed with dating tips and it is now live in Harriet's Inner Circle on Facebook. Not yet a member of my free group? Come and join the fun! 

I know you're worth it, and I'd love you to be in a place where you feel worth it too to go out and meet someone amazing. 

Commanding Love