True Confessions of a Toxic Boss

Hello, my name is Lisa, and I was a toxic boss. At least, I’m sure that’s how people described me.

Merriam-Webster defines toxic as “extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful.” I was rarely harsh, may have appeared malicious and was definitely harmful.

But it wasn’t because I didn’t care about my team, was a ruthless careerist or didn’t want the job. I was thrilled at the prospect of supporting a team and helping them succeed and grow.

I was also new to management and unknowingly ill-equipped. It turns out enthusiasm, reading leadership books and taking classes isn’t enough.

Up to that point, I’d been a successful “individual contributor,” consistently meeting and exceeding expectations. My misguided drive to achieve was fueled by approval-seeking, though. A modus operandi that earned me a management role created a breeding ground for trust-busting perfectionism and a poor foundation for leadership.

It all started out okay. I connected well with the first few people on the team, and we were excited to be part of a new initiative. As my responsibilities grew, however, and decisions became more impactful, things slid sideways.

Embarrassingly enough as a long-time communications professional, I didn’t communicate well with my team. If I didn’t have clear guidance on something I waited too long to decide, and things got very murky. With no experience to guide me, I hired people who were not a good fit. I delegated tasks to my team that should have been mine and focused on things I thought made me look professional like keeping up with email and accepting every meeting invitation without question.

As the tension mounted my enthusiasm waned, I got scared and overwhelmed and then I began to withdraw.

I knew I needed help but was afraid to show my hand at work by requesting mentorship and guidance. I started therapy, sometimes taking a two-hour lunch. I always made up the time but never mentioned anything to my team. I often wonder, given the presumed lack of trust between us, whether they concluded I was acting entitled and taking long lunches. If I’d been in their shoes, I’d have thought the same thing, perhaps muttering “toxic” as I returned to my desk on time.

I ultimately lost the job. It’s ironic, really, that when your mission is to prevent disapproval, you become blind to the self-centered ways you invite it.

It has taken me years to admit this to myself and even longer to talk about it (outside therapy or coaching) but as I see more conversation about changing workplace culture, increasing our capacity to honor human needs and leaving room for well-rounded lives I think we need to talk about it.

These are all things I steadfastly supported as a manager. Even as I floundered, I reminded them to take vacation, go home early on Friday, put their phones down at home. “Don’t hawk your email, I’ll call you if I need you.”

I take full responsibility for my shortcomings, but I’m telling you I wanted badly to become a strong leader, and I eventually did. The first company missed out on getting all that value from me, but they didn’t have to. ?

Now that I have the benefit of the rearview mirror, I think people were puzzled because they knew I had a long history of high performance. The thing is I was puzzled too. At the time I couldn’t see how I was hurting myself, the team and the business. I wish I had had the courage to ask for help, to seek out a mentor, to request support. I didn’t see others asking for help and was embarrassed. I cried after work a lot.

Losing the job prompted me to seek coaching. I learned decision-making, prioritizing and team-focused communication, and that courage is not the absence of fear but acting despite it. I learned to quiet my self-doubt so I can stay present and focus on what others want and need from me. Most leadership skills can be taught.

No one could teach me to care. But they didn’t need to. It was factory-installed.

Are we mis-categorizing wholehearted leaders who simply need support to fully emerge?

Had someone realized what was happening and thrown me a lifeline I would have gladly taken it. When they held up a mirror with upright compassion I would have likely bristled, and then recognized the truth in their observations. That’s what I needed and eventually got.

If you have a manager under you who is underperforming and you can’t figure out why, help them reflect on where they might be contributing to the problem. Someone with leadership potential will appreciate your guidance. Give them a chance and you may not only save yourself the grief of replacing them but uncover an exceptionally supportive leader.

If you have a manager over you who’s not giving you what you need (and hasn’t already proven to be disinterested or punitive), set up some time to discuss it. They may be hungry for details. I was. ?

If you see yourself here, shore up your courage and ask for help. Don’t wait as long as I did.

The world needs the wholehearted to step up.?