True Colors

"Your results are unacceptable!" Mr. Dixon, the company's general manager, yells at Cora. This is not the first time he has publicly criticized her. Actually, he began acting this way after learning during the new hires' welcoming party that she was very sensitive to feeling ridiculed. Cora’s colleagues tell her not to take it personally as Mr. Dixon is infamous for outsourcing everything to anybody he can and then complaining loudly if things don't go his way. "Hmmm, you're right, maybe he's not picking on me," Cora adds. Mr. Dixon is not just dominant, direct, and powerful, but he's also notorious for allowing his belligerent personality to run wild. Still, there's one thing Cora can't reconcile with the "unconscious alpha-male" hypothesis. He appears to apply pressure in similar targeted ways whenever he requires anything from others.

Cora calls her best friend Ingrid on her way home to tell her about her day. She's a lovely lady, sensitive, cheerful, and empathic, exactly what Cora needs now. But, not long into the talk, Ingrid interrupts and begins delivering a lengthy personal anecdote. Minutes pass, and the story gradually begins to resemble a lie rather than something that actually happened. "It's evident she wants my attention and for me to find her interesting," Cora thinks to herself. "Could it be that Ingrid enjoys lying? This isn't the first time this has happened. Actually, I can't remember the last time she listened to me without shifting the spotlight on her with stories that seem exceedingly unlikely to have ever been genuine," she ponders.

"Honey, I'm home," Cora exclaims as she walks through her front door. Stan rushes down the stairs to hug his wife. Just seeing him makes her feel entirely different. Stan's dependability, patience, and support have made him Cora's primary counsel over the years. After carefully listening to her work experience, he sighs, "Well, my love, there's just one thing to do, nothing." His statement is not surprising given his reputation for avoiding conflict at all costs. What he doesn't convey, maybe because he isn't aware of it, is the real intention behind his advice. Stan prioritizes stability above all else, and the fact that Cora is the family's main provider makes him fearful that a disagreement with her boss may spell trouble for them.

The good news is that Cora will have the full weekend to relax and figure out how to tackle her sticky situation. The next morning, she meets her parents for breakfast. "Hello, mom and dad, tell me all about your lives," Cora says as soon as she sits down at the table. This is music to their ears, and they instantly begin describing every detail since the last time they saw their beloved daughter. Cora's precise questions, systematic feedback, and deep stare only serve to underline her seeming interest in them. In reality, all she wants is to avoid discussing her unpleasant job situation with her parents. But they simply cannot tell what she’s thinking since she has always been analytical, cautious, and rational.

Can you spot the manipulator in the previous story? Or do you get the impression that someone is trying to influence rather than manipulate? The border between these actions is razor-thin. According to Harvard Business Review , influence is a neutral term that indicates a person's ability to have an effect on someone else. It’s neither bad nor good on its own. There is a degree of freedom involved here; it lacks compulsion and is not intended to force or obligate the other party to go along. When we are influenced, we opt to follow the lead of others out of respect, admiration, or the rationale and evidence they present. Manipulation, on the other hand, has a negative meaning that includes unscrupulous acts intended to exploit and dominate others as well as effectively control a situation to serve an individual's own purposes. It’s the use of power for a bad cause, to obtain a personal advantage at the expense of another. Typically, people are unaware they are being manipulated since the manipulator's objective is concealed.

Manipulation is more likely in strongly formed relationships, according to WebMD . This is due to the fact that people who manipulate us understand our weaknesses and how to exploit them, use our insecurities against us, and persuade us to give up something important to us in order to make us more dependent on them. They also take us out of our comfort zone and familiar surroundings in order to gain an advantage over us, and will actively lie to us, make excuses for us, and blame us whenever they know it will work.

In Surrounded by Psychopaths , Thomas Erikson lists more than a dozen manipulation strategies, four of which I believe we frequently experience in our personal and professional lives. First, arbitrary positive reinforcement. It entails us receiving high reinforcement and praise - and then suddenly not having it for no apparent reason. This makes us reliant on an untrustworthy source of approval to feel good about ourselves. Second, negative reinforcement. It appears when the manipulator quits doing something we dislike only when we begin doing something they want. The effect is quite powerful: we will do whatever the manipulator wants in the future. Third, turning our feelings against us. The strategy involves applying pressure to sensitive areas of our personalities that we may not be very proud of. Bringing up uncomfortable emotions causes us to lose attention to the true issue. And fourth, gaslighting. The word alludes to the approach of utterly altering our sense of reality and calling our sanity into doubt. A manipulator may lie to us, blame us for things we didn’t do, and make us believe that our feelings and emotions are not real or valid (e.g., "you're crazy," "you're too sensitive," "you're confused.")

Now that we know what a manipulator looks like, the challenge is how to remain grounded in the face of one. Preston Ni, the author of How to Communicate Effectively and Deal with Difficult People , discusses several tactics for dealing with manipulative individuals. First, make use of time. Aside from ridiculous requests, the manipulator will frequently want an immediate response from us in order to maximize their pressure and power over us. Instead of immediately reacting to the manipulator's request, we should consider using time to our advantage and separating ourselves from his or her immediate influence. Second, draw attention to them by asking probing questions. Manipulators will inevitably make requests or demands of us, and we will often go out of our way to accommodate their wants. We should set up a mirror by asking them questions such as, "Does this seem sensible to you?" so the manipulator may see the true nature of his or her hoax. Finally, confront bullies. They target those they believe to be weaker, but they are cowards on the inside. When their victims begin to demonstrate courage and speak up for their rights, bullies frequently back down. There’s always the possibility that the manipulator will carry out his or her threats, but what do we prefer? To take that risk or to have the certainty that nothing will change if we don't stand up for ourselves?

Let's return to Cora's story. Mr. Dixon, Ingrid, and Stan are all manipulators, as they are attempting to influence her for their own gain. But wait, Cora is a manipulator too. The distinction is in how their personalities cause them to behave differently. To clarify this, consider the DISC emotional and behavioral theory , which was created in 1928. Individuals are classified using four separate colors based on their prevalent behavioral tendencies. People with "Dominant" personalities (red), such as Mr. Dixon, are self-assured and focused on achieving results. Those who are "Influential" (yellow), like Ingrid, are extroverted and value relationships. Individuals with "Stability" personalities (green), such as Stan, are reliable, persevering, and supportive. Finally, people with "Compliant" personalities (blue), such as Cora, prioritize caution, correctness, and logic.

Identifying manipulators from people who want to positively influence us, understanding how their approaches change depending on their personality type and having a few defense strategies on hand can go a long way toward helping us live a more enjoyable and meaningful life. As I previously stated, identifying them is not always easy. However, when in doubt about whether someone is acting in your best interest or simply trying to exploit you for their own gain, remember the words of Indian author Ritu Ghatourey: "You see a person's true colors when you are no longer beneficial to their lives."

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. October 8, 2022.?